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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you husband wants me to stay ill

119 replies

paradisehair · 26/12/2017 19:58

Have a long history with am eating disorder.

Was anorexic when I met him. He never tried to persuade me to eat.

Over the years my eating is just dreadful, I either binge or starve, he's never challenged me on it. Aibu

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 26/12/2017 20:02

Maybe he wouldn't know where to start?

Branleuse · 26/12/2017 20:03

I dont think its his job to fix your eating. Does he try and stop you eating when you want to get better, or discourage you from recovering, or does he just not comment on your eating either way

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:04

I guess I can see that but he has a background in health, not mental health though I suppose.

OP posts:
StillGotTheTreeUp · 26/12/2017 20:04

Have you asked him for help?

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:05

He doesn't comment now. He used to.

OP posts:
Mrsmadevans · 26/12/2017 20:05

I think he just loves you for what you are and doesn't want to make you worse by putting pressure on you .

buttfacedmiscreant · 26/12/2017 20:05

agree with PP that even if the husband is a health professional it is not his responsibility.

topcat2014 · 26/12/2017 20:07

I would be worried about saying the wrong things and making things worse

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 20:07

Would you have stayed with him this long if he had treated you as his project to fix?

Cynara · 26/12/2017 20:09

I think you're being very unfair. It's not his job to challenge you, he's your husband, not your therapist. Can you imagine the responses you'd get if you'd said "I have a long history of anorexia. When I go through a period of not eating my DH monitors me and challenges me every day. He doesn't understand my illness and just nags me to eat"? It's not his responsibility to challenge your ideation. It's your responsibility to seek professional help, and his to support you when and if you do.

Bambamber · 26/12/2017 20:10

Would him trying to persuade you to eat cured you of your eating difficulties?

lizabes · 26/12/2017 20:10

He’s probably worried that since he’s not qualified to help he may do more harm than good if he tries to interfere.
I agree that it’s not his job anyway

Greenshoots1 · 26/12/2017 20:11

why do you want him to try and persuade you to eat?

I don't think there is any reason to think he wants you to stay ill, just that he has decided it is best not to pay attention to your eating habits.

It does sound like you WANT him to be paying close attention to your eating habits though. That doesn't sound helpful or healthy - it sounds to me that his way is much more constructive.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:11

I feel like he tries to keep, r in my place

OP posts:
Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 20:11

To be honest I’m not sure if it’s a good idea for him to comment.

He risks doing more harm than good.

StillGotTheTreeUp · 26/12/2017 20:11

Do you get any other help?

My ex used to just ignore it completely. Even fulled it. It was ignorance on his part tbh.

Sirzy · 26/12/2017 20:12

And then if he said something he would be at risk of pressuring and not understanding.

Ultimately only one person can tackle to issue. He should support you of course but he can’t force a change and I think you probably know that really.

ButchyRestingFace · 26/12/2017 20:12

This sounds like a potential lose/lose situation for him.

If he did challenge you, would you be on here complaining about him trying to control you/not understanding that anorexia is a mental illness/trying to nag you into eating?

It almost sounds as if you blame him.

BattleCunt · 26/12/2017 20:17

What's the real situation here? You have an eating disorder, but you're saying your husband isn't supportive enough, and then you mention you think he wants you to stay that way. If there were other controlling behaviours in the equation then maybe you'd be justified saying that, but you haven't said as much. What's the bigger picture?

Allthewaves · 26/12/2017 20:19

What do you want him to do. He comments - u see him as controlling. He says nothing - u think he doesn't care. It's a no win

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:19

I don't know.

Just feel like he might try to help.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 26/12/2017 20:21

He is actually helping by allowing you to be in control of your own choices. You need to get well for yourself not him.

StillGotTheTreeUp · 26/12/2017 20:21

How would you like him to help?

Preparing food
Talking to you
Arranging other help

What can he do to help?

ButchyRestingFace · 26/12/2017 20:24

Just feel like he might try to help.

How could he help?

I wouldn’t have a clue how to “help” a person with an eating disorder and would be wary of doing/saying anything for fear of sticking my size 10s in it and making the situation worse.

If you want his help, I think you would need to be proactive in giving him ways to do that.

InsomniacAnonymous · 26/12/2017 20:31

Just feel like he might try to help.

What could he do that you would deem helpful?

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