To be underwhelmed with gifts

[VladimirPouting]

Just that really. I’m not grabby, I just though after 12 yrs DH would’ve got better at presents by now. I’ve bought everything for DS, him, his family, my family, his work secret Santa etc. I am literally the only one to buy for.

Hat, scarf and gloves set
PJ’s that are too small
Fluffy socks (I do ask for them every year!)
Chocolate
Some Jam
A candle (that he found in the cupboard and is regifted to me again)

Please can you share your underwhelming presents and make me feel better?

(I had asked for pjs and a sparkly phone case)

My DH is rubbish at gifts but I don’t really care. We joke about it. This year I got a candle from DS, a candle from DD (both bought with him) and a pair of ‘interesting’ earrings. Last year my DD (all by herself) gave me an old jam jar full of pieces of paper with the reasons she loves me (she was 8), it made me cry. My birthday is a few days later and DH copied the idea, but the reasons included ‘you put the bins out’, ‘you always buy crisps with a round’ and ‘the kids always eat your food in restaurants not mine’ I found it funny! Relations (on his side) have over the years given me: Bunch of carnations with a bottle of Blue Nun!, cotton embroidered nightdress a la Miss Haversham (I’m more Primark pjs) and my favourite Avon intimate feminine body wash......

Two pots of moisturiser (which I did need) and a calendar..

I have suggested to buy bits throughout the year/in sale as money is tight. I find it better to do the former myself.

That should read ‘and my favourite: Avon intimate feminine body wash’.
Not that I have a favourite type . Grammar is important.....

We have an amazon wish list. You can link any webpage to it - so if you prefer to buy independent, you can find the item on your local shop page and link it to your amazon wish list.
Have a range of items of different prices. Make it clear he only buys something from the list. You’ll never get anything you didn’t want again.

Mine surpassed himself this year, I asked for a scratchcard, just so I had something to open/look forward too on the day. Come CHRISTMAS morning I give him a new pair of Crocs and ask him where he has hidden the scratch card for him to say ' oh sorry love I forgot" I cannot repeat what I actually said and where I threatened to put the crocs. He couldn't understand why I was soooooo upset. 😪😪😪😪😪

Op please don't name change. You can call yourself what you like. It's only a bloody internet forum not real life! I think some posters need to get a life 🤔 (not you op 😁)

I don't get grown adults buying each other Christmas presents especially if they have had to ask for it in the first place?! Please enlighten me as to what the point of this is....
We buy things that we need/like throughout the year and don't then go and buy any extra crap just because it's Christmas. Of course we buy presents for the children but spending time as a family is the most important thing.
I physically feel sick seeing all of the consumerism and split people at this time of year when people are starving in this world. So in a nutshell, yes YABU and there are more important issues about.

I wanted a specific thing related to my hobby - I asked DH and he said he'd get it for me. Mentioned how it would be useful last week and got totally blank look - he'd forgotten all about it and no more in stock for a few months. He bought me a gift set of skincare stuff from M&S - I have v sensitive skin and only use a Clinique one. A flowery china mug - I have loads of Emma bridgewater ones. He did buy gin so that's ok. I'm used to the fact that I think about these things and get presents as and when inspiration strikes. Or at least buy something I've been asked for. He dashes into town last minute and buys some random stuff.

I was a tiny bit disappointed with mine but I can't see the point in making a big deal of it. DH's present to me was that he got us tickets to a festival next year - a nice present, but he "didn't have time" to get anything else so I didn't have anything to actually unwrap from him. I know it doesn't matter much but I do quite enjoy having a few small surprise presents to unwrap. I should add that our marriage is generally very happy and it's definitely not a sign of anything being wrong, he's just not particularly interested in the fun of giving - and I spent even less on him, but at least he had something to unwrap.

No stresses here either, we don’t do gifts. It’s great. But then, he surprises me with little gifts and trips, all year round.

I used to get similar presents to you op a scarf more or less exactly the same as one I already own, some socks and maybe a mug from with Mum on he’d bought from the kids and a bra (I have big boobs so they are expensive) but usually in an impractical black or navy with too much scratchy fake lace. Which I have the embarrassment of returning.
I now buy my own which is a drag in some ways as no surprises but no disappointments either. I also buy for DH’s family and our kids single handedly. But I work part time where as he does 12-13 hour days with his travelling time.
You can’t have it all ways I think either do as I do and buy your own, agree on no gifts for each other and have a weekend away on your own if you have family support (which we don’t), or tell him now and his relatives that he will be buying all presents from your family next Christmas and he can get yours whilst he is at it. But I would give him a list. Most other women I know who receive nice, thoughtful romantic gifts have usually basically picked them out themselves when you ask and get to the nitty gritty.

Hand cream and a toaster

I'm a grown adult. At this time of year the other half treats me to things I want that I can't justify buying myself. This year it was a handbag and a bottle of Chanel perfume- both picked out by me, in person. It's a treat for a grown-ass woman who never really got treats growing up because there was never any money and I love it. Couldn't care less if it's childish, I didn't actually get much childhood the first time around.

six teaspoons wrapped up nice

I bought DH tickets for 2 nights out at local theatre, pants, socks, a book and some fun bits and pieces
He got me vouchers for local beautician (best bit), cream and top from Aldi (the latter I paid for) and something a friend of his made which when we saw it originally I said I didn't want.
DH is v fussy and almost impossible to please. I think we would be better off buying our own presents but I find it depressing...

