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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To no longer help domestic violence victim friend

105 replies

Dottie39 · 26/12/2017 12:36

Well obviously I am unreasonable as it's her life and ultimately she is the victim, but I am so cross right now.
After several instances of domestic violence my friend finally left her husband in September. He had hit her several times, raped her, and emotionally abused her for years. She confided in me last Christmas and over the last year I have tried to help her. I put her in touch with women's aid, I gave her a place to stay with her two sons when she first left, i spent months speaking to her daily and trying to advise. I was the only one who knew so I felt I had to be proactive in helping her. The final straw for her was when he hit her in front of the children. She left and came to mine. I took her to the police station, stayed with her. Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied. Her husband got supervised access. This Christmas they agreed to be together at hers, her mum was there too in case anything kicked off. I text her last night to check it went ok. I got this reply this morning "it was lovely, it was so nice all being a family again. Me and husband stayed up all night talking and he is so sorry and knows now what he has lost. We have decided to try again, please don't be cross Dottie, I can't help loving him and the boys are so happy"
I am so cross with her. Her son's won't be so happy when social services removes them. After everything, I am so disappointed, and really scared for her. I want to walk away but I know they might need me soon and it would be worse if she had nowhere to turn. I spent the last year helping her get out only for her to go back so easily. I haven't replied, I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 14:36

"If its not just affecting her children but now scaring hers"
but now scaring YOURS..

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2017 14:38

It's completely unreasonable to expect someone else to put themselves into a violent situation to provide 'support'.

This has come up before on MN - I remember someone saying 'we needed more support' and I said then that it was unfair to expect someone else (Police, Social Services) to repeatedly put themselves in danger when the situation could have been avoided.

greendale17 · 26/12/2017 14:46

I would contact social services. She is putting herself before the children. Someone needs to look out for them as she is obviously not up to the job.

^please do this OP

Oblomov17 · 26/12/2017 14:47

Why are posters commentating on the Supervised contact?
The friends mother was there. Presumably this was agreed with SS? Rather than say it previously being at a contact centre, maybe?
It was supervised. He hasn't broken the agreement. Currently. Has he?

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2017 14:50

We don't know if he's broken it, he's at the house of the OP's friend currently. It's more the fact that he can only have supervised contact which is a big red flag! He's not considered safe to have the children alone. If they are living together again, he is likely to have unsupervised contact very shortly.

user1485778793 · 26/12/2017 14:59

It won't last op. Tell her you're there if she needs you. She's a fool and incapable of protecting her children, ss will probably put them in care

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2017 15:20

Oblemov, by being back with him, she is breaking SS terms. She is exposing her children to harm. Op shod absolutely report her friend to SS and send that text or call her, then take a step back.

BabsCabsIsLocal · 26/12/2017 15:22

Can't you be there in an every day friendship way? Meeting for coffee or whatever. So you're still on the scene (she's not isolated) but not investing huge amounts of time and energy.
I understand your frustration...

Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2017 15:28

That's very hard Babs, as she will inevitably want to talk about him and mabey the violence. I think for op sanity, she needs to step back.

MrsBobDylan · 26/12/2017 15:29

I could not continue to support someone who allowed their children to experience emotional distress and put them in a situation of danger. This woman has made her choice and sadly, it's her abusive ex.

I would notify SS that they have resumed their relationship and do what you need to do to look after yourself OP.

momjeansep · 26/12/2017 15:38

^^ completely agree

JaneEyre70 · 26/12/2017 15:39

I'd send her a text along the lines of you respect her choice, can't engage but will always be there as others have suggested. She is an adult, and sadly making her own choices. But I also agree with others that her children have no voice in this, and I would phone SS to notify them of her actions. Then let them deal with it.

You've been a great friend, but she's ultimately responsible for her choices.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 16:12

Babs once you know you cant un-know
You're not going to be able to flip back to chatting about what your respective DHs bought you for christmas and gush over his gift.

And if you ask her how her christmas went, she'll tell you! Punches and all, because you're already in the know

So how on earth do you flip back to casual friendship hmm?

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 17:39

actually.. I've had time to think... OP....

Do not Text your friend back in any way negative.... HE might be reading her Texts and might react to them... by taking it out on her....

think on what you will do... and do it ... but don't contact your friend incase it causes her harm... Flowers

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 26/12/2017 17:41

What don said - perfect

You are a good person and you did your best and you made a difference

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 17:56

"Please don’t abandon her. According to Women’s Aid, it can take a woman up to 5 attempts before she is finally able to break free for good."

