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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

352 replies

sailorcherries · 26/12/2017 14:23

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

OP posts:
MadamPatti · 27/12/2017 12:19

I haven’t RTFT so i apologise if I’m repeating what anyone else has said. My tips for reducing costs:-

  1. Have a late afternoon wedding - no seperate evening do, only 1 lot of food.
  1. Hire a civic venue (ie town hall type place) and an outside caterer. Outside caterer will work to your budget.

Congratulations on your engagement!

Original poster
sailorcherries · 27/12/2017 12:26

Thank you everyone for taking the time to read my entire post :)

I never wanted a big wedding, for all those implying that I do/did.
I started to panic after Christmas with the inlaws and the mention of the big white wedding, realising that we could not afford that unless we sold a kidney or child.

I don't want to spend thousands on a fucking party.

After talking to OH we then realised that even if we wanted a small wedding and 'only' spent £3-4k we'd still need to wait years, which I don't see the point in, due to OHs study.

I forgot about OHs course because we already knew that we would be able to afford day to day living, a rainy day fund and then savings for holidays and Christmas/birthdays. It was the additional expense of saving for a wedding that was forgotten in relation to that.

I then mentioned that we'd need to be married by August (his course starting), and still had a christening and holiday to pay for.
So 7 months maximum to save, minus those expenses, leaving about £1000 maximum. I'd then rather not put myself through any financial strain and jeans down our local office and a pub meal down the road is much cheaper than a monsoon dress and the nicer pubs/restaurants/registry office in the nearest city. Having totalled it up we realised the former would cost maybe £500 all in and the latter over the £1000.

It's not about being a bloody martyr.

OP posts:
Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/12/2017 14:49

Why dont you have your DC christened at the wedding?

I'm assuming you do believe in God if you are having a christening so a church service would presumably be preferable as registry offices are purely secular

Wishingandwaiting · 27/12/2017 14:49

Given your budget OP, I’m surprised you even sat down to have a discussion about what type of wedding you were going to have and number of guests.

You can make it a nice day but your budget is very small and the only option is elope or a meal out for close family after ceremony.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 27/12/2017 14:50

And it doesnt matter what you wear for a church service either

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 27/12/2017 14:54

we did midweek in school hols. Most guests were close friends or family and happy to take a day off work for us? or teachers or self employed. There were only a couple that couldn't come. We sent out save the dates about 9 months before. Halved the wedding costs as all suppliers and venues are cheaper for midweek. Plus I DIY'd a lot.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 27/12/2017 15:28

Gobbolin I've already stated that I am not religious and do not want a church wedding.

OP posts:
Original poster
sailorcherries · 27/12/2017 15:29

Wishing the budget changed completely between two discussions. Rtft.

OP posts:
MiniAlphaBravo · 27/12/2017 15:34

Why are you having a christening then? Could put money from that towards wedding. Will still be rather a small affair, maybe just do registry office and a meal and save all the fuss/relatives stress.

Original poster
sailorcherries · 27/12/2017 15:41

Mini because my OH is to an extent; his family are and my father's family are.

However I am not and I don't want a church wedding. Ideally I want a humanist wedding.

Why are those two concepts so difficult to grasp? Confused

OP posts:
Aragog · 27/12/2017 15:43

Cut out the meal. Go for a later wedding at around 4pm and then go straight into the evening with a buffet style meal and party feel. A church wedding can often hold a lot of people and are often not expensive.

No need to spend tons on a dress for one day. Look at the high street shops - many have lovely options for much cheaper or go to the bridal sales and look at ex stock type sales. Can save more than half on a dress that way. Your do can choose a suit that he can wear afterwards too, don't need a special one off one. Same for bridesmaid dresses.

MiniAlphaBravo · 27/12/2017 15:51

Wow no need to be rude. You don't seem to grasp that people are trying to help.

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/12/2017 16:00

A christening isn't expensive - at least it needn't be and I'd prioritise the wedding I wanted over the christening especially given you aren't religious. You can do a finger lunch after the christening ceremony, supermarket cake and jobs done then out the remaining money to whatever part of the wedding matters most to you.

Allthewaves · 27/12/2017 16:04

Aunt got married on the quiet - only her and dh knew. They saved a couple of years and had a lovely ceremony with reception. They only told people years later that they had gotten married before the wedding.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 27/12/2017 16:04

I'd go midweek if it's that much cheaper. Your guests can work round taking time off with enough notice.

Me264 · 27/12/2017 16:04

I went to a lovely “budget” wedding in the summer. Village hall, humanist ceremony. They decorated the hall themselves with bunting and wild flowers in jam jars. Long trestle tables for the meal, which was pies sourced from the local butcher. Instead of presents they asked everyone to bring either a cake/dessert or cheese, and ended up with the most incredible spread. I can’t imagine the whole thing cost them more than a couple of thousand.

