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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think you husband wants me to stay ill

119 replies

paradisehair · 26/12/2017 19:58

Have a long history with am eating disorder.

Was anorexic when I met him. He never tried to persuade me to eat.

Over the years my eating is just dreadful, I either binge or starve, he's never challenged me on it. Aibu

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2017 21:55

I don't think going to the doctor is a Good idea!

Why not? That sounds like the anorexia talking to me.

InspMorse · 26/12/2017 21:55

I don't think going to the doctor is a Good idea!

If you had a broken arm you'd get help. Same goes for mental health.

Original poster

paradisehair · 26/12/2017 21:57

But manipulative and attention seeking? No.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2017 21:57

If he's negatively commenting when you gain weight, he's a problem.

MistressDeeCee · 26/12/2017 22:02

I'm sorry you're feeling ill but you sound incredibly hard work. I'd not want to be with someone who just expected me, with my unqualified self, to somehow sort out an eating disorder and all that goes with it.

I wouldn't really know where to start and I'd be annoyed at it somehow being my task to either deal with it or source information on it, then it takes over my life as a "role" meantime said person is sitting there not seeking professional help, yet expecting me to sort life out.

Be proactive - get professional help and then sort out what you want to do about your husband and marriage. It'll be hard, but you're not entitled to have it all sorted for you by someone untrained in dealing with this, just because he's your partner and you've got "he should do it" in your mind.

Eatalot · 26/12/2017 22:04

How did he encourage you not to eat? Did he actually encourage your anorexia or did your ana brain here encouragement when he said you looked good as an attempt to reassure or help you. There is a massive difference.

I think by posting here you are showing you want him to help you. Maybe you are finally ready to tackle this disease. It has to be you though regardless of your husbands intentions.

Maryann1975 · 26/12/2017 22:06

Please see the doctor about this. A very close friend is receiving treatment for anorexia and it’s been a very long battle that is far from over even after a nearly year long inpatient round of treatment. As friends (there’s a group of us and we are very close) we have been terrified to comment about eating habits/food intake/weight/anything else associated with the illness as it has led to lies and us being pushed away.

If you know you are Ill or even suspect you are, please find the strength to seek help from somewhere. Hopefully once treatment is started and underway you will be able to decide if your Marriage is worth saving or if your husband hasn’t mentioned it because he is scared of the reaction he would get.

PurpleDaisies · 26/12/2017 22:09

I'm sorry you're feeling ill but you sound incredibly hard work.

She’s got anorexia. It’s a bloody awful mental illness and Christmas is just about the worst time of year for eating disorders.

op, I’d get this thread moved out of AIBU.

blueshoes · 26/12/2017 22:11

I am afraid that I would agree with MistressCeeCee's tough words.

You need to get professional help and you need to own your illness before you can get better.

Bluetrews25 · 26/12/2017 22:19

I used to work on an eating disorder unit.
Have seen similar many times.
Patients get together with a partner when they are ill. Partner has never known them as being well, and like who they are when they are ill, (that's why they got together in the first place) and may also see themselves in the rescuer role. They want to remain being viewed as the rescuer, therefore the patient needs to remain ill. And/or, patients can change a lot when they recover, so they don't need the rescuer any more, so the partner can be invested in the relationship not changing so the partner can (oddly to outsiders) want the disease to continue so they continue to be needed.
The partnered up ED patients I knew didn't get better until the relationship ended. Either that or they broke up as soon as they recovered.
OP, I hope you can get yourself some help, this is a very hard time of year for all those with EDs as food is everywhere at the moment.
If he wanted to help, he would be sitting with you telling you to eat, chatting with you while you do, and staying with you for 1 hour after to ensure you do not vomit or exercise. This is what would happen on an in-patient unit.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/12/2017 22:24

That’s someone’s job on an inpatient unit though Blue - it’s completely different to expect a partner to do it.

Op you said your medication was making you feel strange - you need to see the GP about that. Are you getting any outside help with your ED?

Fishfingersandwichnocheese · 26/12/2017 22:24

But surely that’s the role of a nurse or carer ?

If OPs partner were to do that - would it not be an issue should they split up ?

Ginkypig · 26/12/2017 22:25

Paradise I'm sorry your not feeling well I hope things feel more bearable soon.

In terms of your husband reading between the lines because Iv not got much information to go on it could be he isn't just not helping, he sounds like either he is adding to the emotional aspect by pointing out your weight gain (possibly in a negative way?) which sends you back into crisis or because your ill his comments sound like slurs but are actually him acknowledging that your looking better.

Either way there are people around when you feel well enough to chat ok

ReanimatedSGB · 26/12/2017 22:42

Your partner may not be good for you (as a PP said, sometimes people with a mental illness such as an eating disorder are attractive to controlling/abusive partners) - but strangers online can't tell if that's the case or not.
However, even a well-intentioned partner is not qualified/capable when it comes to helping you get better. You need a) properly trained professionals who specialise in ED and you need to engage with treatment and want to get well.

Weebo · 26/12/2017 22:45

You don't sound like hard work to me - You sound ill.

Who the fuck tells someone with an eating disorder that they look better when their boobs are bigger than their stomach? It's just so stupidly dangerous.

OP I have no personal experience with ED but I have heard how hard the holidays can be.You sound worryingly vacant.

Is everything good with your medication? Your not skipping it and then taking double at once to make up for it or anything?

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 26/12/2017 23:41

I don't think going to the doctor is a good idea!

See? Trying to manipulate the thread to say what you want it to say by threatening to remain unwell. Classic anorexic behaviour.

As another poster has said, your partner doesn't sound helpful to your recovery - if this is the case you should bin him. Perhaps he sees himself as the hero for staying with you and can't cope with a healthy DP. A counsellor will help you work through this, please get in touch with medical services who can help - professionals with experience of EDs will be able to help you work through your issues.

idontlikealdi · 26/12/2017 23:42

Are you restricting for attention from him?

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 28/12/2017 11:23

If he is never commenting about you not eating BUT is commeng8ng about you putting on weight, then two possible positions
-either he actually does want to sabotage your efforts

or he is clueless about anorexia and his comments (that he probably see as helpful. You’ve put weight in. That’s great! Well done) are having the opposite effect.

If the medication you are in is making you feel woozy and unwell, you do need to go back to se the GP.

rudolphslittlehelper · 28/12/2017 12:01

I have lived with someone who was anorexic and someone else who was bulimic.

You really cant do anything. You start by trying to help them with eating but really the food is only a tiny part of it and there needs to be professional support to address the underlying cause.

I didnt' marry one of them because in the end I just couldn't have lived the rest of my life being unable to do anything. It takes over your life trying to get someone to eat sensibly, so I suppose the option is that or just ignore it.

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