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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To no longer help domestic violence victim friend

105 replies

Dottie39 · 26/12/2017 12:36

Well obviously I am unreasonable as it's her life and ultimately she is the victim, but I am so cross right now.
After several instances of domestic violence my friend finally left her husband in September. He had hit her several times, raped her, and emotionally abused her for years. She confided in me last Christmas and over the last year I have tried to help her. I put her in touch with women's aid, I gave her a place to stay with her two sons when she first left, i spent months speaking to her daily and trying to advise. I was the only one who knew so I felt I had to be proactive in helping her. The final straw for her was when he hit her in front of the children. She left and came to mine. I took her to the police station, stayed with her. Social services were involved but so long as the children were safe and the relationship over they were satisfied. Her husband got supervised access. This Christmas they agreed to be together at hers, her mum was there too in case anything kicked off. I text her last night to check it went ok. I got this reply this morning "it was lovely, it was so nice all being a family again. Me and husband stayed up all night talking and he is so sorry and knows now what he has lost. We have decided to try again, please don't be cross Dottie, I can't help loving him and the boys are so happy"
I am so cross with her. Her son's won't be so happy when social services removes them. After everything, I am so disappointed, and really scared for her. I want to walk away but I know they might need me soon and it would be worse if she had nowhere to turn. I spent the last year helping her get out only for her to go back so easily. I haven't replied, I just don't know what to say.

OP posts:
specialsubject · 26/12/2017 13:43

people never forget seeing dad hit mum.

Don't let her keep doing this to her kids - report. And then stay away.

PositivelyPERF · 26/12/2017 13:45

Having grown up in a similar household, I'm afraid I have no sympathy for her. I've also stayed in a violent relationship because I grew up knowing no difference, but left when he wanted kids as I knew I couldn't bring innocent children into a violent relationship. Her children have no choice.

As for betraying her, by reporting to social services, she doesn't deserve your loyalty, her children DO. I still rest the people that knew what was going on in my childhood, but did nothing and I'm 48 now.

Rossigigi · 26/12/2017 13:45

Just say 'that's your decision, I can not say I am happy, but I will be here when you need me'

PositivelyPERF · 26/12/2017 13:46

Resent not rest.

Badhairday1001 · 26/12/2017 13:48

Contact social services/ NSPCC to make them aware that she is back with him. I would just reply that if she decides to leave again you will be there for her but that you cannot be a part or support her in what she is now doing. Wish her good luck and reiterate that if she needs to leave him you will be there and then get on with your own life in the knowledge that you have done everything that you could to help her.

NeilPetark · 26/12/2017 13:49

You need to tell SS as they will be breaking the unsupervised contact by getting back together. It’s everyones responsibility to safeguard children.

Straycatblue · 26/12/2017 13:50

Please don’t abandon her. According to Women’s Aid, it can take a woman up to 5 attempts before she is finally able to break free for good. Your friend clings to what she believes are the good times, knowing in her heart they won’t last long. I agree to tell her you’ll always be there for her, then bow out for a while but don’t imagine that all is fantastic based on her text- it is just part of the abusers cycle. They have to be ‘nice’ some times, or their partners would leave much sooner.

This ^

As long as you are coping mentally then please tell her that you will be there for her and I say that because it can be exhausting and sometimes you do need to draw back and regroup and take some time apart from it for your own sanity.
However if you are throwing in the towel because she isnt behaving the way you want her to then that is a different matter, she is going to make the wrong choices, thats part of being trapped in an abusive cycle. You feel like you have wasted the last year helping her but please try to think of it as an investment in your friend, not as time you have wasted.

I would also say and its going to sound patronising but its truly not meant to be, that thinking she would leave for good when she left in Sept, is incredibly naive , most women return several times before they are strong enough to leave. It may take years before she leaves. You may go through this with her several times. She may not ever leave and very very sadly, he may well kill her if his violence continues to escalate.

I know that people who have not gone through domestic abuse do not understand and find it unfathomable that someone would keep putting themselves and their children through it, please get smart about it, take some time to read up on it , listen to survivors stories on youtube, to try to understand what happens to woman in this situation to make them go back.

The question about why woman go back has been asked and answered many times but many people prefer to not know the answer because its complicated and instead its easier to pour judgement on the woman for staying.

Part of the cycle is also the isolation that happens because friends drop them because they do not understand and get angry with them and this pushes them further into the abusers clutches.

Please understand that your friend cannot think clearly, that is a side effect of the abuse.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 13:51

There is absolutely no way the children will be removed on the basis of what OP has said, unless there is a lot more to it. I’m very surprised actually that he was given supervised access only to the children.

When a woman leaves an abusive relationship, no matter how bad it was, she might find immediately afterwards she has support but it’s a bit like a bereavement: time goes on and people forget and get bored and move on and away. In 2016 you might be the heroic tigress moving her cubs away from a violent and unpredictable man. In 2017 you are a single mum on benefits and lonely to boot. This might sound harsh: it isn’t meant to. It’s how it is. The abusive relationship you were encouraged to leave becomes something that with hindsight doesn’t seem that bad.