But it is unlikely that the person who helped with attempt 1 will be the person who helps at attempt 5 because the abuser will use the help and weave it into their narrative "Im so glad youre not a jealous man hater like x who just doesnt want to see anyone else happy" etc.

From the victims point of view they can become blind/deaf to the first friend who tries to help: justifying it "she just doesnt get it, shes never been so deeply in love like this". He may even blame all their issues and his temper on the "helper" (interfering in what would otherwise be a good relationshio etc)

It can take a few different friends trying to help before she'll accept that maybe the mind-fucking and twisting isnt true and the friends ARE just being good friends...

So using those stats to say the op should carry on feeling like she is the friends one and only route to salvation is just wrong and unfair

Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 18:14

So using those stats to say the op should carry on feeling like she is the friends one and only route to salvation is just wrong and unfair

I dont think anyone is, I think that we are trying to educate the op that it is rare for the abused woman to leave on the first attempt and stick with that decision.
The OP by her own admission is cross and angry that her friend hasnt behaved the way she wanted her to when in fact the OP needs to educate herself about how the pattern of abuse effects woman and how likely events are going to pan out, ie they rarely leave on the first attempt so dont be upset/pissed off with it and imply you've wasted your time.

The OP should of course protect her own mental health and impose boundaries as it can and is draining and damaging for the friends as well.
However as I posted earlier, the OP thinking that her friend would leave on the first attempt and not take him back was incredibly naive and getting angry about it makes it all about the OP and not about her friend who is the one getting raped and beaten regularly.

Jerseysilkvelour · 26/12/2017 18:19

OP you've gone above and beyond already, your friend has been lucky to have you.

Whatever happens now isn't your responsibility, and you can't change what happens between them, and you can't influence her to do what you know is the right thing. You thought you could, but look what's happened. I'd step away and make sure you don't end up facilitating her staying in the relationship by being her shoulder to cry on.

Leave the door open for her though. And think of those children - be the person who is thinking about their wellbeing, as their mother evidently isn't, and let social services know they aren't safe anymore.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 18:20

"getting angry about it makes it all about the OP and not about her friend who is the one getting raped and beaten regularly."

It can be about both, its not mutually exclusive
The OP has never claimed that her plight as the friend is worse than the victims, that doesnt mean she cant feel angry or at saturation point.There are other victims involved here, victims with no choices whatsoever.

Some women NEVER leave, not the 5th or 50th time, no matter how many plan Bs are on offer. If giving up on her friend means that the OP now directly reports her concerns about the children then thats helping the victims that can still be helped!

The friend might be beyond help. Some people are. The kids can still be helped though

TheVoiceOfTreason · 26/12/2017 18:31

@TurnipCake that is a brilliant quote and imo entirely the right approach.

OP - my heart goes out to you both. You sound like a terrific friend and she is lucky to have you. She has made a terrible error of judgement and it's understandable that you are concerned for her and her children and don't feel like you can be a part of this, but there is always the risk/likelihood that I will go pear shaped again and you might be the only person she can talk to about it. But for now I think it's totally fair to say to her that you can't get behind
this decision, you can't stand by and watch her get hurt again so for now you are going to give her some space.

Good luck to you both for the future whatever happens.

Xxxxxx

Original poster
Dottie39 · 26/12/2017 19:34

Thank you all for replying.

I'm not angry because my friend didn't do as I wanted, I'm cross because she hasn't carried through the thing that she has told me she has wanted for her and her children for the last year. For 12 months I have been told that there is no love, only fear and violence. I have given my time, given emotionally, given financially, it has impacted my family as had them stay for 8 weeks while she had him removed from the family home. But it was worth it all all to help her make herself and her children safe.
For her to reverse it all in one day, knowing what it will mean for them all. It's not making it about me, it's knowing that it was all for nothing, and what it will mean for her poor boys.

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 26/12/2017 20:22

I think it sounds like she was coerced, or manipulated by him. But really she is putting her children in danger, and going against SS, by getting back with him, and thus exposing them to danger. Therefore you have a duty of care to those children by contacting SS. I woukd take a step back from this, tell her that you cannot support her at the moment.

Abbotswood · 26/12/2017 20:29

Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied

and

Her husband got supervised access

She can't just go back can she?

I'd report and walk away for now - some people can't be helped.

FlouncyDoves · 26/12/2017 20:31

I’d walk away and leave it.

It’s her life. It’s up to her how she lives it.

You don’t need that bullshit in yours.

Foodylicious · 26/12/2017 20:52

I'd reply saying "so glad you and the kids had a lovely Christmas. Want to go for coffee next week?"

Then talk to her face to face. If you want to if course.

I would be concerned he would see your text.

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