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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To no longer help domestic violence victim friend

105 replies

Dottie39 · 26/12/2017 12:36

Well obviously I am unreasonable as it's her life and ultimately she is the victim, but I am so cross right now.
After several instances of domestic violence my friend finally left her husband in September. He had hit her several times, raped her, and emotionally abused her for years. She confided in me last Christmas and over the last year I have tried to help her. I put her in touch with women's aid, I gave her a place to stay with her two sons when she first left, i spent months speaking to her daily and trying to advise. I was the only one who knew so I felt I had to be proactive in helping her. The final straw for her was when he hit her in front of the children. She left and came to mine. I took her to the police station, stayed with her. Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied. Her husband got supervised access. This Christmas they agreed to be together at hers, her mum was there too in case anything kicked off. I text her last night to check it went ok. I got this reply this morning "it was lovely, it was so nice all being a family again. Me and husband stayed up all night talking and he is so sorry and knows now what he has lost. We have decided to try again, please don't be cross Dottie, I can't help loving him and the boys are so happy"
I am so cross with her. Her son's won't be so happy when social services removes them. After everything, I am so disappointed, and really scared for her. I want to walk away but I know they might need me soon and it would be worse if she had nowhere to turn. I spent the last year helping her get out only for her to go back so easily. I haven't replied, I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2017 13:10

I would notify social services, especially as he only has supervised access at the moment and the children may be left alone with him at some point. If you don't want to speak to social services directly, see if the children's school has a pastoral worker that you could make a report to.

IMO, you've done your bit. It may take her a few more attempts but they don't have to be supported by you.

AfunaMbatata · 26/12/2017 13:10

The cycle of her leaving and going back to him could go on for years and years and years. She might never actually leave him anyway.
Walk away, it’s too much stress for a person to deal with.

expatinscotland · 26/12/2017 13:12

What Turnip said, and contact SS asap because those kids are not safe in that home.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 26/12/2017 13:13

Please don’t abandon her. According to Women’s Aid, it can take a woman up to 5 attempts before she is finally able to break free for good. Your friend clings to what she believes are the good times, knowing in her heart they won’t last long. I agree to tell her you’ll always be there for her, then bow out for a while but don’t imagine that all is fantastic based on her text- it is just part of the abusers cycle. They have to be ‘nice’ some times, or their partners would leave much sooner

This ^^

expatinscotland · 26/12/2017 13:15

And yeah, if he was only supposed to have supervised access then he and your mate have violated the terms of her having those children. Fuck betraying her, she's an adult, the children aren't safe so I'd let SS know. If it were my own daughter I'd shop her ass because I'd be afraid the man has potential to become a family annihilator.

Hygge · 26/12/2017 13:17

Something to consider about her decision to go back though.

In some cases, as strange as it may sound, women may feel safer living with their abuser than they do living without him.

It's said that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship can be when she leaves or tries to leave it.

A lot of women being abused by their partners come to believe that they can 'manage' his moods. They watch to see signs of him getting angry and try to do something to turn that mood around or make the inevitable attack less bad than it might have been if they hadn't seen it coming.

It can feel safer to go back to him and know where he is and be able to see what mood he's in, than to live apart and not know where he is, what he's doing, if he's angry, and if he's on the way to her right at that moment to attack her or her kids.

She might actually believe she's safer with him than she is without him, and that in this way her children are also at less risk.

I wouldn't let that change whatever it is you need to do for your own sake OP, but at least it's something to consider about her motives for going back to a violent relationship.

Even separated, she's the target of a violent and manipulative man, and she may be mistakenly believing that this is the right thing to do to keep herself and her children as safe as possible. Because at least she can see him now, rather than just wait and wonder from a distance.

Hopeful103 · 26/12/2017 13:17

While your friend is selfishly carrying on her romance her poor children are suffering. Report them.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 13:17

Do you like her?

Or do you want her to do as you tell her?

CotswoldStrife · 26/12/2017 13:22

Perhaps she cares about her friend's children Reallytired17 and doesn't want them to suffer the same kind of violence? Hardly a matter of getting your own way here!

magoria · 26/12/2017 13:22

If you don't think you can support her any more then back off. At the end of the day you have to put yourself and your family (if you have one first). You don't have to be an endless well of giving if it is to your detriment.

Do contact SS for the DC. It is the right thing to do so that SS can protect them and make sure they are safe.