A lot of women end up in abusive relationships time and time again. Some go back to the abuser. Many don’t, but start new relationships with someone who is pretty much the same. We all have tendencies, bad habits, inclinations, and some people have a very strong ‘pull’ towards these relationships due to childhood abuse a lot of the time (not always sexual abuse but frequently is.)

I do always wonder about friends who like the OP are keen to ‘help.’ No adverse inference on anybody who does. My parents died; my friends are my world and I’ll pull out the stops for them but that’s because they are my friends, not because I expect obedience or subservience in response.

Because going back to an abusive relationship might seem when put baldly a selfish act, but it’s not, is it? Not when you consider our ‘typical’ abused woman has had her head fucked around with so much that she doesn’t know what’s right or what’s wrong any more. Think Jaycee Lee Dugard, who stayed with her captors for years - didn’t need chains or ropes to keep her there, they’d got inside her head. That’s what they do. Turning that into something that’s ‘me, me, me’ - I gave you help, I put you in touch with WA, I even went to the police and this is how you repay me - moves the abusive relationship to the back of the queue and puts the ‘helper’ in the role of victim rather than the person being hit or raped. It makes the true victim just a thing that exists to either make them feel good (‘oh well done, you left’) or bad (‘bad woman, you went back after all I did for you’) and while I think some frustration is normal, having those feelings persistently is a bit demanding in terms of making your feelings the most important thing in the whole equation.

It’s a bit like that post on MN sob stories: don’t give more than you can afford to lose. But even that isn’t so straightforward because if you make someone feel that their feelings aren’t important, reducing something that could indeed be very dangerous to something that makes you feel bad is questionable and silly.

In other words, we aren’t the moral gatekeepers of our friends. If they cross what we deem to be a line we have a choice to withdraw the friendship. This may be such an example for OP. But I think we have to be very careful of offering friendship conditional on certain expectations being met, particularly to women who have a history of abusive relationships.

brizzledrizzle · 26/12/2017 13:53

I'd call social,services and tell the school as they will keep an eye on the children and record anything suspicious, thus will help the boys as social services will engage with the school.

IrisAtwood · 26/12/2017 13:56

Please don’t abandon her. According to Women’s Aid, it can take a woman up to 5 attempts before she is finally able to break free for good. Your friend clings to what she believes are the good times, knowing in her heart they won’t last long. I agree to tell her you’ll always be there for her, then bow out for a while but don’t imagine that all is fantastic based on her text- it is just part of the abusers cycle. They have to be ‘nice’ some times, or their partners would leave much sooner.

^This.

Badhairday1001 · 26/12/2017 13:58

Reallytired17 I don't think that anybody is suggesting that the friend should blindly follow the person who has tried to help her.
For me I am less interested in the woman who has gone back, she is an adult, she has choices. My main concern if this was my friend would be the children. As somebody else pointed out safeguarding is everybody's responsibility and it needs to be reported to NSPCC or social services duty team urgently.

SukiTheDog · 26/12/2017 14:00

I grew up like this in the 70’s. There wasn’t much help then, for women with kids. We’d leave the situation and stay with an Auntie but my mum always went back. It was damaging and scary and I was so relieved at 18 when they finally called it a day.

As a teenager, I’d sleep with my sister, with a bloody great carving knife under the bed, as protection. There’s a part of me that will never forgive what my mum put us through by always going back.

OP, there’s nothing you can do. You’ve helped. You will be needed again in future. Don’t beat yourself up. Your friend needs to make her own mistakes.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 14:02

I absolutely agree that should be done, although I doubt much will come of it. OP however is convinced that ‘her sons won’t be happy when SS remove them’ and she is also ‘cross’ with her friend and ‘disappointed’ and ‘spent last year helping her and now.’ It’s all the language of a disapproving head shaking mother who’s wayward teen has stayed out too long.

If we want women to feel empowered, strong and capable, that’s not going to happen by talking to and about them as if they are naughty children.

NeilPetark · 26/12/2017 14:04

*supervised access I mean.

Gemini69 · 26/12/2017 14:05

He will be beating her again and soon.... because she has been living and thriving independently since September.. he will not like her newly found independence... and will knock it out of her to make her submissive again...

please report this Change in Circumstances to Social Work Services....

this is the most dangerous time of year for victims of Domestic Violence...

IrisAtwood · 26/12/2017 14:06

while I think some frustration is normal, having those feelings persistently is a bit demanding in terms of making your feelings the most important thing in the whole equation.

And this.

The best friends that I have had during my own previous abusive relationship were the ones who listened, offered advice when I asked for it but who did not judge me when I returned time and time again. They have also listened while I talk about how much I miss him.

Leaving an abuser is a process, not a single event. As someone up thread said, the abuser gets into your head. It is almost like your mind has been hijacked and it is hard to think straight about your feelings when you have been manipulated and gaslighted for years. It is also normal to remember the good times better than the abuse. It is a protective mechanism and means that people are not overwhelmed by trauma and distress.

PTSD occurs when the traumatised person cannot stop the memories of abuse and trauma from overwhelming them. Holding onto the good memories after an abusive relationship is similar I think. I keep a list of the abuse I suffered and when I start missing my ex and thinking about the good times I read it. This keeps me away from him.

