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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and presents

174 replies

RocknRolla · 25/12/2017 12:12

AIBU have come to MIL for Christmas dinner with DH and DD. DD is not DHs but he has been in her life for 4 years now since she was 1.
When it’s time for presents MIL comes out with 2 massive Santa sacks for BIL and SILs two children, the kids are 5 and 2, for my DD she brings out one present. Half an hour later nieces are still unwrapping there presents, while my DD only got a pair of pyjamas and that was it. DD is really upset now and asking why nana only got her pyjamas and her cousins got toys, clothes and chocolates. Have said to DH but he doesn’t want to say anything and ruin Christmas. So AIBU In wanting him to say something.

OP posts:
Olympiathequeen · 25/12/2017 13:40

That is appalling but you’re right not to spoil Christmas Day for everyone.

I too would leave early before an Xmas drink ruins your good intentions.
At a later date I would ask dh to speak to her about the unfairness.

SeaToSki · 25/12/2017 13:43

That is awful. Its like serving dinner to 2 kids and then just giving the third a bit of carrot. All children should be treated equally if they are at an event together.

Candyfloss1122 · 25/12/2017 13:44

What a terrible way to treat a little girl. Your mil should be shamed of herself!

TotemIcePole · 25/12/2017 13:47

Xmas Sad That is bloody horrible.

SnowKidsarehere · 25/12/2017 13:48

Disgusting behaviour. I would have left already.

SammySays · 25/12/2017 13:50

What a wicked woman she is. I’m so sorry for your little girl. Not sure what to say just that I am sorry you are not having a nice Christmas

Mxyzptlk · 25/12/2017 13:50

Hopefully your bro/sis in laws are also embarrassed enough to speak to mother in law.

I hope so too.
I'd be shocked in that situation but probably not know what to do right away.

LannieDuck · 25/12/2017 13:51

That's really hurtful. She's only 5 (?) and won't understand at all :(

If MIL wanted to buy them different presents, she shouldn't have made much such a song and dance about it while all three were together. It sounds like she was making a point at a 5 yo's expense. On xmas day.

I'm not sure I'd have had the chutzpah to walk out with DD there and then, but I hope I would have.

Angrybird345 · 25/12/2017 13:53

Your mil is a cow but your dh is a star for sticking up for you both. Go hone and enjoy!

jenm87 · 25/12/2017 13:53

sorry but i would say something!! i wouldnt keep quiet. my sister and brother in law have a gorgeous wee boy who isnt biologically theres, he calls them mum and dad my parents are gran and papa etc because he has been in my family since 6 weeks old, he gets the same as the others, my parents give him the exact same as her 5 other grandchildren get and he doesnt get treated any different, i would never treat any child any different and if anyone did i would speak up and say something, i wouldnt care if it was christmas or not

Lovemusic33 · 25/12/2017 13:54

Your poor dd, I would be tempted to leave, your dd must be upset and feeling left out?
I think I would have to say something.

Frouby · 25/12/2017 13:55

I am torn on this one.

My mum has 12 grandchildren and 3 step g.children. She always buys the 3 step g.children a gift but spends less on them.

My dd isn't biologically dps. She gets money every year from her paternal gran but she doesn't send money for my ds. And I don't even give it a second thought.

We have been very low contact with dps father over the last couple of years. We went yesterday and he gave both children cards with money in them. I didn't see dds money at first. And thought he hadn't given her any. And was ready to explain to dd that she had a card at home with money from her gran that ds didn't get. And I wasn't upset by it.

Does she see her father? Does she understand that her 'nana' is a step nana? Because she needs to understand that.

I would let it go and don't spoil Christmas. It's better for children to get fewer presents in general I think. I have halved the present pile this year for my 2 and they were less overwhelmed with 'stuff' this morning and have played happily with what they have had rather than going from 1 present to another.

I knoe it's very hurtful when you feel as though your children have been hurt but it's not worth ruining your day over. Or anyone elses.

