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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'The Rules' and dating AIBU (gratuitously sweary thread - sorry!!)

121 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 19:50

I have two close family members (one is married and the other isn't, but is seeing someone) who absolutely swear by 'The Rules' when it comes to dating and relationships.

I've never read The Rules, and sort of think (from what I've heard about them) that they're outdated, sexist bullshit. Feels rude to think that though Blush.

AIBU to please ask how you feel about them? Is it worth sticking to The Rules, or are they shite?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
toolonglurking · 26/12/2017 20:17

They are a dated pile of shite.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 20:28

Thanks toolonglurking. I agree as well.

I've now read about them, and I think that in some ways they are reasonable and make sense, because they apparently encourage women to be more rational and realistic about their potential relationships, but I think what annoys me is why this only applies to women!! Where's the equivalent for men??

OP posts:
Margaritaanyone89 · 26/12/2017 20:47

I haven't read the rules, but there is no 'rules' for any social situation.

However, there is advice.

One of my friends finds it difficult to meet men as she works so much and doesn't believe in online dating which means that on the rare occasion she gets to interact with a single male and exchange phone numbers she's OTT.

She doesn't "play it cool", which comes across clingy & desperate which makes the man feel like she's just desperate for any man, not him.

I firmly believe in this advice: men like the chase. If you haven't even got to know the person and you're all over them, telling them that they're the best thing since sliced bread, give up the goods to quickly and are at their beck and call before you even know them. They're going to see this, and think "why put in any effort when I already get everything".

Everybody wants to feel special. My advice is make sure you get to know them first & they get to know you before you're OTT all over them and then they'll know that you're not just desperate for 'a man' but in fact, you just really like that man. haha.

TunaSushi · 26/12/2017 20:49

I don't know the "Rules" I believe in being yourself.

Madonnasmum · 26/12/2017 20:51

Works for me!
I think I came across pretty desperate before. They helped me stand back and be more rational.

Dancer123456 · 26/12/2017 20:59

I really like The Rules.

I used to be very needy and clingy when first in a relationship and the rules helped me to be a bit more relaxed and not agonising over every text or phone call.

If taken as advice I think it can be useful for some people, those who tend to over analyse situations and get too emotionally involved too quickly.

AuntieStella · 26/12/2017 20:59

'the Rules' has being yourself at it's very core. It is all about being true to yourself, making sure your life is interesting, not dropping your interests/friends because you start dating, having a well-honed twat-ometer and not putting up with men who don't treat you with respect and/or who don't show you they are clearly interested.

Like the OP, when you actually read them, you may well find they are very sensible and encourage both self-respect and self-esteem.

But no, I don't know where there is a parallel book aimed at men which promotes similar good standards.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 21:02

My particular situation is that I've had a first date with this guy. He seems really nice, was very funny and we had a lot to talk about.

We were meant to have a second date arranged for a couple of weeks ago. That day, I'd had an absolutely shite day and felt awful. I texted him that day, said I was really really sorry and asked if we could please rearrange it. He was really nice about it. I'm aware that this is really flakey behaviour from me Blush and felt really awful. I really did apologise. I'm not normally like this, I promise(!)

Anyway, since then, it's been going well. We've got plans to meet later this week (not sure what we're doing though - we haven't planned anything specific yet). We've only had on 'double-text' situation so far - I replied to one of his texts on 24th, then sent him a text yesterday to wish him merry Christmas. He hasn't texted back so far. So should I just wait it out?

OP posts:
cheshiremama89 · 26/12/2017 21:13

I read it and yes it's out of date but I liked the premise!
Worked for me Wink

Madonnasmum · 26/12/2017 21:44

Wait it out! DO NOT SEND ANOTHER.

OliviaBonas · 26/12/2017 21:46

I don't know what these rules are but I made up my own rules ( to be as conducive to preserving my self- esteem, resilience and emotional well-being as possible.)