Be gentle with your friend. She will need you.

NovemberWitch · 26/12/2017 14:07

RT, some of us work in close contact with the children in these dysfunctional relationships, and that often changes what we see as the priorities in a situation. Too many terrified, angry, bewildered children who are forced to live in emotionally, physically and sexually abusive situations because of the adults who control and own them.
Let the woman take as long as she wants, or never. Take the real victims out of the mess.

Winebottle · 26/12/2017 14:09

It reminds me of an experience with an addict. A saint would be there whenever she needs you but there is only so many times you can help someone out before you have to concentrate on yourself.

She is a grown woman who can make her own decisions so I wouldn't be angry at her but if she comes asking for help again in a few months, I wouldn't blame you for staying out of it.

Try to avoid getting emotionally invested in it. If you look at the "physical" help, it is not a huge deal. Letting her stay for a while and sparing a few hours of you time to help sort things out is not a big ask for a close friend. What makes it difficult is the emotional side. You have been through all the highs and the lows with her which is why it almost feels like a betrayal.

If she asks for anything again, I would probably do it but not try to get my hopes up. I'd let her stay but have in the back of my mind that she may well go back so I wouldn't be disappointed if it happened. Easier said than done, of course.

ILoveTheEU · 26/12/2017 14:09

You're allowed to put your own sanity, first.
I like TurnipCake's post (12:40pm).

I once sat in court (outside Uk) listening to a lot of hearings about restraining orders (stay-away-from conditions) in cases of DV. Lots of women wanted the restraining order lifted, tried to argue the guy had been nice recently so problems gone. The judge gently questioned every time, heard little evidence of consistent change over long period, and lifted almost no orders. A lot of the women were violating the orders, anyway.

Reallytired17 · 26/12/2017 14:10

But that isn’t within OPs jurisdiction. She can pass on the info to SS, but ultimately what they do with it is up to them.

But if we all shunned women in violent relationships because of the effect on the children, none of them would ever leave. You need support to leave a violent relationship. Someone may think they are being supportive, but if the support being offered is more that of disapproving parent than friend on an equal footing, they will withdraw from it, and I don’t blame them tbh.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 14:19

Op I understand where youre coming from and how it gets to a point of self preservation. The damage extends out of the direcr relationship but as the friend you cant do anything but wait for her to do something.

Eg. Ive phoned the police because my friend had locked herself in the bathroom following anal rape only to be accused of jealous prank calling etc...and stuck with her and waited. Feared for my own safety because he was a proper thug outside of home too, no street angel. And of course I was the bad guy who was turning her against him, so I was terrified of bumping into him on a quiet street.

She eventually did leave him for good. And it was after that that I "abandoned" her, because I realised that she was wired that way: to not feel loved unless it was "passionate" (i.e. possessive and abusive). So after she dumped a few non abusive guys and ended up with someone even worse than the abusive ex, I gave up.

There was a lot of broken wiring going on in that girl's head. She had been that way since childhood. I am not qualified to help
her and posters saying "just be there" like its no big drain on your own life are talking crap!

I was there, it made no difference. They did break up and she went out and actively saught another "passionate" relationship!

Lovebehindthefool · 26/12/2017 14:25

You have every right to walk away. I would send a message saying “I disagree with your decision and am afraid for you. If you ever need to leave again I will help but until then I will be backing off” or something like that. I don’t think I could cut all ties. And I would absolutely be phoning social services and informing them. Absolutely. We all have a duty of care to keep children safe and they can be caught in the cross fire.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 14:27

"Try to avoid getting emotionally invested in it. If you look at the "physical" help, it is not a huge deal. Letting her stay for a while and sparing a few hours of you time to help sort things out is not a big ask for a close friend."

The physical help is a massive drain, and terrifying! Police wouldnt drive up to an active DV situation house as a lone worker but you'll be berrated on MN if youre no longer willing to be on call 24/7 to do ecactly that.

Its never the victim that answers the door. 9/10 the victim denys all knowlegde of asking you to come

If she comes to your house you risk losing your tennancy due to late night shouting and banging on your door by the boyfriend.

It IS too much to do indefinitely.

wrenika · 26/12/2017 14:35

I'd contact social services and tell her good luck. She's a grown woman...if she's daft enough to walk herself back into the situation she's spent ages getting out of, there's only so much you can do. You can take a horse to water but you can't make it drink.

GingerbreadMa · 26/12/2017 14:35

"If you ever need to leave again I will help but until then I will be backing off”

So still on call for midnight phonecalls?

We know that women are most likely to be killed when they try to leave, so its no small ask to be the one standing in the way, driving the car or blockinv the door! You'll do it once, twice etc..but indefinitely??? Really? If its not just affecting her children but now scaring hers who see them playing happy families a week later? On your second warning for noiss disturbance from your LL.

All these posters talking like its a small ask...

The OP is allowed to draw a line and look after herself at some point, and is not the one responsible for anything that happens to her friend after she walks away. She HAS shown her friend that others dont find her DHs behaviour normal or acceptable and that people do care/listen, but it doesnt have to be the OP who does so forever more.