Lovemusic33 · 25/12/2017 13:57

Frouby I can see how that can happen and it’s hard if they have many to buy for but the fact OP’s dd was going over for Christmas she should have received the same as the others or at least a couple more small gifts, she’s only 5 so it wouldn’t have had to been anything too expensive, giving her just one gift whilst the others got a sack full is just mean.

Rossigigi · 25/12/2017 14:02

I think this is a difficult one. My boys have different dads. They both individually get loads of their bio nan, and one gift off their step nan.
I've never seen it as a problem because it equals out anyway and they get the same amount.
Likewise my youngest will get double the amount at our house to my eldest, because he then has another load with his dad- so again they do end up with equal.

I know it is unfair on your daughter, and I can only imagine how the poor kid felt. I think you need to have a quiet word with MIL and don't be accusing but say your dd was very upset, and in future could she let you know that it would be like this, and you will bring some extra presents over for your dd to open at the same time.

LagunaBubbles · 25/12/2017 14:05

DH is raging as well but doesn’t want to upset anyone on Christmas Day

Does your DD not count then as "upsetting anyone"?

Original poster
RocknRolla · 25/12/2017 14:09

DD biological father passed before she was born and she doesn’t see any of his family as both his mum and dad had passed away, so this is the only family she has ever known. She does know that they aren’t her biological family but DH has always treated her as his own. When she asked questions recently DH said he choose her to be his daughter and how some people choose their families he made a big deal about how special she was and it feels like MIL has just ruined it all. SIL is raging about it and has been making her Daughter share so the two of them have been sitting building Lego and eating her chocolate together. Now I am over the initial anger at least I know what she is like and she has shown herself for who She really is. DH has said that he will phone her tomorrow once everyone is away and tell her how upset we all are by it.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 25/12/2017 14:16

I like your SIL Smile

ittakes2 · 25/12/2017 14:20

That’s shocking and nasty - and your husband needs to speak up about his expectations. If he considers himself your daughter’s father than his parents should be expected to treat her as their granddaughter. What if she was an adopted child? Would they still treat her this way because she is not biologically theirs? If it was me, I would be leaving early. I’m sorry but it seems they have not accepted you and your daughter into their family. So why waste anymore time and energy on them.

PositivelyPERF · 25/12/2017 14:22

Nasty bastard. Your poor little girl, but at least she has her mummy and 'daddy' to stick up for her. I really hope you don't let her manipulate you into staying. Just tell her that you want to take your little girl home to play with her presents, as she has nothing at the NOT Nanna's house. If you normally address your mil as mum, then start calling her by her name, instead, or Mrs bastard.

I had a young friend of my middle boy, come to live with us when he was 16yrs old, who stayed for four years. He has always been treated as family and will be here for Xmas.

DartmoorDoughnut · 25/12/2017 14:25

At least everyone else in the family sounds lovely!

Tistheseason17 · 25/12/2017 14:27

I love your SIL - she is freaking awesome!!!

xxxyyyxxx · 25/12/2017 14:32

Either she is very very stupid or she really doesn't like your dh.

Surely she realises that this wouldn't go down well and the result would be that she won't be seeing her son on Christmas Day ever again.

Judging by the update it seems others have clicked her really shitty behaviour.

Originalfoogirl · 25/12/2017 14:32

That’s bloody shocking. I’d pack us all up and leave. Shitty way to treat a 5 year old and worse that her dad cares more about him mums feelings than those of a 5 year old.

PennyMise · 25/12/2017 14:35

Your SIL is lovely. Your DH should definitely let his mother know that what she's done is hurtful. If he treats your daughter like his own, so should his parents. Hugs Flowers

Notevilstepmother · 25/12/2017 14:41

So pleased your SIL and nieces are nicer xxx. My parents always get presents for DSD, although she has many grandparents and step grandparents in various combinations.