Branleuse · 27/12/2017 16:12

Elope

or do one of those 1k premier inn weddings, just invite a few people, and if anyone is offended, then too bad for them

Original poster
sailorcherries · 27/12/2017 16:21

Mini I'm sorry.

However this is becoming frustrating.

I want(ed) a small wedding, preferably in the Highlands or abroad. OH didn't but wanted a small wedding here but wanted to please family.
We cannot afford the expected wedding. We cannot afford to upset and annoy family with our wishes.

I was upset at not being able to have the wedding I want or the expected one.

I then went on further to explain there would be no wedding due to other forgotten circumstances. I have said this a few times. And still people continue to ignore and post.

The consesus is it is bu to be upset at not getting the wedding you want.
It is bu to get upset ocer2 having no wedding and settling for the local registry office next to asda.
It is nbu to ignore posts by the OP explaining everything further.

OP posts:
monkeymamma · 27/12/2017 16:29

Me264 that sounds great! Dh and I had similar, hired village hall for £9, decorated with local wild flowers (and had lovely garden flowers donated by ladies who lived nearby and heard there was a wedding!). Dmum made bunting and other decs. My ddad did the cooking and hired some local ladies as waitresses (they had such a good time they formed a professional company to do wedding catering afterwards!). My dress was designer but ex-display and taken in by a seamstress. Dh and groomsmen hired suits. DJ was cheap but terrible, nowadays you could just make a playlist and borrow some good speakers I reckon. Photographer was £500 inc all printing/3 albums and 150 prints. Again you could just ask a friend who’s handy with a lens! Bridesmaids dresses were a major expense which OP could easily skip by asking bridesmaids/best women/etc to wear and choose own outfits. I didn’t see it as a budget wedding btw, just thought of it as a normal wedding - all these fancy type ones are surely just for magazines and bloggers or whatever? It was hands down best day of my pre-kids life (best days of my life have been every day with my kids since they were born)!

Jellycatspyjamas · 27/12/2017 16:33

In fairness, you said you wouldn't spend more than the minimum on a walk in registry office, pub meal because it would be a financial strain - £1,000 over £500.00. I don't see that the fees for a registry office would come to £500 (notice fees are £70 and registrar is around £130.00 depending on timing, your £500 budget could accommodate a humanist celebrant if that's important to you.

I don't think anyone is saying you're unreasonable to want what you want, the unreasonableness comes from getting engaged, immediately doing wedding research and working yourself into what seemed like a bit of a state over what you thought you could/couldn't have, responding rudely to folk trying to offer help and then remembering significant commitments that seem to suggest you can't afford to get married at all in a way that means something to you.

In your shoes I'd leave it til after the holidays, think about what actually matters to you and do that. DP hasn't applied for, or been accepted for his course yet - surely he could postpone for a year to let you get the christening and wedding over with?

Lweji · 27/12/2017 16:36

It is bu to get upset ocer2 having no wedding and settling for the local registry office next to asda.

It's still a wedding. Just not with a party and fancy dresses.

You can still have a meaningful ceremony with your loved ones. And you'll be married.

Lweji · 27/12/2017 16:38

The same for the Christening.

Neither need to be expensive.

fantasmasgoria1 · 27/12/2017 16:38

Crikey my fiancé and I only plan on spending £2000! Register office wedding , outfits for myself and fiancé,no bridesmaids etc and reception in the evening! There will be a buffet but that’s it! Mind you it’s not a first marriage for either of us and we don’t was masses of fuss just to be married!

Original poster
sailorcherries · 27/12/2017 16:44

Jelly by the 12th/13th page of repeating myself it gets tedious.

And to repeat myself again we spoke in depth prior to the actual engagement. It was not done in a day Hmm

Our local registry office costs £125. Our immediate family is 15 strong. Paying the local pub to feed everyone will be a few hundred.
The nicer office in the closest town costs anywhere up to £450 and a meal there for 15 will be closer to an additional £600.

So a vast difference.

Again, we have no savings atm and will be paying for a holiday and christening in between. We cannot afford it all so the cheaper option it is which will be a jeans affair.

Again, not being a martyr but realistic.

And I'd never ask him to put off college for a bloody wedding.

OP posts:
mrsreynolds · 27/12/2017 16:45

Op...I got married 18 years ago
Pil insisted on a big wedding and dh then said that's what he wanted....
Had over 100 at the meal - just family and 2 friends each
Do you know how many of those people we have seen since??
Not many!!!
Have your small Scottish wedding- sounds lovely
Let your ohs family plan a big party afterwards if that's what they want