'The Rules' and dating AIBU (gratuitously sweary thread - sorry!!)

[WellAlwaysHaveParis]

I have two close family members (one is married and the other isn't, but is seeing someone) who absolutely swear by 'The Rules' when it comes to dating and relationships.

I've never read The Rules, and sort of think (from what I've heard about them) that they're outdated, sexist bullshit. Feels rude to think that though .

AIBU to please ask how you feel about them? Is it worth sticking to The Rules, or are they shite?

Thanks :)

Also when your man finally texts back tell him sorry you made plans in the meantime. If he is actually interested he can move a bit faster but to be honest any man I've had after me always uses an excuse like Christmas to send a text and get a chat started up.

No need to block OP it sounds like you've been ghosted.
TBH I would just chalk up to experience and move on.

Give him til the end of today...didn’t you say he’d been overseas? Might not be able to text if he’s on a plane, or have no battery left. But if you haven’t heard by bedtime then give him up. Sorry 😐 I do remember what it’s like from my single days, and it’s not fun. Onwards & upwards!

Oh ffs :(

Archie he flew back to the UK on Boxing Day, as he was working the next day.

Don’t take any action whether texting or blocking. Its 99% likely he’s just not that into you (sorry) but there may be a valid reason. Either way it’s for him to explain.

Please make an alternative plan for when you should be on this date. I was once where you are now, all my twenties & early thirties wasted on trying to stay free and available and basically desperate to be with someone.

Believe you’re an asset to someone’s life. Think of all your great points. Don’t let any negativity that’s been flung at you in the past by shit men corrode your self confidence.

Be ace, and you’ll attract someone pretty ace too. At 34 it happened to me and I’ve just had my second baby with him x

Thanks TheLegendOfBeans he just seemed really nice.

Hi OP

That is a pity (about the man you've been seeing). I agree, you need to hold off now. Sending a whole bunch of texts won't make him want to see you more.

I don't remember all The Rules but the gist of the pity about work and friendships was:

• Don't go into work looking tired and disheveled from doing a load of extra hours. Your boss is more likely to be impressed by someone who can get their work don efficiently in office hours;
• Dress as though you have a date after work. Give the impression that you have a lot of interests outside the office;
• If your boss doesn't seem that keen on you, don't sit and try to make eye contact with them / bring in a load of baked goods in the hope of getting them to like you. Concentrate on your own work.
• If you have a friend / sister who never seems to make all that much effort, hold back a bit. Call them a bit less.

Argh. I just feel really angry at him now . No reply, obvs.

Oh god, this sounds so needy but he still hasn't replied! I'm just a bit pissed off with him that he hasn't replied either way either to say whether he can make it or not!!

I wonder if it's a tit-for-tat thing after me not making it a couple of weeks ago? Although I did apologise several times, and let him know a few hours in advance that I wasn't able to make it. And he seemed to take it quite well at the time.

How do you take your mind off these things?? I've never been good at taking my mind at stupid stuff like this (whether it's something like this, waiting for exam results or waiting to hear back after a job interview).

Anyone? Just want some comfort and someone telling me to give me my head a wobble (it is AIBU after all! )

Okay good idea - thanks Recalibrated :) meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow, then seeing another friend on the 30th. Then will maybe go for a run or something on NYE and sort something out for the evening. Good idea. Thanks :)

Noooo don't say that Recalibrated stay strong!!

Recalibrated promise we can get through this!

It was only one date!

Good idea with the plans - do that anyway in future, make plans, do stuff, minimise time thinking about whether someone will contact you.

It was unwise to tell him that you felt you’d “known him ages”. Probably made no difference to his interest/actions but was OTT.

The Rules and Not That Into You could be good as you seem to have been “overinvested” immediately.

Absolutely. You'll stop wondering 'why, why, why?' If you read He's just not that into you. Because the answer to why is that he just not that into you.

You didn't do something wrong, it wasn't the order of your texts, it wasn't you cancelling last time. It's that he liked you, but not that much. He's just not that into you.

It's pretty liberating and stops you wasting all this energy on a guy you've been on one date with.

I think the only bit The Rules is good for us when it says if he’s not contacting you, or making the effort, then just get on with your life. Let’s face it, if he’s not into you then the best thing to do is walk away and just get on with things.

He might have got back with an ex over xmas ? You might well hear back again but I agree that the premise that you are valuable and an asset is a good one . YOU are the asset . Not him

Keep busy and DO NOT text him

It’s hard to keep busy the week between xmas and NY I do agree !!!!

He's not that into you is a bloody brilliant book. It's short, an easy read, and funny.

It's also painful and causes me to squirm with embarrassment as I recognise myself in the examples given.

Look, I'm a middle aged hairy feminist. I'm so right on its scary. But no matter how I cut it, the truth is that The Rules basically work. Because regardless of right or wrong, there appears to be something deep within men that puts them off wanting a relationship with women who really really like them straight away.

It's been my experience over and over. The minute I started holding back, it was a revelation how much better men responded.

I will confess that this amounted to me being a bit of an uptight cow towards DP when we first met. I refused to phone him for the first six months of our relationship which was admittedly a bit over the top.

But I clearly remember saying to men that I liked 'sorry, why would I need you number? I've given you mine'.

This was all pre mobile phones I have to say. God knows what it's like now.

It’s tough... Nearly all of us have been in your shoes at some point. I’ve spent many, many a day agonising over texts/messages not received. I sympathise.

I feel like the rules would work for men that read MRA websites and PUA hints and tips - i.e. delusional assholes from the last century.

"Why put in any effort when I already get everything" - I have never ever been with or heard of a decent guy thinking this. My lovers have been thrilled to get everything and spoil me in the process - and I don't hold back following some spurious deadlines and arbitrary rules. Maybe it's different for really passionate people - we just go in there and give out the same vibes we're looking for.