Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

'The Rules' and dating AIBU (gratuitously sweary thread - sorry!!)

121 replies

WellAlwaysHaveParis · 26/12/2017 19:50

I have two close family members (one is married and the other isn't, but is seeing someone) who absolutely swear by 'The Rules' when it comes to dating and relationships.

I've never read The Rules, and sort of think (from what I've heard about them) that they're outdated, sexist bullshit. Feels rude to think that though Blush.

AIBU to please ask how you feel about them? Is it worth sticking to The Rules, or are they shite?

Thanks :)

OP posts:
MissMoneyPennies · 28/12/2017 13:27

It worked for me too. I can't remember too much about it except for not chasing and always ending the phone call first. We have been together for 16 years now, maybe we would have been anyway. I don't know...

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:31

We've only met once, so I don't really know him yet. I wasn't too sure what to suggest.

OP posts:
HappyAndRelaxed · 28/12/2017 13:37

Just so you're aware Op - Woman have a book called 'The rules' and men have a separate book called 'the game'. One of the lads was telling DH about it at a stag a while ago. He was demonstrating how he played different women off against one another to 'score' the one he really wanted Hmm It's no wonder he's single when he's treating women like that

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:37

I'm not someone who plays games, and I'm also texting to him in my second language, so it's a bit different than if I was writing to him in English.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:38

*texting him

OP posts:
livefornaps · 28/12/2017 13:40

Yeah - but then on the other hand you expect him to magically know better than you & do all the legwork?

Put it this way - which would you be more likely to respond to? "Can we do something?" (Oh god, now I have to think of something) OR "lunch and a pint? 1pm at pub?" (Okay sure).

livefornaps · 28/12/2017 13:42

If it's your 2nd language even more reason to just be direct.

"Ça te dit de dejeuner ensemble demain? 13h café de l'industrie? Bises"

Pam

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:44

I just don't want to scare him off by being too specific. I'm trying to play it really safe. I'm probably doing it wrong. Last time (when I cancelled last-minute because I'd had an awful day - and did apologise!), we'd planned to do crazy golf, so maybe we could do that tomorrow. I'll just wait and see what he says. If he never replies after this text that I've just sent, I'll know where I stand.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 28/12/2017 13:49

Hmmm....whatever you say. I'd've just suggested crazy golf again, with a time. You're just expecting him to remember while not making it clear that you remembered! It just seems a bit lukewwarm. I dunno. Being a bit bolshier is okay, in my opinion (as long as it is not at random). Being clear about what you want is not the same as coning across as desperate. I think sometimes being vague just seems a bit feeble and it doesn't really get anything across about you. But Good luck anyway.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:51

I'm being vague because I habe no idea when he's free tomorrow, when he's working the next day and what he'd like to do. I'm new to dating and just have no idea how it works.

OP posts:
livefornaps · 28/12/2017 13:56

So why don't you say - this is when I am free and this is what I fancy doing. Lay down some parameters! He won't know any more than you do! Then at least he has something definite to respond to. I think you are giving him all the power and he won't really appreciate it.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 13:59

Good point livefornaps. Thanks. I don't think I should send another text now as I've now sent three to him and he hasn't replied to any of them (sent first text on Sunday in reply to his, sent Merry Christmas text on Monday and now just sent him the vague text about tomorrow).

OP posts:
g1itterati · 28/12/2017 14:18

To be honest OP, the least you should expect here is that he would have texted you to say Happy Xmas Confused.

It's easy to make all sorts excuses, but if a man is interested you don't need to suggest anything at this stage. If he won't make the effort now it's because a) he's indifferent b) he's flaky / lazy. If he wont make the effort now, imagine this relationship ten years down the line. It sounds harsh, but you get what you're prepared to put up with.
Hope he calls you, but if not, you've dodged a bullet. Next!!! Don't chase him, it's a waste of time.

livefornaps · 28/12/2017 14:45

Dating is infuriating.

amy85 · 28/12/2017 15:21

Op if he was interested he would be texting you....regardless of being busy with work, being busy visiting with family he would still be texting you! I am pretty rubbish at replying to texts but when I'm interested in a guy I suddenly become very good lol

blueshoes · 28/12/2017 15:24

This over-analysing is precisely why you need the Rules. You need to find another date that is not him. This one will reappear when he does, if he does. In the meantime, you have not lost anything.

You want him to be on the other side of the phone wondering the same things about you. There will be no effort for him to text whenever he decides to text and whatever he decides to say. I agree with other posters that the fact he did not reply to you x'mas greeting is poor form and is not good indication of the level of his interest. The ball is in his court and he knows it. It is not difficult for him to respond, truly.

Please do not text him again. You could just be wasting your time when you could go out and meet another man who is more into you. When that happens, it will flow much more smoothly.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 15:38

Very good points, thanks everyone. You can say that again livefornaps Grin.

OP posts:
Dozer · 28/12/2017 16:04

If he was interested he’d have replied to your earlier texts, at the least.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 28/12/2017 16:16

OK so you've sent three texts and not had a reply. I would say that if he was crazy about you, he would have replied to each. If he had any manners he would've replied to at least one.

Step away from your phone, now!

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 16:21

Fair enough MyBrilliantDisguise - you're right! I'm a bit pissed off, to be honest! :(

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 16:25

Sorry MyBrilliantDisguise - my last post might have sounded a bit sarky! Sorry, didn't mean to! What I meant to say was that I think you're absolutely right but I'm still hoping that my phone will go ping any minute Blush I thought at least he'd reply with something nice to the Christmas text

OP posts:
Archietheinventor · 28/12/2017 16:35

I’d give him another hour or two, then assume you aren’t going to hear from him and you have tomorrow free to do something else! I am a terrible tester and never reply to anyone unless I have my phone in my hand at the moment I receive their text - however, if I fancy someone, I will reply INSTANTLY, whatever I am doing. When I met my husband, I would stare at my phone, waiting for him to text, so I could reply immediately. Unless he is on a long flight back and has no reception, he should have been in touch by now...

haveacupofteaandamincepie · 28/12/2017 16:39

I swear by The Rules. It seems ridiculous at the start but it's really for those who are a bit clueless and maybe low self esteem. No one should chase after a man or have sex with them when they aren't ready, we are worth more than that, and The Rules weeds out the men who aren't looking for a proper relationship.

Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 16:46

Should I just delete and block him, to be honest? If he's going to be a time waster, it just seems so bloody exhausting to be the one to do all the running. And, as everyone has said, it makes absolutely sense to wait for someone to come to you rather than to be the one who's doing all of the running.

I just feel so bloody deflated. He seemed so nice and we got on so well. Ffs.

OP posts:
Original poster
WellAlwaysHaveParis · 28/12/2017 16:46

*absolute sense.

OP posts: