I know I am bu, engaged and now upset

[sailorcherries]

So yesterday OH proposed and I said yes, it was a lovely start to a lovely day.

We started talking about a wedding and agreed on summer 2019, winter 2019 or summer 2020. I teach which really narrows down available dates, if I want a few days off before and after the wedding, and unfortunately puts any potential wedding right in peak times.

We quickly realised that we probably can't afford to get married in the way we want. Having tallied up guests there is close to 100 adults and 10 children, all of who are close and not the equivalent of a great aunt twice removed. In our dates we're looking at over £7000 for a reception alone. Evening guests put that up to almost £7500 and then there are still all the other costs. We're looking at almost £12,000 for ceremony fees, dress, flowers; kilt hire; photographer etc as a base line. In our area the average wedding is almost double and there are no nice country pubs etc. We'd have to travel quite a bit and are concious of our guests traveling. I looked at almost all venues in a 25 mile radius.
We earn a good wage but cannot justify spending that when we have two kids and bills.

We then came to an impasse.
I suggested a small wedding abroad but OH doesn't want to ask his parents to pay.
OH suggested a small wedding here then bigger reception, I thought that was cheeky as almost half our guests would need an overnight and we couldn't ask that of them for an evening only invite.
We both suggested a small wedding here but then realised both families would want and expect those 100 odd adults to come and we're back to square one.
I suggested eloping but he, understandably, wants his family there.
We looked at mid week weddings but don't want to inconvenience our guests.
He then suggested waiting 3-4 years before planning but, imo, you get engaged to get married you don't get engaged to sit around.

We're not looking for an extravagant wedding, we are just in the unfortunate position whereby we are mid earners, limited dates and high outgoings. We also want to do right by our guests and that makes things trickier.

It seems as if we'll never agree, one of us will not get what we want and it very quickly put a dampner on a happy moment.

I know iabu, please tell me to put my big girl pants on and/or make money saving suggestions?

Evelyn everyone I know books a holiday, pays the deposit and then pays the rest later. I don't consider it a debt. If we realised we couldn't afford the rest we cancel, lose the deposit and that's it. I've not borrowed money to pay for it.

And yes 1scoop that was me. £500 has been repaid since and given the fact that I have until he is 18 to repay the money and, as others pointed out, put money in to savings which he should have spent and therefore spent my own instead, it's not quite the same. But thank you.

thedevilina it actually feels crap. I never wanted a big affair however I never wanted a no-one there, jeans and top and back home for a chinese either. Which is seeming more and more likely since bloody registry office fees, notice fees etc add up too and if it's not done before he starts his course it just won't happen.

My dsis got married in her city registry office. It was lovely. Then they went to the peace gardens behind the registry office for photos taken by a friend. She wore her fave dress. Not a wedding dress. Best friend was BM, again in her own clothes. She got her dh his version of smart (linen shirt, loose trousers, looked fine with his long haired look). Then me mum dad my dh2b plus a few of her friends went to a nice restaurant. She'd paid £10 per head deposit and we were meant to be paying for ourselves (everyone knew this beforehand and had asked to come). My dad paid in the end. No cake.

The restaurant gave her flowers and there was a piano player in the bar area. We paid for our own drinks at the bar after. It was good fun and cost bobbins. She'd even given her visitors a bit of snacky lunch before we went to the registry off. Home made bread, tabboule and olives they'd marinaded themselves. We all just sat around her kitchen table in her messy rented house. No fripperies. This was on a thursday. In may.

Shes a doctor and loaded but hates spending money except on herself. She likes nice things and good things in life. It was a memorable day and very her. She just wanted to be married and didnt see the point to expensive hoopla.

If you go low key to get married you can always throw a big party later in life. Being married is great. The wedding is just one day. Make it special but not silly expensive.

Zen our local office has no garden but it is next to a McDonald's and Asda! But £125 is doable so that's it.

