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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and presents

174 replies

RocknRolla · 25/12/2017 12:12

AIBU have come to MIL for Christmas dinner with DH and DD. DD is not DHs but he has been in her life for 4 years now since she was 1.
When it’s time for presents MIL comes out with 2 massive Santa sacks for BIL and SILs two children, the kids are 5 and 2, for my DD she brings out one present. Half an hour later nieces are still unwrapping there presents, while my DD only got a pair of pyjamas and that was it. DD is really upset now and asking why nana only got her pyjamas and her cousins got toys, clothes and chocolates. Have said to DH but he doesn’t want to say anything and ruin Christmas. So AIBU In wanting him to say something.

OP posts:
SunshineTheMonkey · 25/12/2017 22:23

I would have left.

No idea why you are still there tbh Thanks

Babipotjam · 25/12/2017 22:32

she wouldn't be going to her house again especially not for Christmas.

MissEliza · 25/12/2017 22:40

Omg Op your poor dd. You've got to say something. In fact you should repeat exactly what your dd has said tonight.

ZacharyQuack · 25/12/2017 22:43

Is SIL your DH's sister? If she is, perhaps it would be a good idea if they talked to MIL together. SIL can say that she thought it was unfair and her children were also asking why DD didn't get the same amount of presents.

Gemini69 · 25/12/2017 22:46

your MIL has not accepted your DD.. this is clear by her own actions... she cannot deny her own behaviour.. what your DD had to endure today was appalling.. and not one of you Adults said anything... that's really bad Xmas Hmm

lorelairoryemily · 26/12/2017 00:38

Your poor DD, that is a mean, nasty thing to do to a child. I wish for her sake that one of you had spoken up for her and told mil that she's a thundering cunt. Your DH sounds lovely as does SIL. Poor little girl, I hope she forgets about it

Mychristmasdinner · 26/12/2017 00:47

I agree with those posters saying this should have been dealt with today. Your dd has already been affected by it, hence her questions about whether she's been 'good'. How sad for her that the adults who should protect her and love her, were unable to show that to her yesterday, because they put their own feelings and those of an unkind, spiteful adult, above her need to feel secure and loved. Shame on all of you.

bettytaghetti · 26/12/2017 01:27

It sounds a little weird that in previous years your MIL has bought your DD more than just a pair of pj's. Is there any possibility that another present could have got lost in the midst of unwrapping everything else? Maybe tomorrow DH could just calmly tell MIL that all of you were disappointed in the way she seemed to differentiate between the 'grandbabies', as she put it, and did she mean to be quite so hurtful?

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/12/2017 01:47

No, I totally understand why your DH didn't want to tackle her today - it would have ruined Christmas for EvERYONE by the sound of it, and left your DD wondering what the hell had just happened, and was she the cause of the row?
Obvs your MIL doesn't see or believe that she's in any way in the wrong, so trying to point that out to her today would have caused a Scene, possibly with her crying and/or shouting, which would have, as I said, upset everyone there.
Far better to do what you did, and to ignore the horrible woman tonight, then tackle it tomorrow. I hope she has a hangover as well, just to add to her woes in the morning.

GrapesAreMyJam · 26/12/2017 05:52

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Cagliostro · 26/12/2017 06:00

So nasty :( glad your SIL is on your side too. Hope DD enjoys her play doh :)

Tinkie25 · 26/12/2017 06:40

Your poor Dad. Luckily the rest of the family sound amazing.

mumof2sarah · 26/12/2017 06:57

Can I just say how amazing your DH sounds, the love he has for you and DD sounds amazing ❤️ aperhaps the sleepover thing was something to do with SIL perhaps she waited for you to leave before mentioning it. I totally agree with ignoring the text and dealing with it on Boxing Day. You DD would have been more upset if it had turned into a row otherwise. I hope all 3 of you enjoy your shopping/family day today. Lots of extra loves for DD xx

showmewhatyougot · 26/12/2017 07:24

Poor little girl, what a horrible situation for her, but from what I've read she has some amazing people around her, her mummy & daddy sound amazing :)

Hope it does not hurt her too much, have a great day tomorrow xx

blueskyinmarch · 26/12/2017 07:33

What a horrible thing to do to a young child. Your MIL must have known how unfair it would look. I really hope your DH manages to call her out on her actions later today. Have fun with the play doh!

Jobjobjob · 26/12/2017 07:41

*Well what about the other two Nanas she has????

Those kids have their two Nanas and your kid now has THREE*

So fucking what!!! Doesn't give this spiteful woman the right to upset a child!! And. Not sure why you had to put THREE, and it's not the case anyway. So don't be so NASTY.

OP, your poor DD, hope she's ok.

Amatree · 26/12/2017 07:49

It does seem like you're putting far too much effort into not upsetting this nasty women when in fact your daughter needs to see you standing up for her. Who cares if she says you ruined her Christmas, she had already ruined your DDs and yours.

Westiegirl3 · 26/12/2017 08:08

What a nasty witch, I feel so sorry for your daughter being put in that situation. But you have an amazing H and her an amazing Daddy x

DamsonGin · 26/12/2017 08:09

I wonder too if your SIL had a word after you left and that prompted the sleepover text. Hope the conversation has an impact on your MIL today, since upsetting for all except her.

whyismykid · 26/12/2017 08:13

YANBU - That sucks! What if you and DH have a child together one day? - would the biological baby get lots of presents and his/her big sister get nothing from Nana?

ferntwist · 26/12/2017 08:38

You poor thing OP. I’m crying reading this thinking of your sweet little DD asking if she’d been naughty at Nana’s house. I hope you have a lovely day today and she can choose another treat for herself.

Deemail · 26/12/2017 08:49

Your poor dd, hope she enjoys her play dough today.
It's also odd that your mil would normally get more stuff for your dd when you're not spending Christmas with her and yesterday decided to do that.
It's almost like she was trying to prove some sort of point to someone that her "real" granddaughters get more. Is there anyone in the back ground who would have an issue with her treating all the kids the same who would've influenced her?
Not justifying her behaviour just wondering why she's changed from what she usually does.

Flippertyjibbetty · 26/12/2017 09:01

OP, that is dreadful behaviour and I can't believe someone would be so willing to hurt the feelings of an innocent child. Whether she is your DH's bio child doesn't matter a jot, he is bringing her up and is her father figure. His family should therefore treat her as a daughter/ grandaughter without exception. If there was a non-related guest coming I feel like people would make an effort to not have them feel excluded- we always managed to find spare gifts etc or leave the present opening til later so that they weren't left out.

It's putting you in a very difficult position to explain the disparity in gifts in a convincing and non- bs way.

Rainbowmother · 26/12/2017 09:03

How mean. I wouldn't give her the chance to hurt my daughter again. Playing favourites with kids, wow

FeistyColl · 26/12/2017 09:20

I have posted before on threads about step families and am of the opinion that it is unreasonable to expect extended step families to automatically accept and treat step children the same as biological family members.

But, that does NOT excuse your Mill's behaviour yesterday. It is even more upsetting as it appears she actually gave your dd less than previous Chistmases.

There are ways of handling differences without being hurtful to a child on Christmas day.