Aibu to next longer want to get married and to want the kids to have my name

[thiskittenbarks]

DP and me have been together 7 years. Known each other for almost 20 years. still no proposal. When we had been together a year he asked what type of engagement ring I'd like and I showed him some. We had no money then so I knew it wasn't really an option. But that was 6 years ago. When we decided to have a baby I said I'd only give baby his last name if we were going to get married. His response was that of course we were going to get married. We named baby his name and waited patiently for a proposal. Then I got less patient and we spoke about it and I was pretty upfront about how I felt - he's said we'd get married and I couldn't for the life of me understand what the fuck was taking him so long. We have a good amount of disposable income and he has significant savings that he keeps separate from our savings (I had presumed for a ring). I've said on numerous occasions I would be happy with a very inexpensive ring. I have showed him several rings that I like. DS is now 14 months and I'm am pregnant again. I know 3 couples who have got engaged within the last month who have known each other less time than we have had our DS. We have been on a few lovely holidays and each time I am sure he will do it and of course nothing. It was our anniversary last month and I was sure he was going to do it then. Since then I have just been absolutely furious with him.
I want to be with him. He's a wonderful person, and an amazing dad and partner. But I just do not want to get married or engaged to him anymore. I have so much anger and resentment about the issue that if he ever did propose I'd know I'd just tell him to fuck off. On our wedding day I'd just feel bitter.
Ambu in telling him I want the babies to have my name (or both our names) and that I no longer want to get married?

I have no words of wisdom except to say that the people you think are living perfect lives, with perfect proposals and gorgeous weddings probably have their own layer of shit underneath that veil of perfection.
If he is your man, he's your man. There are plenty of other aspects of your life you can be perfect at. It's just one day.

Marriage is everything. The guy is a loser if he knows you want to be married and has turned a blind eye for years.

I never understand why anyone would have a child with someone, when being married is so important to them

^ This. Talking about marriage, is not the same as marriage.

The sooner women stop having babies without the commitment of marriage....when that's what you want..the better.

YANBU

I never understand why anyone would have a child with someone, when being married is so important to them

Quite simply because unlike men, women have an ever narrowing window of opportunity if they want to have biological children. If an apparent sincere 'promise' of marriage is on the cards and you're heading to your late 30s then unlike a marriage which can be pretty much done whenever, conceiving needs to be acted upon toute suite.

Whenever I speak to him about it he says he wants to do it properly and propose etc.

Not the whole "I want to do it properly" schtick again... Tell him the whole romantic surprise proposal-ship sailed after you bought a place and started a family together. Making a lifelong commitment to the mother of your children, with whom you have already shared seven years of your life with is hardly a big or unexpected romantic gesture, is it? If he seriously expects you to sit and wait patiently until he sees fit to grant you the big 'prize' (i.e. himself), which is long overdue, he needs a reality check. Is he really expecting to go down on one knee and for you to act all surprised and call everyone you know and tell them the big news that your partner of seven years and the father of your children has finally decided to commit? Such bullshit.

Do you think the idea of the presumed cost is putting him off? You said a ring was unaffordable (but a baby was?) so I assume you are expecting a high cost ring? Maybe he doesn't want to do a 'big' wedding?

YANBU to give the new baby your name. How old is the first one? If young enough to not really know their name get that one changed as well.

YABU to think telling this guy you don't want to get married will be disappointing to him, or any kind of punishment. It would actually be a reward to him, his dream come true.

Whether you as a couple decide on a small registry office service or the full blown virgin bride expensive Manor House wedding is between you and you dh to be (unless your parents offer to pay for it all!).

Do you realise how you sound saying you are cross because you have been waiting for years for a proposal and then must have a big wedding for mum and dad? You don’t sound like a mature mother of (nearly) two. Take some control.

@wanderlust99 when he first said he was going to ask me to marry him we had no money- we had recently left uni and were skint. Now we are pretty well off, own a home and have a very comfortable amount of savings. We also have savings that were specifically for a wedding.
In any event I have said I am happy with a very inexpensive ring.
I'm going to lay my cards on the table tomorrow.

He doesn’t want to marry you and despite wanting to marry him, you have given him everything he wants regardless. Why would he bother?