Crunchymum · 26/12/2017 21:48

Funny how the authors of the book are both divorced???

blueshoes · 26/12/2017 21:55

The Rules are an efficient way of weeding out the time wasters, if your aim is a committed relationship. It avoids getting into the sort of relationship where the woman is always doing the running.

Downsides is that it might screen out the faint hearted too soon. It is also necessary to be able to spot red flags where the man is too invested in the chase (i.e. a player).

The Rules probably need to be updated for online dating or maybe it has. It has been a long time since I married used the Rules.

chestylarue52 · 26/12/2017 22:15

Give up the goods? Really?

KC225 · 26/12/2017 22:24

I agree that The Rules are good for making you weed out time wasters, so is the more up to date but probably about 10 to 15 years old is 'He's Just Not That Into You'.

I have known a few girls with crap boyfriends who will never commit but keep them hanging on. Neither book would have pushed those relationships to the next level but maybe girls could have recognised the time wasters and moved on to people who could offer more.

And don't send another text. Wait for a response

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 22:32

Ooh had no idea, @crunchymum.

I think they've updated The Rules with a new book called The Rules for the Digital Generation, or something similar.

Don't worry, I haven't yet texted back Wink

If he doesn't reply by the day we planned for later this week (which is his day off), should I text him on that day (or the day before) to ask about plans...? Or should I just leave it (have a feeling you're going to suggest I go for this option!)

OP posts:
user1490465531 · 26/12/2017 22:42

if he doesn't text back he's not interested.
If a man likes you he will let you know.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 23:07

Thanks everyone, for your advice and help :)

OP posts:
AnUtterIdiot · 27/12/2017 00:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 27/12/2017 12:18

I think you're absolutely right, AnUtterIdiot. I agree. If, say, a woman stopped contacting a man that she was seeing, he would probably just think that she wasn't interested anymore.

OP posts:
ChelleDawg2020 · 27/12/2017 12:40

I always think that if you are willing to play games with others in this way, you have to be willing for them to play games with your feelings too.

AuntieStella · 27/12/2017 12:49

Nowhere does it say that you don't contact the person you are dating, nor return calls when they've left you a message. It does recommend how much and how often you call them (including leaving only one voicemail, and not bombarding with messages) and it's actually a pretty normal amount, with enough space to see if he's interested enough to make the effort.

If you see that as never calling then yes, ghosting people will cause them to turn away.

It's not, I think, intended to be a game. It's more a way of weeding out time wasters early on, and seeing the dating process (especially early dates) as an extended audition. And that's something both people should be doing.

Housewife2010 · 27/12/2017 13:31

I read The Rules 19 years ago before my first date with my now husband. It worked for me.

CotswoldStrife · 27/12/2017 13:45

I need to buy this for a friend, I think! Likes her relationships to be full-on from the very first date/drink (like saying they will be going on holiday together on returning from first date - said more than once and never happened yet).

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 27/12/2017 14:28

I've just read a version of them that someone put up online. They do make a lot of sense, to be honest, even if I don't always agree with them. Perhaps they should be worded differently though, as sometimes they sound annoyingly old-fashioned! As in, women are pretty little creatures who are meant to be seen and not heard 🙄

I like the idea of independence and strength that they support, and the idea of making women understand that it's important to have your own life, to put yourself first and to look after yourself physically and mentally (which should be important at all stages of a relationship), rather than pinning all your hopes on a man who you've just met.

I just don't like the wording and the tone - it comes across as quite bossy and a bit harsh, like where they say it's important to 'be feminine' and where they say you'll feel 'bad and dumb' if you dare to call him and then find out he's busy Hmm.

I do think I'd find them useful. The first time I met the guy I'm seeing (still very early days), I felt like I'd known him forever and actually told him that Blush he took it well though, and I just didn't really think I had anything to lose by telling him that. He made me feel very safe and comfortable, and I think I just wanted to let him know.

OP posts: