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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL and presents

174 replies

RocknRolla · 25/12/2017 12:12

AIBU have come to MIL for Christmas dinner with DH and DD. DD is not DHs but he has been in her life for 4 years now since she was 1.
When it’s time for presents MIL comes out with 2 massive Santa sacks for BIL and SILs two children, the kids are 5 and 2, for my DD she brings out one present. Half an hour later nieces are still unwrapping there presents, while my DD only got a pair of pyjamas and that was it. DD is really upset now and asking why nana only got her pyjamas and her cousins got toys, clothes and chocolates. Have said to DH but he doesn’t want to say anything and ruin Christmas. So AIBU In wanting him to say something.

OP posts:
stitchglitched · 25/12/2017 14:41

How awful of her. Your DH is your daughter's Daddy and she is being so disrespectful to their relationship as well as very cruel to a young child. I was raised with a stepparent and my (step) grandparents never differentiated between biological and non biological grandchildren. My sister's stepson is treated the same as all the other nephews/ grandsons too. I wouldn't be spending time with her in the future tbh, why should you when she has made her feelings clear.

user7680 · 25/12/2017 14:42

Wow that’s what my stepmom used to do to me I can relate.its awful!! I wouldn’t go again at Xmas if I were you

xxxyyyxxx · 25/12/2017 14:45

That’s bloody shocking. I’d pack us all up and leave. Shitty way to treat a 5 year old and worse that her dad cares more about him mums feelings than those of a 5 year old

This

WhatHappensInVagas411 · 25/12/2017 14:46

Fuck phoning her tomorrow, I'd be leaving NOW. What a cow. Fuck 'upsetting anyone on Christmas, your DD has already been hurt...

You and your DH both need to grow a pair of spines...

FitBitFanClub · 25/12/2017 14:48

So, his mother, who caused the situation, is not allowed to be upset on Christmas Day? And you and your daughter, the victims of the slight, must suck it up?
Okay.

IfYouDontImagineNothingHappens · 25/12/2017 14:49

Stick up for your child and go home. Grab a take-away for food.

Maybe bring SIL to yours.

I've been on the receiving end of this shit as a step-child and it's so so hurtful, still remember it as an adult. I took my sibling who was also there away from the other children opening gifts. My parent apologised later but didn't say a word at the time. Awful.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 25/12/2017 14:49

What does she normally buy DD?

pictish · 25/12/2017 14:53

Yes on the face of it, it seems unkind and rather cold. I'm not sure it was a conscious slight intended to send a message though...I wonder if it was thoughtlessness as much as everything else. I'm not saying I condone what she did...I don't, it was as crass as hell...but I think if you were to confront her about this, she'd look at you like you'd lost your mind. She probably assumes that you and dh will know and accept that she doesn't love your dd as much as her biological grandchildren and that a gesture is therefore sufficient...kind of her, even.

Leave it to your dh to communicate and get him to make it along the lines of it being confusing for your dd to watch her two step cousins being handed sacks of gifts while she only got one. He can tell her that he accepts that she will care for the other grandchildren more deeply but that at 4, your dd isn't aware of the discrepancy and needn't be educated about it in such a blatant way on Christmas Day.

ChickenMom · 25/12/2017 14:53

Wow just wow...do not encourage your DD to call her nana. She obviously doesn’t see herself as that. Call her by her real name from now on. No lovely terms. That’s just awful. Even if I had friends kids here opening gifts I’d get them more than that to make sure they didn’t feel left out! I think that’s really disgusting to be honest. She’s got the pleasure of your DD on xmas day and she’s done that! I’d leave now and never go back! Couldn’t be in the same room as that woman! Talk about ruin xmas for DD.

wheresthel1ght · 25/12/2017 14:55

Your mil behaviour has made be cross but your sil's kindness has made me blub.

Your poor dd. Give her lots of hugs from us all!

I have dd (4) and then dss (14) and dsd (12) my parents spend about the same on each child and my dscs were 7 & 9 when my parents first met them. They might spend a bit more on dd but it's never noticeable.

Thank god your dh and sil have her back with you! Although I would be taking mil to one side today and raising it. See ought to be ashamed

PurpleCrazyHorse · 25/12/2017 14:58

I can see why some people might choose to buy different gifts for step and biological children, but to do that when all children are present so the the disparity is obvious, is really mean.

Hoping you have a nice lunch though and a lovely evening at home. Good to know your MIL's true colours now while DD is so little. Best to avoid in future sadly. However your SIL sounds amazing (as are her kids for sharing their gifts)

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/12/2017 14:59

Oh I'm so glad your SIL has taken steps to redress the balance, how lovely of her! I take it she's married to your DH's brother, or is she actually his sister?

That was a rotten trick your MIL played there, I'm pretty disgusted with her myself. Who thinks that's ok to do to a 5yo?! Especially since she is the only grandmother-figure in the child's life! Awful, awful behaviour. :(

I hope your DH really does tell her exactly what he thinks of her behaviour, because otherwise she'll do it again. :(

Your SIL, on the other hand - top woman. x

ChickenMom · 25/12/2017 15:00

I’ve just read that your DDs biological father passed away and her biological nana and grandad. That makes this all even worse. Your mil is all she’s got then. Just because she’s not “biological” granddaughter you are married to her son and that makes her an adopted granddaughter - she should be treated exactly the same as the others. No excuses. What would happen if you had kids together? Would she bring out a sack of presents for one child and not the other? Bloody hell. It’s absolutely disgusting. Never do xmas at here again. Tell your DH you want to leave now. I’d rather eat toast than put up with that. Your sil is lovely. Give her a hug from us at mumsnet. xxx

ChickenMom · 25/12/2017 15:02

Next year invite all of the to yours for xmas lunch and leave her out and do not buy her anything for xmas or birthdays but buy all the rest of her family lovely things. See how she likes it, the mean cow

wanderlust99 · 25/12/2017 15:03

So horrible OP, your dp really needs to thrash this out with her. Lovely that your SIL is horrified and wants to share.

ChasedByBees · 25/12/2017 15:05

I'm sorry she was so thoughtless OP, you can make it up to her tomorrow though.

RaeSkywalker · 25/12/2017 15:06

What an awful way to treat a child. Your SIL sounds lovely though Flowers

SparklyUnicornTractors · 25/12/2017 15:19

Ok her choice on what to buy for whom, but if she really felt she had to buy so differently why the hell didn't she give SiL's kids their gifts at another time and place? Who is so thoughtless or unkind that they do this in the face of an innocent five year old child on Christmas day?

Your SiL sounds great and as if she has been really embarrassed by her mother's behaviour. Poor little dd, she didn't ask to be in this situation and can have no understanding of the politics, just the rejection. I'd be steaming for her. And yes yes yes to thinking seriously about how you address this before you and dh have more children, she cannot treat siblings differently in front of each other. It would do awful things to their relationship.

Gemini69 · 25/12/2017 15:20

this wasn't 'thoughtlessness' Xmas Hmm

it was downright nastiness ... and no bloody need atall for it ...

misscheery · 25/12/2017 15:24

OP, I wish I could give your DD something lovely! She sounds a lovely, well educated little miss! Your MIL is a fucking cow and DP should fucking tell her. Your SIL sounds lovely!

misscheery · 25/12/2017 15:25

Sounds like a lovely^

Lizzie48 · 25/12/2017 15:25

I'm shocked, that's really awful. Especially as your DD doesn't have any of her biological family anymore. Your DH really is her daddy and his mum should respect that. Your MIL is so insensitive.

Your SIL is lovely though. Smile

Trb17 · 25/12/2017 15:34

My MIL did this last year. Not to us but to her other DGC. Bought an £8 gift for her older DGS ... then handed out £300 worth of stuff to the other two younger DGC. All her biological DGC but she hates her own DD (Mum of the older DGS) and so took it out on him.

Disgusting vile woman and we are now NC with her and her toxic ways.

pictish · 25/12/2017 15:37

"it was downright nastiness ... and no bloody need atall for it ..."

Obviously you know her personally and well. My mistake.

Gemini69 · 25/12/2017 15:41
Xmas Grin