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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you husband wants me to stay ill

119 replies

paradisehair · 26/12/2017 19:58

Have a long history with am eating disorder.

Was anorexic when I met him. He never tried to persuade me to eat.

Over the years my eating is just dreadful, I either binge or starve, he's never challenged me on it. Aibu

OP posts:
Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:31

Just weird he's never really mentioned it.

OP posts:
jay55 · 26/12/2017 20:33

Maybe he's trying to not make an issue out of it.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 20:33

He cant help. Even if he was a professional who specialised in eating disorders he would not be able to help his own partner as he wouldnt have the required detachment.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:35

I suppose, I just wicked have thought he might have tried, but you're right

OP posts:
Rainbunny · 26/12/2017 20:35

He can't be responsible for you to get better with this issue, you have to be the one to help yourself I'm afraid. I'm sure he doesn't know what to do anyway for fear of making things worse. Have you actually directly asked him for help? I have a feeling you haven't. You know you need help, you going to have to speak up. There's a good possibility that you will discover your DH might be very stressed about the situation and has been walking on eggshells around you.

Aducknotallama · 26/12/2017 20:36

You are an adult, it is your responsibility to help yourself. TBH it sounds like you want to blame him rather than face your own issues

Liara · 26/12/2017 20:36

He is being extremely helpful by refusing to get sucked into an unhealthy dynamic whereby he is trying to stop you self harming and you do it anyway.

No one can fix you, you can only fix yourself.

Rainbunny · 26/12/2017 20:37

Sorry if I sounded harsh btw OP, it's just that I have been the person walking on eggshells not knowing the right way to deal with the elephant in the room.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:38

We've been together a long time. I don't know. Very mixed up around three moment.

OP posts:
InsomniacAnonymous · 26/12/2017 20:39

OP, will you please explain what you think he should be doing to help you.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 20:41

If you cant even articulate exactly how you think he should be helping you then how on earth could HE know to do it?

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:42

I don't know.

OP posts:
TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 26/12/2017 20:45

As your husband, it’s not his job to fix you. That’s up to you. If you want his support and have asked for it and explained to him how he can help, and he’s rejecting that, or actively sabotaging your attempts to help yourself, that’s a different matter.

You say he used to comment - what did he used to say and how did you respond?

MrsTerryPratchett · 26/12/2017 20:46

Have you sought help?

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 26/12/2017 20:47

Is the fact he could be more helpful or supportive only somwth8ngnto do with your eating or is it a more general feeling?
If/when you plan to do xxx to help with your anorexia, is he then supportive of you doing those things? Or is he dismissive or lacking any interest?

Fwiw him working in the health care sector doesn’t mean he will have the answer or will know how to support you best.
He might also finding himself tired of supporting patients at work and doesn’t want to endorse the HCP hat on when he is at home.
And finally, it is very well known that HCP are notoriously bad at helping/diagnosing their partners/family member which is why they aren’t supposed to treat a spouse or a child for example. Because it would be very hard for them to get the diagnosis right (unable to step back enough to see the full picture) so he might well be very aware about that too....

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:47

Used to encourage me not to eat, once said I lookrd better when Breasts were bigger than belly.

OP posts:
Raisinbrain · 26/12/2017 20:48

Does he treat you well otherwise?

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:50

Not really Smile

OP posts:
LovingLola · 26/12/2017 20:52

Maybe you should separate. Might be better for both of you.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 26/12/2017 20:52

Well if he doesn’t treat you well otherwise, then you have your answer.
He is not a nice man.

And a not very nice man is more likely to sabotage your efforts than support you.

AlbaSelkie · 26/12/2017 20:54

I'm not sure defending him is appropriate but you say he used to comment but doesn't now. So maybe he feels that his comments achieved nothing (but maybe caused tension?)

FrostyThirties0 · 26/12/2017 20:54

Most people look better when their breasts are bigger than their belly Confused

InsomniacAnonymous · 26/12/2017 20:55

Do you talk to him about your eating disorder?
If it was him with the eating disorder and not you, what would you do?

MrsJayy · 26/12/2017 20:56

My mother has disordered eating we are fed up of trying to support or help her my step dad gets his head chewed off if he asks if she enjoyed her dinner or says she ate well on holiday which she does, it is very difficult to live with and love somebody with an eating disorder loved ones often say the wrong thing, your partner knows you are ill.

Original poster
paradisehair · 26/12/2017 20:56

I don't know

OP posts:
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