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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To no longer help domestic violence victim friend

105 replies

Dottie39 · 26/12/2017 12:36

Well obviously I am unreasonable as it's her life and ultimately she is the victim, but I am so cross right now.
After several instances of domestic violence my friend finally left her husband in September. He had hit her several times, raped her, and emotionally abused her for years. She confided in me last Christmas and over the last year I have tried to help her. I put her in touch with women's aid, I gave her a place to stay with her two sons when she first left, i spent months speaking to her daily and trying to advise. I was the only one who knew so I felt I had to be proactive in helping her. The final straw for her was when he hit her in front of the children. She left and came to mine. I took her to the police station, stayed with her. Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied. Her husband got supervised access. This Christmas they agreed to be together at hers, her mum was there too in case anything kicked off. I text her last night to check it went ok. I got this reply this morning "it was lovely, it was so nice all being a family again. Me and husband stayed up all night talking and he is so sorry and knows now what he has lost. We have decided to try again, please don't be cross Dottie, I can't help loving him and the boys are so happy"
I am so cross with her. Her son's won't be so happy when social services removes them. After everything, I am so disappointed, and really scared for her. I want to walk away but I know they might need me soon and it would be worse if she had nowhere to turn. I spent the last year helping her get out only for her to go back so easily. I haven't replied, I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
Foodylicious · 26/12/2017 20:57

OP, sure it does not seem like it now, but it hasn't all been for nothing.

She may have gone back for now, but she is a stronger person in there somewhere that knows she has other options.

You will have made such a positive difference to her children too, helping them see how other adults can be x

Paperdolly · 26/12/2017 21:11

I would say tell her you're still there if she needs you or if she feels the kids need you and then back off and get your energy back for when she asks for help again. She will.

Do something for YOU now to help regain YOUR strength.

It's best not to be a 'rescuer' but an 'enabler' of people. Rescuing breeds resentment as it leads to feelings of ' you owe me!' Enabling allows someone to grow by making their own mistakes and/or successes. You sound a marvelous friend. 👍🏻

BabsCabsIsLocal · 26/12/2017 23:18

GingerbreadMa once you know you cant un-know
You're not going to be able to flip back to chatting about what your respective DHs bought you for christmas and gush over his gift.

And if you ask her how her christmas went, she'll tell you! Punches and all, because you're already in the know
So how on earth do you flip back to casual friendship hmm?

There's plenty of things to talk about in life without talking about your relationship. Hmm
Yeh, it's a bit elephant in the room, but I've done it (and to some extent had it done to me). If you stick to repeating the same line about it being completely unacceptable and abusive but letting them know you're there when they are ready to leave, then they don't want to talk about the abuse because they don't want to hear your response! But they know who to call when it's time to leave....

Motoko · 27/12/2017 00:34

Of course he's been manipulative. He's told her how this year apart has shown him what a dick he'd been, and how much he'd lost. He'll have told her he would do anything for a second chance, to prove to her that he's changed, and then they can be a happy family again.

This will work because that's what she's been dreaming of. Even when he was living with her and being abusive, he would have had moments when he was nice, and she would have thought that if only he stopped the nastiness, they would be happy, because when he is nice, they're really good together. And he can be nice, it must be her that sets him off, if she only works out what the triggers are, she can avoid them and keep him sweet.

He will be lovely to start with, but once he feels secure with his feet under the table, the abuse will start up again.

WellThisIsShit · 27/12/2017 02:21

One day hasn’t erased a year on the road to freedom from the web an abuser spins around their victim.

Don’t think like that.

She has learnt lots, gained self confidence and probably the skills to see abuse both quicker and clearer.

She might seem to be looping back to the beginning. But she is not. It’s a long and winding road she’s on, not the motorway you’d hoped for.

You don’t know how this will pan out and are leaping to worst case scenarios, which is understandable but extreme in your disappointment and anger.

She may well believe the huff he’s fed her and Christmas is such an emotive and vulnerable time.

But it’s inevitable the shiny promises will turn into the usual abuse, and when that happens she may well react stronger and faster than before due to her development over this past year.

It may even be a moment of weakness when caught up in that Hollywood Christmas togetherness fairyland. And the scales may fall from her eyes by new year.

I’d make it clear that you cannot support her in going back to this man, but keep the anger and the black and white thinking to yourself. Aim for neutral and say she’ll be welcome when she can find her way out of the fog and misplaced hope. And then leave it for a while... and feel free to rant away from her!

But if you tell her / give her the impression that she’s failed and betrayed you/ herself/ dc etc, or that she’s ungrateful as everyone’s efforts mean nothing now etc... well, that kind of all or nothing thinking plays into her abusers hands, and also if she believes that she’s failed/ burnt all her bridges / can never return from this terrible mistake etc, then she has a million reasons to stop believing in herself, or the hope of a better life. If she believes she’s fucked it all up completely then in her head she has to stay as her support network will judge her and cut her off, so the only person she can turn to is the abusive partner.

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