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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer help domestic violence victim friend

105 replies

Dottie39 · 26/12/2017 12:36

Well obviously I am unreasonable as it's her life and ultimately she is the victim, but I am so cross right now.
After several instances of domestic violence my friend finally left her husband in September. He had hit her several times, raped her, and emotionally abused her for years. She confided in me last Christmas and over the last year I have tried to help her. I put her in touch with women's aid, I gave her a place to stay with her two sons when she first left, i spent months speaking to her daily and trying to advise. I was the only one who knew so I felt I had to be proactive in helping her. The final straw for her was when he hit her in front of the children. She left and came to mine. I took her to the police station, stayed with her. Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied. Her husband got supervised access. This Christmas they agreed to be together at hers, her mum was there too in case anything kicked off. I text her last night to check it went ok. I got this reply this morning "it was lovely, it was so nice all being a family again. Me and husband stayed up all night talking and he is so sorry and knows now what he has lost. We have decided to try again, please don't be cross Dottie, I can't help loving him and the boys are so happy"
I am so cross with her. Her son's won't be so happy when social services removes them. After everything, I am so disappointed, and really scared for her. I want to walk away but I know they might need me soon and it would be worse if she had nowhere to turn. I spent the last year helping her get out only for her to go back so easily. I haven't replied, I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
MadisonMontgomery · 26/12/2017 12:39

I would call social services- she is unable to keep her children safe.

TurnipCake · 26/12/2017 12:40

I remember listening to a similar story on a Dan Savage podcast, and the answer he gave to the listener went something along the lines of, "I'll be here if you ever need my help, but for now, I cannot engage in this, so I'm backing off"

monkeywithacowface · 26/12/2017 12:41

There's nothing you can do or say. I can understand your frustration though.

I probably wouldn't reply at this point. Social services may become involved again now they are back together.

HeyMacWey · 26/12/2017 12:41

Give it a few days before you reply.

Supporting her will have taken a huge amount of emotional and physical resources. Your anger should be directed at her husband though.

Don't be a stranger. She'll need your support again in the future. You know that though.

Tinselistacky · 26/12/2017 12:45

I understand op. I have recently gone nc with a friend. Her dh actually killed someone, went to jail, police spent a fortune making her home safe in her mind, panic button, own liason officer, same for her dps etc. Turns out she has been in contact with him since he got out 18 months ago - what a waste of resources, I could no longer be a part of it once I had realised. When she realises she has made a mistake she will need you. Only you can decide if you can go through it with her again.

MrsJayy · 26/12/2017 12:49

The thing about helping people is you have to protect yourself first you were a good friend now you need to back off tell her she is a grown up and she hasn't made you cross and this decision is on her.

gottachangethename1 · 26/12/2017 12:50

Please don’t abandon her. According to Women’s Aid, it can take a woman up to 5 attempts before she is finally able to break free for good. Your friend clings to what she believes are the good times, knowing in her heart they won’t last long. I agree to tell her you’ll always be there for her, then bow out for a while but don’t imagine that all is fantastic based on her text- it is just part of the abusers cycle. They have to be ‘nice’ some times, or their partners would leave much sooner.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 26/12/2017 12:51

I'd report to social services so that the children are in safe hands and walk away.

I couldn't be friends with somebody that would put their children in that position or run the risk of losing them as their selfish adult wants are more important than their children.

NovemberWitch · 26/12/2017 12:54

Always be there for her? That’s a hell of a promise to ask of someone who has already given a huge amount of time and heart.
Time for the professionals to step up. Let’s hope safeguarding the children is their priority whilst their mother lives through her fantasies over and over again.

Namechanger2015 · 26/12/2017 12:55

When I was in this situation it really helped to go on the Freedom Programme, which helped me to understand that his behaviour was cyclical and the good times were always followed by bad times.

Is there any way you could keep the friendship going and perhaps accompany her to some meetings? I found it a real eye opener and hopefully it would spark some thoughts in your friend too.

mustbemad17 · 26/12/2017 12:58

I have had similar experience. Sadly I had no choice but to walk away, for my own - and my DDs - sanity.

Friend had two kids, live/run a pub with her partner. He is a cokehead & a drinker, when he's on both he gets vile. Beats crap out of her, terrorises her in front of her kids - the regs at the pub don't bat an eyelid cos it's 'none of their business'. I get a call one night to get her kids, turn up to find him pinning her to a wall. Bundled all of them in the car back to my (tiny) flat; women's aid involved, police, SS. Got her into a shelter, moving forward. Four weeks later i get a call to get her kids. From the pub. Same scenario.

SS now involved as she is back with him, new baby now in the picture. He tries to get her locked up for mental ill-health, she calls the police for DV then drops charges.