Draw a line and try to be happy unmarried. Change the kids names to reflect both of you.

The big wedding is not the same after kids anyway.

He may or may not intend to get married in the future but seeing as you already have children with his surname it may just be something he thinks he will do one day and that day will never happen.

I don't get why people feel having the same surname as your children is important (mine is different and it has never caused any issues at all) but considering it's important to you, why on earth did you have them before getting married? Rather than forcing the issue of marriage, you could just change your surname by deed poll so that it is the same as your children's.

YANBU to give the new baby your name. How old is the first one? If young enough to not really know their name get that one changed as well.

OP can't officially change he child's name without her DPs permission which is not going to happen. It would be easier just to change her own name so that it is the same as everyone elses.

@WeAllHaveWings I never said I needed to have a big wedding because of my parents- I just said a quick dash to a reg office wasn't what I wanted due to them being heartbroken about my siblings.
I think there is quite a lot between a reg office wedding with 2 witnesses and a big wedding.

'I never understand why anyone would have a child with someone, when being married is so important to them. '

EXACTLY! And then go on to have more with the person. Or put off marriage because they can't afford a big wedding when they've already had kids together.

This guy doesn't want to marry you or he'd have done it by now.

Please tell me you didn't jack in FT work to look after the kids. I have a feeling you did because he has significant savings of his own.

I will never understand why people, usually women, do this.

Forget about 2019. And forget about your parents. They need to grow up. Or have them as witnesses at the registry office for your marriage ceremony.

But hey, you keep issuing him with statements of fact htat you'll carry out, then you don't walk the walk. So he takes the piss.

'I just said a quick dash to a reg office wasn't what I wanted due to them being heartbroken about my siblings. '

They don't know the meaning of heartbreak. And they can be witnesses.

I would never have kids without being married unless I was independently financially secure. He’s hoarding away those savings and you have no access or rights to them in the event of a split. Are you sacrificing/paying for everything while he “saves” what he earns? You’ve sacrificed elements of your career/earning capacity to have kids. Where’s his sacrifice? He’s not playing ball. Tell him (very calmly) you’ve decided as you’re not married that you won’t be putting his name on the birth certificate, baby will be having your surname and you’ll be rethinking your living/financial situation in order to protect yourself. Honestly, do you really want to marry somebody who is really not bothered about your feeling/wants/wishes? Don’t you want somebody who would burn the world down to be married to you? You are settling for second best. It’s really sad and I feel for you. Why don’t you decide you don’t want him anymore and start calling the shots. This reminds me of one of those movies where the bloke eventually meets somebody else/has an affair and marries the new woman 2 weeks after getting together!

You could give the younger one your surname. When/if you get married you can then change it to his (along with your own surname). It would probably concentrate his mind.

So much judgement and assumption that I am a silly little woman and not financially secure. I have said it a few times on the thread - I am independently financially secure. I own almost half of our property in any event and this is expressed in the land registry docs. With my share of our savings I could buy him out if that's what we decided. I earn more than him when I'm FT and about the same as him when I'm PT. I can go back to being FT without much trouble but I could easily support myself and DC by myself.
I just wanted to get married without having to feel like I am dragging DP kicking and screaming. And in absence of that I wanted to know if it was totally unreasonable to say I no longer wished to get married at all. This last option being okay with me because I am financially stable on my own.

Has he got some dumb unjustified fear of marriage? Have you talked about what his problem is? I couldn’t wait to marry my wife. I couldn’t wait to give her financial security and a official commitment before we had children.

You just need to get it sorted or move on.

'And in absence of that I wanted to know if it was totally unreasonable to say I no longer wished to get married at all. '

Why bother saying anything?

Quite simply because unlike men, women have an ever narrowing window of opportunity if they want to have biological children

That's why you leave the relationship.

'When you're getting the milk why buy the cow'

The way I see it, dude clearly doesn’t want to get married. Dude clearly doesn’t want to offer financial security to the mother of his children. Dude clearly....sucks.

You are not being unreasonable at all. You trust him to follow through on his end of the bargain and he hasn’t

Def the new baby should have your surname and the current one can have its name changed.

Does he actually tell you what his objection is?