I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

Dox lol

Would also say, it doesn't matter if friends aren't crafty. It doesn't take a genius to do your own hair I know, I did mine or watch a Lisa Eldridge wedding makeup video and copy it.

I've also been to a wedding that was 'bring a cake and sandwiches' after the ceremony and it had such a lovely and warm atmosphere, compared to the usual rubber chicken catering. And one where we walked round from the church to a restaurant next door and all had a curry - that was fantastic!

Congratulations! Agree that you have to accept what you can afford and stick with it. To avoid offending friends just invite immediate family and maybe a couple each that are special to you (get them to act as your witnesses) and book the local registry office and then have an informal reception in the pub. It will still be special, you will still be getting married and your close family will be involved and you won't spend money that could be wisely spent elsewhere especially with young children, Have them involved in the day - as you are already a family, walk down the isle together! Good luck and don't worry about all the extras - far less stress and more fun without!

I find it hard to believe in one day with Christmas going on, you've managed to do a large guest list, plan flowers and other stuff like that as well as ring up and cost all wedding venues in a 25 mile radius.
Tosh!!,

Have you thought about getting married on 19 May 2018?

For many reasons it could save you money

You need to cut out aunts, uncles and cousins because you can’t afford to feed them.

Thanks for the replies everyone, after talking more we've realised that we can't afford any wedding.

Before we even go to book a venue we've got a holiday to pay off, DS2 is to get Christened and then OH is going to apply for further study. If he is accepted then we will go from a two full-time income household to a one full-time and one part time income household. Which means we won't be able to save much bar a rainy day fund and enough for a summer holiday for the kids, Christmas and birthdays (all of which are non-negotiable). His course then leads to an away from home career (think armed forces, but not quite), which means good money when he's away and further progression for him but it is unsuited to long term planning.

We're looking at the registry office and taking the kids out for dinner. Possibly our parents and siblings but nothing and no one else.
Maybe one day we'll get our compromise, but not this side of 2020. Thank you everyone.

And by nothing I mean no dress of any sort, no fancy wear for the boys, no photos, no nice restaurant, no music or anything of the sort.

Civil registry wedding and then the local pub which doesn't even take reservations and home before the kids are kicked out at 8pm.

Why is it summer hols only? For the honeymoon? You could always get married on a weekend and then no one has to take time off work.

Then you can pick a March weekend when the bargains can be found.

Then have your honeymoon in the easter hols?

I honestly think that is absolutely the right option, even if you weren't already in debt. You will have a lovely day with your immediate family and you will be married at the end of it. Result.

I hope you have a lovey day.

My brother got married on a weekend in February for £4k and it was all the frills but max 40 people.

'we've got a holiday to pay off,'

If you've gone into debt for a holiday then I'd certainly postpone any wedding until you can comfortably afford

Registry office and dinner out sounds lovely though when you can afford

Haha Beware even immediate family is questionable as we simply won't have the money before this course to feed 15-20 people a meal.

It's looking more likely that it will be just us, kids and two random witnesses and then home.

Once he starts his course we will be lucky to save £200 p/m for all other life events and the kids won't miss out just for a wedding. There just won't be a wedding, period.

Congratulations.

Are there any historical sites near you available for hire? I’m near London and there’s an old barn that you can rent for the day for £2800, have everything done there, registrar is £450, and you can arrange your own caterers so aren’t limited to minimum of X per head. Look on your local councils website maybe and see if there’s anything?

What’s important when you get married is the vows you make to one another. What’s not important is everyone else. Sure if you choose to invite people then feed and water them adequately and don’t make them jump through hoops to be underfed and under appreciated but you need to do what’s right for you. Marrying abroad because you WANT to is fab, marrying abroad because you want to escape everyone isn’t.

Picture your budget, your dream wedding, and most important people to attend and work around that.

Good luck and congratulations x

When did I ever say I was in debt?
Booked a holiday at the start of Dec for summer, had enough to pay the deposit and will have enough to pay the balance.

We are in no debt whatsoever.

One of the best weddings I've ever been to was an afternoon tea themed wedding.

Lovely church first, then a hall which they decorated themselves and they got caterers in to do the afternoon tea. There was so much food and it was delicious and they had a bar for people who wanted alcohol.

I think they had around 100 people to, they then had a live band, and bacon butties in the evening. It was just fab and so relaxed and fun!

But is it not you that has borrowed 1500 from your DS's savings??

I personally would class that as a debt

Let him start doing some research. Sit quietly for a few weeks and watch him change his mind.

You will be off to the highlands before you know it.

We got married at 6pm followed by an ‘evening do’ only. Really kept costs down and meant no one was left out.

Do it on a weekday
You'll be surprised how many come. But it's win win as the more that don't, the more you save 😂

I think you're making the right decision though it must feel a bit deflating. All the life things you talk about are more important than a massive party that costs £££. You can still make it a little bit special - e.g. some flowers in your hair, a unique vintage dress, something that you'd like.
All the best

I think if you don't have the money for the holiday before you actually book, it's a debt.

Possibly you have incredibly high expectations and are already living beyond your means, in the sense of spending money before you have it.

Scaling back expectations is wise. If you want a massive wedding you save for it. However if you already have the house, kids and holidays why bother? The wedding really is pretty much just a formality if you've already done those things.

We got married in August on a Wednesday in the school holidays. Saved money for venue and for all suppliers. Guests won't mind as long as give them plenty of notice on save the dates etc