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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'The Rules' and dating AIBU (gratuitously sweary thread - sorry!!)

121 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 19:50

I have two close family members (one is married and the other isn't, but is seeing someone) who absolutely swear by 'The Rules' when it comes to dating and relationships.

I've never read The Rules, and sort of think (from what I've heard about them) that they're outdated, sexist bullshit. Feels rude to think that though Blush.

AIBU to please ask how you feel about them? Is it worth sticking to The Rules, or are they shite?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
Trills · 27/12/2017 14:40

If a man needed to feel that he was the one "doing the chasing" then he wouldn't be the man for me.

TheNaze73 · 27/12/2017 14:49

They’re so outdated. Since OLD became a thing, men have so much more options available to them, they’d just move on

KatharinaRosalie · 27/12/2017 14:51

Men do have the equivalent of Rules. Many versions but basically they are also told that if a woman is interested, she will show it. If she cancels a date and won't offer alternative plans immediately - dump her. If she's somewhat pissed off because you haven't called her for 2 weeks -dump her. And so on. I often wonder how many potential relationships have died because both parties sit on their hands not calling or playing some other stupid game.

If it works, it just works. You can be yourself without any games and pretending.

CruCru · 27/12/2017 15:04

Most of The Rules

CruCru · 27/12/2017 15:07

Most of The Rules is just common sense. Dress nicely, make sure you have your own interests. If you are in the early days, avoid whinging and moaning.

I actually like the sections of The Rules that are about work and friendships the most. The dating bits are a bit twee.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 27/12/2017 15:57

Ooh I haven't seen the bits about work and friendships CruCru. What are they like?

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 27/12/2017 18:03

When I was dating I used to read the dating advice on AskMen.com to see what men were being told to do. They definitely have some shitty rules of their own.

ShatnersWig · 27/12/2017 18:09

Margarita I'm a man. I hate "the chase"

And many other TV quiz shows.

But seriously, I hate any aspect of "chasing" or any sort of "game playing". We're adults, not teenagers in a playground.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/12/2017 18:18

Clare me too. Was scary. All this advice about how you should test her and treat her like shit, because if she's really into you, she won't mind. If you were Brad Pitt, she would come back, right!?

Skarossinkplunger · 27/12/2017 18:28

I have absolutely no respect for women who use The Rules or the men who are attract d to them.

ClareB83 · 27/12/2017 19:43

Absolutely @KatharinaRosalie it was eye opening! It was teaching men to be dickheads and I'm not convinced they need lessons.

KatharinaRosalie · 27/12/2017 19:50

I do think there were some nice, just inexperienced and insecure guys who were convinced by the 'expert advice'.

TDHManchester · 27/12/2017 20:09

My only rules are be legal,decent, honest and truthful.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 12:20

I arranged to meet up with the guy I'm seeing tomorrow. He originally asked if we could do something then, as it's his day off. I haven't heard anything from him since before Christmas (which is obviously completely fine!)

I think he's been quite busy, as he went home (to a foreign country) for Christmas, and hadn't seen his family for a while, so obviously wanted to spend time with them. He also works really hard, as he works 12-hour days in quite a demanding job in the hospitality industry.

I sent the last couple of texts (one was a reply to his last text, and the other was to wish him a merry Christmas). Should I just send him another text to ask if he still fancies meeting tomorrow?

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 12:43

Bump :)

OP posts:
ClareB83 · 28/12/2017 12:47

Nope. He knows how phones work.

livefornaps · 28/12/2017 12:51

Text a time & place for tomorrow. Not "do you still fancy meeting" - so wishy washy!! Just "x café, 1pm tomorrow?"

TheNaze73 · 28/12/2017 12:57

Did he have any need to respond to your texts? If there were no questions asked, why would he respond?

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 12:57

It's only the second time we've met up - would it sound too forward from me?

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 12:57

Actually, TheNaze, that's a good point! Thanks.

OP posts:
MyRelationshipIsWeird · 28/12/2017 13:04

Nope, just leave it to him to contact you. I'm not into playing games, but having sent the last 2 messages, it's his turn now. I don't see the point in waiting XX hours/days before replying etc, but you've already made your move.

Yes he's busy, has a family, busy job etc but if he is interested you have left an open door for him. If you text again you risk looking a bit too keen. If he doesn't make it happen, he's just not that into you.

FWIW my DP and I both said we weren't into game playing when we met. "If I like you I will text you or call you" went the line. I showed my hand, was overly keen and he had a wobble and nearly dumped me as he obviously thought I was like that with everyone. He had to do no chasing at all and obviously thought he could get anyone else he wanted just as easily.

Luckily he realised he was being a dick and salvaged things, or he'd have spent the last 5 years looking for someone else as amazing as me!!

The point being, even though we both professed to hate game playing, we also wanted to feel special - sometimes if you're overly keen on someone you just met it can come across that you're not picky. It's true, I had been equally keen on two other guys before I met DP. It's only because they didn't reciprocate that I was still free to meet him. I wasn't picky enough and was throwing myself at anyone who would have me. Luckily for me, the one who decided I was worth sticking with, was a wonderful loving man.

MyRelationshipIsWeird · 28/12/2017 13:05

Surely out of politeness, a text saying "Merry Christmas" has an accepted need for a response. even if only "You too"?!

ClareB83 · 28/12/2017 13:15

He knows you have plans to meet tomorrow. He's waiting to see if he can be bothered to meet up.

You should read 'He's just not that into you'.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:19

That's what I would have thought, MyRelationshipIsWeird. To be honest, maybe he's a bit rubbish at replying to texts. A lot of people say they are. I often am, to be honest.

I've just sent a short message asking if he'd still to do something tomorrow. And if he doesn't reply, I know where I stand. It would be a shame if he didn't reply, because he sounded quite nice, but oh well. Plenty more fish in the sea. He generally isn't a very prompt texter anyway.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 28/12/2017 13:25

But "doing something" is really vague and hardly inspires enthusiasm. Be specific. Address him as if you assume that you are meeting. Otherwise you just leave him to do all the work deciding what to do. I much prefer when people come at me with a definite plan rather than "do something" (snore). That way, you seem like someone who is fun & who knows what she wants.

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