Just read your xpost. I think youre being a bit OTT. Why is it jeans and a top? Why would a nice restaurant kick your family out early. Would your mum or a friend not babysit whilst you and dh go out for cocktails after? Why do you need random witnesses when previously you knew 100 people who absolutely had to come? Why do you have to pay if family want to come? If you haven't got 2 beans then people understand that. Your dps would surely chip in on the meal.

Also in financial terms agreeing to pay for something (holiday) in the future is a debt. Mind you might be worth ditching the deposit giving up the holiday and spending the £1000 you save on your little wedding. Personally i think a weeks sun is better value and just have the low key wedding.

I teach and got married on a Friday in August. We concluded that most of my friends were teachers so off anyway, anyone else close wouldn't mind taking the day off and that we didn't mind if anyone decided not to come. Everyone came and we had a great time.

I don't know how these things work but could you combine your DS's christening with your wedding celebration?

What's the rush?

Its all getting a tad Martyry

Zen I forgot about the holiday, DS2 Christening and OHs course. His course being the main catalyst.
His course allows him small part time work for a year; which limits our savings and anything saved will be rainy day/Christmas/birthday and holiday money for 2019.
He then moves to a full time apprenticeship for 3 years. No opportunity to work around it and leaves us in the same financial position.

Essentially by 2022 we'll only then be in a position to save for a wedding. I'd rather not wait 4 years to then plan and I'd prefer to marry before his course and our financial position drastically changes which means by August, after we've paid for a holiday and christening and squirreled money for a rainy day.

And as my parents paid in full for the holiday, I'd still not consider myself in debt despite repaying it.

I didn't realise this was turning in to a financial planning and advice thread.

My dsis got married in Sheffield. The garden is the sheffield peace gardens. Its like a big wooden greenhouse.

My best mate used a lake district registry office. It was some 70s style building with carpet tiles, unlovely. Didnt matter, room was stuffed full with friends and family. Not everyone who wanted to could come but she hired converted barn, decorated and had bbq. She and her dh are also well off but there was only so much money to spare at the time. She opted for large number of guests and cheaper cost per head. It takes more legwork. Anyhow its not what you are looking for.

Maybe just take a step back. Stop thinking about weddings. Then a solution will emerge.

Only1 the rush is OH leaving for a course in August, changing our financial position drastically.
He won't be qualified and earning until 2022.
We will have no money to save for a wedding until then meaning no actual wedding for another 5-6 years. Which I don't agree with.

I got married last month. Just me, my DH, DS2 and 2 witnesses. No dress, no kilts, no flowers, no faff at all. We had a nice meal afterwards then went away for a few days just the 3 of us. It was absolutely perfect. Didn’t have to worry about anyone else, favours, colour schemes etc etc. For me getting married isn’t about anything other than the 2 of us with our DS sealing our family. Xx

We got married at 5pm. Not because it was cheap, but because it absolutely fitted with what we wanted: no early morning, buffet fed everyone(no day time and evening guests) we paid for a couple of drink, fewer hours to pay for photographer, etc

best wedding I ever went to-in a local church hall. They asked for contributions to the wedding in lieu of gifts- everyone bought a from a food order list from M&S or another catering company type list or drink from a supermarket list etc. All delivered to the hall in the morning. Decorated by friends as their gift etc Some other guests did the flowers etc etc

Whole wedding cost the couple a few hundred pounds.

Wow 12k. On a day. I’d cut it to 3k & do what I could.

Congratulations on your engagement!! Please enjoy planning your day rather than the stress you've already experienced in the past 24 hours. It's all new and once everything calms down you will be able to see the wood from the trees.
We got married mid week. 160 guests. Venue was 1/3 of the price. You have to decide to either 'inconvenience' guests but in inviting them saying you would choose to share your day with them. Ultimately it's their decision whether they can attend. We had some who were unable for whatever reason and we respected that.
Or, you go small and cut your guest list. If your family has such high guest list expectations then they can pay!
Have a brilliant day whatever you decide.