GreenTulips · 26/12/2017 13:23

Text her

I'm sorry hear are that after all you've done to keep the children safe, and now wish to put them back in danger. You've shown strength in leaving, I can not suppprt your decision. I will be here for you if you or the children need me.

Then report her to social services - those saying they'll find out soon enough will be too late and the kids will be gone, for now at least she has a separate home.

Alexandrite · 26/12/2017 13:23

Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied
Social services need to know they aren't safe any more.

CaveMum · 26/12/2017 13:24

If you think shock tactics might work on her, sending her the 2016 Femicide Report might be of use. It shows of the 113 women murdered in the UK in 2016, 78 were killed by their current/former partner.

1q7dqy2unor827bqjls0c4rn-wpengine.netdna-ssl.com/wp-content/uploads/2017/12/The-Femicide-Census-Report-published-2017.pdf

Hopeful103 · 26/12/2017 13:24

Reallytired how are those two questions related. There are kids involved. This woman is not protecting her children for her own selfishness. So what do you suggest?

NovemberWitch · 26/12/2017 13:24

RT, as an adult woman, she is free to make any choice she likes. The children are not. I have friends who make risky choices, as long as the only person in danger is them, I wouldn’t try and get them to do what I want, and if they die. I’ll live with the loss.
OP walk away. Whatever you do or give, it won’t be enough. I’m assuming she already has the numbers for WA, Samaritans and the rest.

MrsDilber · 26/12/2017 13:25

I think you've done your part op, and done all you could do and then some. I understand your anger, she is an adult and this decision is on her own head.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 13:26

If it warrants SS intervention, then of course that is what should happen.

However, given how bad things have to be to warrant any change, I wouldn’t hold your breath about this woman losing her children. More likely they will be put on a child protection plan.

I’ve been where OP is, but if someone is your friend then that’s because you like them and care about them. That doesn’t stop because they live their life in a way you don’t agree with. And I get very uncomfortable with the ‘you must do what I tell you’ stance. It’s arrogant and it’s controlling.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 26/12/2017 13:32

Turn your back and one day you could be reading about her fate in the local newspaper.

That's an awful thing to say. Why on earth do you think it's acceptable to put that kind of guilt and responsibility on to the OP?

All of us have our limits - and OP has done a huge amount to try and help her friend already. At what point do you think that it would be OK for OP to be able to step back because she can't manage any more, or do you expect her to keep giving until she's got nothing left?

OP in your shoes I would send a text saying that you will be here in the background but that you can't support her decision. Then I would contact Social Services, because those children are at risk and your friend is not prioritising their safety and is clearly not thinking with their best interests in mind.

SmileEachDay · 26/12/2017 13:33

While your friend is selfishly carrying on her romance her poor children are suffering. Report them.

The dynamics of an abusive relationship are rather more complex than that.

It’s highly unlikely that the children would be immediately removed under these circumstances. A more common outcome (assuming the situation meets the threshold) would be that they would be put on a child protection plan - this means they would have an allocated social worker and regular meetings where targets are set for everyone involved- things like anger management courses, Freedom Program attendance etc are all frequently written into the plan.

This is good for the children but also good for your friend - professionals visiting regularly (sometimes arranged, sometimes unannounced) and supportive targets that help keep the children safe. It keeps her somewhat safer also.

Notreallyarsed · 26/12/2017 13:34

This is the perfect text, you’re not walking away from her, but you’re also making it clear that you do not and cannot support her decision. I also think you need to contact SS.

OhHolyFuck · 26/12/2017 13:36

Also see if she'll agree to IDVA (independent domestic violence advisors) support - Google IDVA and your area for contact details or call the national domestic violence helpline

Also, if any of the kids are under 5, ask the health visitor for support on 0808 2000 247

And agree let SS know

Then, for your own mental health, put a bit of distance in place

Oliversmumsarmy · 26/12/2017 13:38

So after only 1 day of not doing a lot. Having everything laid on. No bills to pay, no cooking, cleaning, working or getting kids to school on time he gives her a bit of chat and she is ready to trade her kids for a few words.

Has she actually thought of the consequences of her actions

OhHolyFuck · 26/12/2017 13:38

Sorry, put the number in the wrong place - the national domestic violence number is 0808 2000 247

SnowBallsAreHere · 26/12/2017 13:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

momjeansep · 26/12/2017 13:42

Report her to SS.
I don’t give a fuck if she is in danger as she willingly goes back but her DC don’t deserve it.

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