Aibu to next longer want to get married and to want the kids to have my name

[thiskittenbarks]

DP and me have been together 7 years. Known each other for almost 20 years. still no proposal. When we had been together a year he asked what type of engagement ring I'd like and I showed him some. We had no money then so I knew it wasn't really an option. But that was 6 years ago. When we decided to have a baby I said I'd only give baby his last name if we were going to get married. His response was that of course we were going to get married. We named baby his name and waited patiently for a proposal. Then I got less patient and we spoke about it and I was pretty upfront about how I felt - he's said we'd get married and I couldn't for the life of me understand what the fuck was taking him so long. We have a good amount of disposable income and he has significant savings that he keeps separate from our savings (I had presumed for a ring). I've said on numerous occasions I would be happy with a very inexpensive ring. I have showed him several rings that I like. DS is now 14 months and I'm am pregnant again. I know 3 couples who have got engaged within the last month who have known each other less time than we have had our DS. We have been on a few lovely holidays and each time I am sure he will do it and of course nothing. It was our anniversary last month and I was sure he was going to do it then. Since then I have just been absolutely furious with him.
I want to be with him. He's a wonderful person, and an amazing dad and partner. But I just do not want to get married or engaged to him anymore. I have so much anger and resentment about the issue that if he ever did propose I'd know I'd just tell him to fuck off. On our wedding day I'd just feel bitter.
Ambu in telling him I want the babies to have my name (or both our names) and that I no longer want to get married?

Does it matter whether you want to or not anymore? It's not like he has any intention of marrying you either way.

Thread title makes no sense - should be no longer want to get married!

Not unreasonable at all, I would suggest a paper wedding so you have some rights though. If you split who owns the house etc.

You said you wouldn't name baby after him unless married ,did it anyways.

Still not married, yet another baby.

Why would he bother spending his savings on a ring or a wedding when your doing everything he wants anyways.

Clearly he just doesn't want to marry you. Sorry to be blunt.

How exactly would that be a punishment? He doesn't want to get married, so surely he'd just be relieved?

But yes, the children should have your surname. If you split up you'll probably be the main carer.

YANBU. Stand up for yourself. He’s not being straight with you - unless he’s going to propose tomorrow??

Ambu in telling him I want the babies to have my name (or both our names) and that I no longer want to get married?

Are you sure you still want to be with him?

And telling him you no longer want to marry him would probably not be the body blow you imagine.

He’s quite happy to have kids with you but doesn’t want to marry you.

I'm not trying to punish him. I am just so fed up of feeling upset about it or expecting it to happen that a line needs to be drawn under it because it's really affecting my emotional health.

You do need to draw a line under it because he clearly doesn’t want to marry you. If he did want to he’d have asked you.

Maybe you should draw a line under the relationship as your on totally different pages?

He wants to keep all his assets for himself.

I wouldn’t stay with him unmarried. Leaving would show each of you if you want to be married. (You’ll probably decide no, and he’ll decide yes!)

Sounds like he wants to hold onto his assets to me as well.

Agree with the others. Why would he get married? He's got everything the way he wants it. Remove his excuses. Tell him you don't want a ring, you want to get married. Google the difference between cohabiting and marriage. You'll find there are a lot of legal conditions that marriage provides. It's not just about a wedding. But i don't think id want to marry someone who dicked around like he has. Bit late now cos you've had dc so it's a bit like bolting the stable door.

You have been together 7 years, live together, have had a baby and another on the way, but you can’t have a grown up conversation about getting married? You being bitter and disappointment is of your own making as well as his.

Stop waiting around for a cliche contrived romantic proposal and take control, have the conversation and agree if, when and how you are getting married, if either of you don’t want to get married, have a big wedding, etc their feelings are as valid as the one who does. Talk it through, what’s important a wedding or a marriage. You could get married within a few weeks at a private registry office ceremony for example.

If you decide together that you are not getting married then insist you speak to a solicitor in the new year to discuss how you will legally both be protected in the event of a separation, illness, death, or spousal pensions etc. (Getting quietly married is probably cheaper)

But i don't think id want to marry someone who dicked around like he has

Nor would I.

But if I’d already had 2 kids to some dick who liked to tease me with talk of a ring that never materialised, I’d want some stability and recompense in the event of a split.

Why don’t you propose?

I never understand why anyone would have a child with someone, when being married is so important to them. I totally understand why a proposal and a wedding can be important for someone (they were for me), but why going to the next step then? If a man is not ready to commit to at least try a lifetime commitment, why having a baby?

From his point of view why should he marry you. There is nothing in it for him. This trend for having a family set-up without marriage is totally detrimental for women. IMHO. Don't know what you should do now with another baby on the way. I'd hold him in complete contempt and tell him he's utterly unsupportive and useless and who would want to marry such a loser. Sorry but I'd be furious.

You both could decide to have a baby together but couldn't decide to get married?

I'm not trying to punish him. I am just so fed up of feeling upset about it or expecting it to happen that a line needs to be drawn under it because it's really affecting my emotional health

Have you asked him?

Give this child your name. Unmarried, you're the only one who gets to choose.

This trend for having a family set-up without marriage is totally detrimental for women.

I’m beginning to agree with this.

I wouldn’t go as far as to say that women shouldn’t have sex with men before marriage (obv you want to check out whether they know what they’re doing) but I’m beginning to see the argument for it.

Something I never thought I’d say.

We have had "grown up" conversations about getting married for years - he always talked about it like of course we would, it was just a matter of time. We even started saving for the wedding and looking at venues. I was delighted to start a family with him as I had been in an incredibly happy relationship with him for 5/6 years at the time and it seemed obvious that we would get married. Now that it's been 2 years since we decided to start a family, it's obviously feeling a bit different.

How very disappointing for you. But ultimatums only work if you don't cave in before the deal is done. Hope you have seperate finances and legal clarity on home ownership.

You shot yourself in the foot.

He already has the kids with his last name. Why bother marrying you now?

I cannot fathom why if you feel so strongly about getting married you wouldn’t sort that first before giving him kids.

If a man is not ready to commit to at least try a lifetime commitment, why having a baby?

I think having a child together is a lifetime commmitment. You can get divorced but you’ll always be parents.

He has clearly got used to the idea of protecting his assets. You need to tell him that you and his children will no longer be risking your financial security and will be drawing up a legal agreement to secure support for all of you. This will include a quick trip to a registry office to make it legally binding but he shouldn’t feel obliged to exchange token pieces of jewellery for the sake of it.