DH can be brilliant or awful. I tend to avoid disappointment now by specifying one thing I really want and sending links to where it can be purchased. It’s not lack of care, he’s just Last Minute Larry unless prompted. I also have got the wrong thing for him too- size /style. So now I say I’m buying you x with y budget. Please come and choose the one you like. Also works well.

I should add I work long days, DH stays at home, I do all the Xmas shopping and write all the cards. I feel sad for our kids as I do my best to make Xmas fun but it ends up stressful as DH goes OTT with the cooking and usually ends up shouting at everyone... this year was no different. It's just crap :-(

Tell partner you don't want gift for house.....you ate not a house. Tell partner you want thoughtful romantic gift that will show you how much he loves you. If all else fails send him your wish list full of wonderful thoughtful gifts and tell him to choose you something appropriate.

I had lovely presents I really did, and I know I was lucky, however there appeared to be a theme:-

chocolate, prosecco, book, Karen Millen top, Jo Malone gift set, chocolate, prosecco, Karen Millen top, Jo Malone gift set, chocolate, prosecco, slippers, pj's, bath set, chocolate, prosecco, bath set, chocolate, prosecco, diary, chocolate, prosecco, Victoria secret bath set, chocolate, prosecco, Victoria secret bath set, chocolate, prosecco, mug, chocolate, prosecco, Buck's Fizz!!

I'm on copious amounts of medication so can't drink, and am trying to loose 3st I put on this year because of medication. But I love all my gifts in between. And I love the thought behind them.

starlight13 I agree with you re: adults and gifts. I find adults (paticularly mothers!) expectations of others (basically ther husbands, family and other mothers..) pretty horrific as a rule. The most I 'expect' from another adult is to be respected as an individual (which encompasses don't physically or mentally abuse others...and take responsibility for your own actions...while not saying what ayone else ought to do!). I am thrilled to have a lover that hates shopping as much as I do, and who understands that love and respect really are not shown in material offerings. My ex, however, used to think really hard about what to buy to 'make me happy' (I was already happy, presents don't make me happy...) and would buy stuff I didn't want or need, and then throw a tantrum if I didn't wear the e.g. skimpy babydoll glittery negligee that was 4 sizes too small. In fact, surely having any expectations of a 'gift' from another is entirely unreasonable? It is not what the idea of a gift is.

I got a toilet brush head for my birthday from my husband I kid you not

Luckily DH and I feel the same about presents, we’re genuinely not that bothered. I would rather people not spend much on me. As long as I have one thing I really want from OH to open on Christmas I’m happy and so is he. It’s literally a token - to represent the gifts that Jesus was given. And I don’t even believe in God! I just respect the tradition and hate the modern consumerism and overconsumption. Seems obscene to me, and the disappointment and reading into the reason behind being given a certain item seems to cause so much upset.

This year I asked DH for a phone case or a specific book. He got me both plus a bottle of fizz and some chocs. More than enough. If I want (need, I mean) something enough I buy it for myself theough the year when I actually need it. I.e. I don’t need a new pair of slippers half way through the winter, I need them at the beginning of November when the weather starts to turns cold. Same with a scarf and gloves etc.

My mouth is agog when people I know list what their other half bought them for Christmas and I totally get that it’s their life, their money, their choice, but it just doesn’t seem to give them long-term happiness. It’s just a momentary “oh look at my little pile of expensive presents, look what my man bought me, aren’t I lucky?” type of feeling and then a few weeks later they are bemoaning the fact they’re skint and can’t afford a night out for a few months. Not to mention slagging off their OH for being a lazy twat.

Not for me, all of that.

Why not suggest next year you gift shop together online. He can pick things he likes and you can show him THE ACTUAL BLOODY WEBSITE your gift could come from. 12 years is a long time and resentment festers in a relationship that is felt to be unequal.
Alternatively be honest- say ' you are a wonderful man and I love you...but you are shocking at gifts...lets book tickets for something we'd both enjoy instead ". I'm not saying tolerate the current issue that grinds your gears- nor make it simple for a grown man to step up. Just that if you've let it go for 12 years and said nothing...he will most likely genuinely think there is nothing wrong! Start to educate/ lead/guide /teach him towards the behaviour you want. If it is important to you to get a card and a gift that reflects the love and effort you make for him...it should be important to him too ..but you will have to show him the way.
A mushy verse or a spontaneous gift always made me feel valued..but hubby could never see the point of a folded bit of card and a few flowers..I knew he loved me..right? 'Stuff' wasnt important. If you are coming to this from opposite view points there has to be clarity in your mutual target...and room for growth..for both expectations to be managed and a structured support programme to ensure the goal is acheived. Sorry if that seems project manager speak or clinical in approach. If your child came to you in tears and frustrated by a task they struggled with...you would gently guide them to success. Adults need that same compassionate support too sometimes. Without being part of helping him change you will get the same regifted candle next year...