I've been through DV, i know how bloody hard it is. But it's true you can't help someone until they want to help themselves. It's mentally draining & in my case it put me & DD at risk of harm because i was 'interfering' in their relationship.

You ultimately have to let people make their own cock ups. If SS are involved she will soon have to make a decision anyway

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 26/12/2017 12:59

You do definitely need to report this to SS.
To a certain extent she can make her own choice. Those poor boys can't. I highly doubt they'll be happy seeing their mother getting knocked about, because it might be the honeymoon period now, but He'll soon be back to his abusing ways. You know what they about tigers and stripes

FaFoutis · 26/12/2017 12:59

You would not be unreasonable to stop helping if you don't have the energy for it. It's exhausting.

Bombardier25966 · 26/12/2017 12:59

The abuser keeps on abusing and alienating her from her friends. He wants you to disappear so he can exert more control over her.

I understand how difficult and frustrating this is for you, but please don't desert your friend. "I love you and I'm here for you if you need me" is what she needs from you. Turn your back and one day you could be reading about her fate in the local newspaper. I know that sounds extreme, but you'll know from his past behaviour that it could well happen.

Hygge · 26/12/2017 13:00

You can't do this for her.

You are absolutely not unreasonable to feel that you can't do anything more than you have already done.

You've done so much to help her escape and move on, and now she's placed herself and her children right back at square one.

It's not surprising if you feel you can't join her there to watch him abuse her and her children all over again.

What Turnip has suggested sounds like the right thing to do to me. Tell her you'll be there when she needs you but you can't engage right now.

I might also consider contacting social services in the New Year to let them know he is back in the family home and the children may be at risk.

If that feels like a step too far for you, can you contact Women's Aid instead and discuss your concerns with them? Or anonymously to the NSPCC?

There's a not quite local organisation to me that has advocates for women and children who live in these situations and if you have something similar they might be able to advise you on what to do if you feel you really can't cope when she next needs help.

If nothing else, they might give you the name and number of an advocate who can step into the role you played this year if she gets in touch with you. If you know you have someone to contact yourself when she gets in touch, it might help you to feel prepared and better able to cope when it happens.

You have your own emotional wellbeing to think of. If you really can't cope, at the very least you will know you can contact someone else who can help when she comes to you next.

You sound like you've been an amazing friend this past year but you can't do the work for her, and if you've reached your limit

Maelstrop · 26/12/2017 13:00

Please let her know you’re there for her, she will need you again, inevitabily.

TitaniasCloset · 26/12/2017 13:00

I went back to my abusive ex and friends cut me off, it took a few tries for me to leave for good.

I'm so sorry she has made this stupid decision, you must feel exhausted apart from anything else. I would send her a straight talking message and tell her you are there if she needs you then back off for your own peace of mind. Thanks

GrrrHotdogs · 26/12/2017 13:02

She is putting herself before her kids. I think I'd send something along the lines of Turnips suggestion. If social services had reservations then I would contact them too.

TitaniasCloset · 26/12/2017 13:02

Personally I wouldn't contact social services, they will find out anyway soon enough. As soon as the kids are back at school basically. She will see that as a huge betrayal and you seem to be her only friend.

TriHard27 · 26/12/2017 13:02

This sounds so tough. I will say that cutting off any support at this point will make her more desperate to make it work with him and less likely to seek help when it doesn't as her options will seem less and less as a result but obviously this has been a huge drain on you and you do need to think of yourself.

Daisy91 · 26/12/2017 13:03

You sound like a great friend, I would personally walk away and let her take responsibility.

I agree about keeping the children safe - if you think it’s the right thing to do, contact social services.

NovemberWitch · 26/12/2017 13:04

Maybe Bombardier, but it won’t be the OP’s responsibility and guilting someone is a shit response. This woman has been given help and support and has rejected it, any consequences are because of the abuser she chose. If her beloved kills her, perhaps her children will be safe and out of that toxic relationship.

Hopeful103 · 26/12/2017 13:05

Your anger should be directed at her husband though.

I disagree. This woman has control over this situation. She can leave him and has support. She chooses herself over protecting her children. I wouldn't respond and would have very little to do with her.

Roomster101 · 26/12/2017 13:06

I would contact social services. She is putting herself before the children. Someone needs to look out for them as she is obviously not up to the job.

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2017 13:06

Initially, I was going to say that Yabvu, but I don't blame you one bit. She is also making very unsafe decisions about her children, I would be inclined to report her to SS, if they knew that she was back with her ex, and putting her children in danger, then they would probably remove them from her. I would tell her this. I would also distance myself from her, for your own sanity, you have been a good friend, helping her and supporting her. It feels she has thrown it all back in your face. Let her face the consequences of her decision. Poor kids Sad.