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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you husband wants me to stay ill

119 replies

paradisehair · 26/12/2017 19:58

Have a long history with am eating disorder.

Was anorexic when I met him. He never tried to persuade me to eat.

Over the years my eating is just dreadful, I either binge or starve, he's never challenged me on it. Aibu

OP posts:
BattleCunt · 26/12/2017 21:00

@paradisehair what's the bigger picture here because you're just drip feeding right now.

Branleuse · 26/12/2017 21:00

I always preferred it when my partners didnt comment on my eating disorder.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/12/2017 21:02

I agree that it's a terrible risk anyone "trying to help". You need to get better for yourself. It's not fair to put your recovery onto anyone else, how could it be? What if you got healthier relying on someone and then you split up or something happened to him and you hadn't got better for you but for them?

If the relationship makes you unhappy then you don't need anyone's permission to end it and leave. Blaming him for your illness isn't fair. You had it when you got together and you don't seem sure what would have helped in the years since.

When a woman posts on MN saying her DP/DH tried to make her eat or stopped her eating she's always told it's her body and no one has a right to bully or control her. It's your own body and it's your illness and there are places you can seek help.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:06

I was ill when I met him. I don't blame, him. I'm very tired.

OP posts:
FrostyThirties0 · 26/12/2017 21:07

You do sound hard work tbh.

Raisinbrain · 26/12/2017 21:10

OP you've said you feel like he tries to keep you in your place, has encouraged you not to eat in the past and doesn't treat you well.

Why do you say he doesn't treat you well?

It sounds like you might be better of without him?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2017 21:14

So do you @FrostyThirties0

OP if you just want to muse, that's fine but very brief answers don't really help people advise you.

If he's an arsehole, leave him. If he's a good bloke that you love who just doesn't know what to do, stay.

FrostyThirties0 · 26/12/2017 21:15

What have I done?

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/12/2017 21:15

If you feel he uses it to keep you down then you stand a better chance of being right than us.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:16

I'm not feeling well and I'm struggling to reply, I'm sorry.

OP posts:
Devilishpyjamas · 26/12/2017 21:16

You are the only person who has responsibility for your eating disorder. No-one can make you better - it has to come from you, although I do hope you are getting professional support. But they also won’t see it as their job to fix you although they may want to support you in getting better.

If your dh is horrible in other ways that’s a different issue. His behaviour may worsen your ED but that still doesn’t make him responsible for your ED. His behaviour may make him responsible for raising your stress/anxiety levels, but it doesn’t make him responsible for how you cope with those.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:17

No, I don't think he's responsible for its. Never thought that. But sometimes he does not help.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2017 21:18

In what way does he not help?

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 26/12/2017 21:18

In what way doesn’t he help? It’s so hard to help someone who won’t help themselves.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2017 21:19

Op it sounds like you need to see your gp.

When you say you’re not feeling well, have you been restricting your eating? Christmas is a tough time.

Ginkypig · 26/12/2017 21:21

People would like to help you to talk things over but it's quite hard with two word answers for anyone to form an answer that would be of any use for you.

So far my feeling is that him not helping you is just one part of a bigger situation that you might be if it from chatting.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:21

I've been finding Christmas and food very difficult but it's something medication I'm on. I feel woozy and weird.

OP posts:
InspMorse · 26/12/2017 21:22

Just feel like he might try to help.

He can't help.

If he encourages you to eat - You might see it as him pressurising you.
He avoids talking about it - he's not helping.

He's between a rock and a hard place. It's difficult for him to do the right thing.

I hope you get help outside of the home OP.

Mumof56 · 26/12/2017 21:22

Why is what you eat his responsibility?

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2017 21:23

Is it a new medication or different dosage?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/12/2017 21:23

As a recovered anorexic, I know it's really hard to live with someone with an ED - they lie, they are attention-seeking, they are incredibly manipulative. It's all part of the illness, but I don't blame your OH for not wanting to engage. He'd be more like your carer than your lover.

Please seek help elsewhere, it really is toxic to a relationship otherwise.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/12/2017 21:24

I think you need to go back to your GP if the meds are making you feel bad. Can you head back to bed or do you have children who need looking after?

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:24

I'm not attention seeking or manipulative, that's not me at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:25

I have to be somewhere in an hour Sad

OP posts:
Lewwat · 26/12/2017 21:27

This thread is like getting blood from a stone

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