I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

More chance of head agreeing to you getting married on an inset day than term time!

Having said that, if you’ve got a nice HT, they might be willing to bend the rules. Although considering the lack of supply right now, I really doubt it.

Found it.
I knew I'd heard this somewhere.

www.facebook.com/bbcsomerset/posts/888935837844185

I got married Midweek after bank hols in Easter hols. A few guests couldn't take the time off but that reduces your numbers! My dress was a 'proper' wedding dress but from a previous season so it was £350 in the sale and my bridesmaids dresses were from debenhams. The only thing I regret is inviting all these friends of my dh's mum who I didn't know. I wish we had just said no and invited more of our friends. So I sugggest you tell your in laws and family that you can't afford it and if they want certain people there they would unfortunately have to fund it themselves. That's fair enough imo as you only have a limited budget. Like pp have said you can do a lot yourself (make up, invitiations, order of service, decs etc) and no one really cares. Spend money on some nice food and plenty of drink and then you're guests will be very happy.

I’m a teacher and I’m getting married on the Friday of Oct half term 2018. We’re having a tropical Pre-Moon at Easter this year (basically it was already booked so it can do for that purpose!)

I revelled in just being engaged for at least six weeks before worrying about anything!

Go ahead and book an initimate venue that limits the numbers. I’ve gone for a limit of 60 and therefore enforced a limit on his over zealous family! Lol

Not sure if you'd discounted Sloans on price OP but am glad you know about it, and I really really recommend it! Genuinely both the weddings there were among the nicest I've been to and they were both very different.

The cheaper one (and I only know it was cheaper cos both brides talked about costs with me) - you would never have known it was cheaper. Food was catered in-house and was really excellent. They were able to afford a photo booth, ceilidh band and other fun bits and pieces and the venue were really helpful in recommending people within their price range, and flexible with what they wanted to do. She had got her dress at wed 2 be and they used duncan robertson for their celebrant- he's fairly local (central belt), not too expensive and very nice.

One couple lives locally so just went home after the wedding but another couple booked some of the serviced apartments in the west end and had the most luxurious one for themselves as a honeymoon suite- as they did a block booking for various family members it wasn't overly pricey.

Don't feel disheartened - you can manage this! Know what you mean about the Vu, it can feel a bit impersonal. And Kinkell Byre is massively overrated in my opinion. It was a great place for a big end of year party when we graduated uni - less so for a romantic wedding.

The Glasgow registrars is a lovely arts and craft decorated building in a Georgian crescent which doesn’t cost a bomb, we married there and then rented a room in a local hotel for the reception and had a lovely meal for 24 people, the whole thing cost £2000. I had a local dressmaker do my dress for £200 (in silk).

If you want to go with the small and intimate wedding we were going to rent out a separate part of One Devonshire Gardens which included about 10 hotel rooms in the price, which would have made things easier for those traveling but unfortunately it was already booked for that date, but if you are booking ahead it’s worth looking into as I’ve been there for a small .wedding and it’s really lovely.

Go with the wedding you want, the worst thing you can do is start asking everyone else’s opinion or going by what you think they want.

We had a very small wedding and only invited 20. To the evening another 90, a great chunk of those booked local hotels and willingly even though we were only inviting to an evening do.We had a lovely surrounded by wonderful family and friends.

People will come if they want too.

Your fiancé needs to find his spine and his priorities. If he secretly wants a big fancy princess wedding he needs to own it and not bleat about pleasing his relatives. If not, he needs to discuss realities, wants, prices with his chosen family-you. The sole point of a wedding is to turn two people into each other’s family, legally, not a pissing contest and war between random relatives, nosy relatives must remember it’s not about them, it’s not a reunion party and don’t tell them any details. Trust me. You can’t even imagine the rows that will happen, tell nothing to anyone.

I absolutely agree that you should work out what you can afford, and then set that amount as your budget limit.
List all of the elements you want to include, in order of priority. For us, it was to have a great photographer. Others prioritise a fabulous frock, or spectacular catering, or the best band they can afford, a free bar etc.
Forget all the frippery such as chair covers, wedding favours etc.
You can do it for less than £12k.
You certainly shouldn't be finding it so stressful as this, 24 hrs after a proposal.

What about getting married on the September weekend and then honeymoon in October break?! That should be cheaper.
We also made use of all our talented friends. My former boss did our photographs, 3 friends played violins at various points in the service, my mum made our cake, both sets of parents made sandwiches and scones and we had a delicious strawberry tea followed by a hog roast and ceilidh. Bridesmaids bought their own dresses. One friend made chocolates for our wedding favours. It's amazing what people will do when you start to ask/have conversations!!

Summer 2020? We might all be dead by then!

I mean FFS. I might get married in summer 2020 ...and I'm currently single.

If you are engaged and, as you put it, don't want to sit around, CRACK ON!

Sat and worked it out with OH.
We can save roughly £450-£550 per month between us and I dont want all of that going on a bloody wedding.
Realistically we have £300 to save for a wedding, so £5700 by summer 2019 and £10800 by winter 2020 which, with prices rising year on year, may not be enough for 100+ and what is expected.

I think he now realises we cannot have it all ways.