I haven't read the pages of answers so apols if you have moved past your original question 'am i being unreasonable?' I would say you have lost perspective. You have limited income, therefore it seems reasonable to design your day to suit your budget.
If it is more important to you to have an amazing dress then buy that and dump the guests. If it is more important to you to have lots of guests, then do a party at a nice pub or in someone's garden.
Why not try let go of the need to have all of the trimmings. It's more important to you and your partner that he do his course, so why not chill a little and take the wedding plans down a notch or ten.
And congrats on getting engaged - enjoy!!

We will have no money to save for a wedding until then meaning no actual wedding for another 5-6 years. Which I don't agree with.

So why don't you just get married without any fanfare? It does seem from your posts that the wedding and all that gubbins is more important than the actual marriage.

You can’t afford your “dream wedding” but can easily do something much cheaper and still nice.

If the big, pricey wedding for 100 is more important to you than the financial/legal protection of marriage, fair enough, you’ll need to wait. Hope you have wills, power of attorney and legalities in order in the meantime.

How on earth do you forget about your future husband leaving full time work to study? If you want to be married, get married - if a registry office and dinner is your only option, make it as nice as you can i.e. Find a pretty registry office and book a nice meal. You can choose not to wear jeans assuming you've got clothes in your wardrobe?

The reality is none of us can do it all - if you're about to half your income then priorities need to shift, I wouldn't want to wait to get married but I'd look for the best I could with what I had. You sound quite huffy tbh, getting engaged doesn't sweep away all of the other very real practicalities we need to deal with and while a dream wedding (whatever your dream looks like) would be lovely, I also know folk who would love to chuck their job and go back to study for a while.

Or ask your partner to delay his return to study for a year or so until you get married.

Lessons I learnt from my own stupidly expensive wedding (I cringe when I think what that money could have been used for now):
Don't be fussy about a Saturday, Friday is fine
You don't need a sit down meal - a late ceremony and an evening buffet is fine
Take more time off before (easier for a teacher than most) and be more diy, eg with flowers, cake
Think outside the box like PPs have said. I would definitely look at dates like 29 Dec. Or book out a restaurant or a train.
Don't aim to go straight on honeymoon. It's too much and you miss all the nice after wedding stuff.

In your case, I would also be talking to your head now. Another poster has said they got Friday and Monday off. That means you could do a January wedding. My sister did this and got a nicer wedding venue than mine for about a third the cost.

Congratulations and enjoy your wedding planning.

Hi OP. If you're getting your child christened, how about you double that up with a wedding? Presumably those attending the christening will be the most important people in your lives, and the ones you would want at your wedding anyway. That way, your guests are already there, you've already got a nice outfit, and you will presumably be feeding people something, which can maybe be expanded on to make a wedding meal. Might be worth considering.

You're right saying the point of getting engaged is to get married, not sit around being engaged.

You also need to remember that the point of getting married is spending the rest of your lives together, not the wedding day.

You need to just think where you can cut back and what's important for your wedding day. Lots of good suggestions have been put forward. We had a beautiful wedding that didn't cost a fortune. It's only one day - what comes after is what's important and I'm sure people will understand that you can't afford to invite everyone.

Look on eBay etc you never know what you could pick up. I have a size 16 brand new bridesmaid dress never worn if it is any use to you.

It's about the marriage, not the wedding. We got married on a 3k budget out of the blue when I got pregnant!

We offended loads of family by not inviting their adult kids/plus ones to the day. But we said you're welcome at the church if you like we just can't afford to feed you.

This is your marriage. It's simple, make your vows and anything else is a bonus!!

OP you seems slightly dramatic, it doesn’t need to be a 12k wedding, or wearing jeans with no one there (with no options ibetween).

Why can you not get a dress on eBay, hire a kilt, and have a buffet in the local hall? Many caterers will do it for £4 a head. And you can get a DJ with PA system for about £150.