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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you husband wants me to stay ill

119 replies

paradisehair · 26/12/2017 19:58

Have a long history with am eating disorder.

Was anorexic when I met him. He never tried to persuade me to eat.

Over the years my eating is just dreadful, I either binge or starve, he's never challenged me on it. Aibu

OP posts:
InspMorse · 26/12/2017 21:29

You are craving his attention OP.
You want him to say something but he's not engaging with or commenting on your anorexia.
He may be protecting himself by doing this. It's very hard to do/say the right thing so maybe he chooses to say nothing.

Please get help outside of the home.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2017 21:29

lewwat did you miss this from the op?

I'm not feeling well and I'm struggling to reply, I'm sorry.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:30

Don't read then lewwat. I've explained I don't feel well.

I don't crave his attention at all I don't want to be challenged on if. But a friend said she thought it was odd.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2017 21:32

Did your friend say what she thought he could do to help?

Has she been able to help you?

Dustbunny1900 · 26/12/2017 21:32

I know what you mean op. I know I can't get my dh to stop smoking or deal w his mother's death, he needs to on his own. But I try and be as supportive as I can and suggest different approaches and encourage him in the right direction, or express my concern.

InsomniacAnonymous · 26/12/2017 21:33

I get the feeling that your husband would be in the wrong, from your point of view, whatever he did. He can't win.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/12/2017 21:34

I'm not attention seeking or manipulative, that's not me at all.

Then you're the first anorexic that isn't. Truly, you need to seek help outside the family, the responsibility for recovery or you eating is a huge burden to put on a loved one and not conducive to a healthy relationship.

InspMorse · 26/12/2017 21:35

You say he doesn't challenge or comment but he used to.

You say you don't want him to comment/challenge you OP?
What would you like him to do?

AppleAndBlackberry · 26/12/2017 21:36

He knew your had an eating disorder and he encouraged you not to eat? That's not right.

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/12/2017 21:36

N.B. I do know how hard it is, and was in denial for years as to the effects of the illness on my family. It's only in hindsight that I can see how my actions affected others.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:37

No. Now people are being a bit unfair, I don't mind being told I, being unreasonable but attention seeking manipulative, in the wrong whatever no, that's unfair. Things are just difficult. He winds me up and uses my weight and obviously knows it's a sensitive issue. That's what my friend meant.

OP posts:
Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:38

Hedgehog believe me it doesn't affect my family

OP posts:
Clankboing · 26/12/2017 21:40

Try to ring Beat please. They will help you. It is exceptionally difficult for people like you to eat at Christmas. It is actually essential to support family members with an eating disorder. In an ideal world he would tell you to eat now. In the absence of this happening I will tell you that you should now eat. I suggest you have at least a banana and a glass of milk. It will make you feel so much better. I would also advise ringing your GP in the morning as you are exhausted.

Mumof56 · 26/12/2017 21:40

He doesn't comment now. He used to

He winds me up and uses my weight and obviously knows it's a sensitive issue

Confused
InspMorse · 26/12/2017 21:41

He winds me up and uses my weight and obviously knows it's a sensitive issue.

So he does comment.

Clankboing · 26/12/2017 21:42

Hedgehog my dd is anorexic and not attention seeking. In fact she hides from attention. Manipulative maybe but that is through terror of food.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:42

I think maybe not mentioning it again is best.

Mumof56 since you don't believe me. Let me clarify.

He doesn't comment when I don't eat or when in the past I used laxatives or made myself sick, he does comment if I gain weight,

I hope this helps

I'm sorry for not being cleared I really don't feel well.

I think on balance best not to mention.

OP posts:
Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:43

Clank

Thank you

I am, much the same.

OP posts:
QueenAravisOfArchenland · 26/12/2017 21:44

Honestly your responses don't make a lot of sense. And yes, people with anorexia are, in my experience, manipulative and dishonest. It's in the nature of their illness, and engaging with their eating habits in any way is a toxic, no-win game.

He is being extremely helpful by refusing to get sucked into an unhealthy dynamic whereby he is trying to stop you self harming and you do it anyway.
^this. Not commenting or engaging is pretty much the only option open to him as a loved one of someone with an active eating disorder, and it's a bit worrying that you seem to want him to nag you to eat.

If composing a more extensive reply is a struggle take your time and do it slowly, but honestly the answers you're giving thus far aren't really helping you or anyone.

InspMorse · 26/12/2017 21:45

AIBU isn't the best place OP.
Hope you get the help you need.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:47

I think not mentioning it is for the best

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 26/12/2017 21:48

Mumof56 since you don't believe me

I quoted back your own word which were two conflicting statements. Don't try and put words in my mouth about how "I don't believe you"

Clankboing · 26/12/2017 21:49

Sometimes a person who is mentally ill with anorexia needs a family member to simply say / instruct (not beg you) to eat. It takes the guilt away from them.

becotide · 26/12/2017 21:50

Go to the doctor.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:52

Mum the confused face inferred disbelief.

Anyway thanks for your answers. I don't think going to the doctor is a Good idea!

OP posts:
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