We also have no crafty/diy friends. One does knit but unless I want 100 pairs of socks there's not much else to do.

Congratulations first of all!

There's definitely ways of keepingr the budget down without feeling like you've scrimped and saved tbh. Wedding dress sample sales, mid week wedding rather than weekend, etc. We saved £1k just by going for a Sunday rather than a Saturday at our venue, and this was still in peak summer. If you're a teacher then a mid week wedding over the Christmas period could work really well and be v romantic! Timing it so you only have to feed your guests once also helps; go for a mid afternoon wedding with just one meal rather than a lunchtime wedding with a three course meal and then further food in the evening. Things like hog roasts work well, and have your wedding cake as your dessert rather than having both. There's loads of good articles online on how to cut costs without feeling like you've compromised.

Good luck with it all and hope it all works out for you!

You need to make a list of your must-haves and nice to haves.

For example.

Must have - a dress.
Nice to have - a designer floofy dress.

Must have - a wedding venue
Nice to have - a fancy pants hotel.

Must have - food
Nice to have - a 3 course sit down dinner.

DH and I got married in the last afternoon then went straight onto a reception at the local sports club. Hire of that cost us £200. We had a fuck off gurt hog roast - £600. Friends and family made extra food for the buffet table. No favours, no extras like photo booths, fireworks, slippers, scarfs etc.

We had about 150 guests and in total the wedding came in at about £6k (mostly because I wanted a particular dress and a particular photographer)

It really is possible to host an awesome wedding on a budget - just remember all you really need to do is provide something to eat, something to drink (a couple of bottles per table is perfectly adequate) and something to dance to.

Well it's good he's realised he can't have what he wants so something has to give!

That's still a healthy budget - don't be worried, you can have a lovely wedding, just not the one he wants.

The week between Christmas and NYE is worth looking at, along with first week of January, if you'll still be off. That way you aren't competing with Christmas "dos", but many places will still have Christmas decorations up.

There are loads of ways you can have a big wedding on the cheap, even on a Saturday. You've told us your budget and location, I bet posters here could come up with a 120 person 6k wedding for that with a bit more info on what you want and need.

However, I'm not sure that's going to help with the wider point which is that you want to go away for something small and intimate and he doesn't. And I don't think either of you are wrong. What about a small and cheap elopement and then a party in some kind of hall or similar the next weekend and get everyone to bring a dish? Compromise option.

Examples of ways to do the big wedding and save:

• No favours. People usually end up just leaving them anyway.

• Photographer: could you contact a local university or college and see if there are any students there who'd do it? We got a very recent graduate for ours, on the cheap. He's now gone onto bigger and better things and costs much more!

• Kilt hire: is this necessary? If kilts are important to you, could they be borrowed? I'm not Scottish so forgive me if this is unspeakably stupid and/or offensive of me.

• Dresses: for how many? You can get something nice for a couple of hundred, especially if you'd consider Monsoon or end of season sales.

• Location: does it actually have to be somewhere 'nice'? Or would you be ok with just the nearest place that holds you all?

• Food. As others have pointed out, things like hog roasts are much cheaper than a sit down. Even more cost effective is everyone bringing a dish. I've been to a couple of weddings like this. You know your circle and whether this would fly with them. If everyone you know is a shocking cook it might not work so well.

Firstly, congratulations! And secondly, don’t panic - it really is doable on a budget. We did a midweek wedding to keep costs down. We had a (very lovely) registry office, champagne in a gorgeous park and then a curry buffet at a rugby club, for pudding we filled a freezer with ice creams and people helped themselves. We didn’t have favours or any flowers apart from my bouquet. It was honestly lovely - and yours can be too. Start reading blogs/ Pinterest for ideas. eBay is your friend. I got my dress from Monsoon for £200 but sold it on eBay for £30 so someone else could have the pleasure of it.

Try Groupon, Wowcher etc for wedding packages.

There will have to be compromise somewhere. You can do a lovely wedding for £4-5,000. You can also do a lovely wedding for £4-500! It's just one day, don't get caught up in the madness.

Ring the register office tomorrow and book the next available Saturday. Tell no one and get it done.
No need to bore the world for TWO years.

Here you go. Perth, so not too far www.groupon.co.uk/deals/the-salutation-hotel-non-accommodation-2

DH and I got married about 4 years ago, and this was our way of keeping costs down:
As we didn't wish for anything for our home, we asked our family and friends to contribute to the wedding, in the sense that:
My DFs gift was my wedding dress
DSiL was bridesmaid and photographer, and so that was her gift
PiL gave us the buffet - which was mostly homemade/finger foods and was lovely as there was something for everyone to enjoy.
One of our best friends made our wedding cake and DM paid for flowers.

We got married at the registration office with the 30 very closest family, and then had an all afternoon/evening party with about 75 people.
We rented a community hall which had a cheap DJ and a Bar, and we just made guests pay for their own drinks, after the initial welcome champagne anyway.

There are certainly ways to compromise, and since you've already got a house you could easily ask for wedding help rather than another set of pots and pans if you wanted to.

Good luck with everything, in the end, its important to keep a hold of what YOU and you DP want, not your families and their expectations.
Also, remember to compromise, not just your wedding or his, you are marrying each other ;)