Aibu to next longer want to get married and to want the kids to have my name

[thiskittenbarks]

DP and me have been together 7 years. Known each other for almost 20 years. still no proposal. When we had been together a year he asked what type of engagement ring I'd like and I showed him some. We had no money then so I knew it wasn't really an option. But that was 6 years ago. When we decided to have a baby I said I'd only give baby his last name if we were going to get married. His response was that of course we were going to get married. We named baby his name and waited patiently for a proposal. Then I got less patient and we spoke about it and I was pretty upfront about how I felt - he's said we'd get married and I couldn't for the life of me understand what the fuck was taking him so long. We have a good amount of disposable income and he has significant savings that he keeps separate from our savings (I had presumed for a ring). I've said on numerous occasions I would be happy with a very inexpensive ring. I have showed him several rings that I like. DS is now 14 months and I'm am pregnant again. I know 3 couples who have got engaged within the last month who have known each other less time than we have had our DS. We have been on a few lovely holidays and each time I am sure he will do it and of course nothing. It was our anniversary last month and I was sure he was going to do it then. Since then I have just been absolutely furious with him.
I want to be with him. He's a wonderful person, and an amazing dad and partner. But I just do not want to get married or engaged to him anymore. I have so much anger and resentment about the issue that if he ever did propose I'd know I'd just tell him to fuck off. On our wedding day I'd just feel bitter.
Ambu in telling him I want the babies to have my name (or both our names) and that I no longer want to get married?

What would happen now if you explained your position and told him you won't be giving this child his name and there's nothing he can do about it if you're not married?

Also, having a child with someone isn't a lifetime commitment to that person. At best it's one to the child. But it doesn't necessarily give you any obligations towards the other person.

why do women these still expect the man to do everything ? ask you out for the first date, spend shit tons on a ring / have a romantic purposal, they really want to go out with / marry someone why don't a lot of them want to take the leap and ask.

Instead of the man having to do it all take control of your own lives, want to date the man you fancy in the other department ask him out or invite him for a coffee, want to get married why don't you do the purposal if you want a romantic one why expect the man to do it?

We even started saving for the wedding and looking at venues

What happened to stop it or book?

Some really sympathetic responses here

Op to answer your question yanbu at all to say you don't want to get married and give the kids your name.

It might make him realise he's not got it made like he thinks he has.

Give him an ultimatum then, I want us married before the baby comes, unless we are married by then I will assume you don't want me to be your life partner and will move on with my life.
At least you will know.
Then book it for a registry office and just get it over.
Dh and I used a registry office with a month notice and are still together 32 years later. It's the bit after the ceremony that counts, not all the faff beforehand.

What's with the "saving for a wedding"? Just book a register office and get married. If you want to celebrate it invite some friends to the pub.

This is why I will never understand the whole thing about giving kids the fathers surname when you aren’t married. People argue it’s tradition - tradition for who?

OP you give him children, their surnames, you probably do everything like a married couple but you don’t have the security like a married couple.

Grab your opportunity to say maybe it’s about time you had that wedding.

Give the children your name but that sounds really like the least of the problems here.

You quite rightly are feeling resentment and bitterness at the position you've found yourself in. He's pretty much set up quite nicely as it is - marriage clearly isn't a priority for him. The choice you have to make is whether or not you can live with it. Even if you declare that you no longer want to get married - it's a rather meaningless declaration because it doesn't sound as if the alternative is an option anyway.

Sounds like you'd become entrenched in bitterness if you continued. Issue him an ultimatum but and it's a very important but... you must be prepared to go through with it. If you call his bluff and end up staying regardless then prepare for a life of misery.

What's in it for him?

having a child with someone isn't a lifetime commitment to that person

Of course it is! That someone will be forever the father (or mother) of your child! Even if you split up, they will be in their life, and as a consequence, in your too. People (mainly women) should really acknowledge that when they decide to commit to a baby.
If someone is not ready to commit to marry you in the first place, why on earth would you want to make an even bigger commitment and have a child - if that's important to you

If you never want to get marry, there's no issue, but if you do want a wedding, having a baby first is not right.

Give the new baby your surname.

My sister had two children with a long term partner (10 years in total) and both children had his surname despite the fact my sister wasn't married to their dad.

It all went desperately wrong, he turned out to be vile and so my sister left him. That was about 4 years ago now and she still always, always says that she hates the fact she doesn't have the same surname as the children. She said it's like the children and their dad have a common bond between them that she isn't part of and she finds it upsetting.

A previous poster suggested you tell him that if you are not married, or plans aren't set and booked for a wedding by the time the second baby comes then you will leave as he clearly does not want to make that commitment to your relationship and I totally agree!

You don't need a white wedding and lavish reception to get married.

You could have had a quick do at the registry office to secure your future and that of your children.

I do understand the responses saying why have a baby with a man you aren't married to, as thats what I would have said until recently. My dad very fell ill, my parents are elderly and some biological clock just went off in me and I needed my dad to meet my offspring. So we decided to have a baby. This wasn't some guy I'd just met in the pub - it is a man I have known for nearly 20 years, been in a relationship with for 7 (5 years when we started ttc) and had owned a home with for 4 years.

He doesn’t want to marry you or he’d have done it. ‘When men tell you who they are, listen!’ He is tell by you by his action that he doesn’t want to marry you. You have a choice, stay and become bitter and angry, or leave and forge your own path.

I imagine it might be very difficult to contemplate leaving someone when you’re currently pregnant by them.

Propose to him? Do it tomorrow. It’ll be romantic.

There are practical legal reasons for wanting to be married.

I’d tell him that it’s happening and you’ve booked the registry office. If he doesn’t want to have a small informal private ceremony which gives you both legal protection, that would be a deal breaker for me. What could his possible reasonable objection be?

I don't understand the arguments. I'm not in this situation, and a lot of my friends are unmarried with children so I'm used to seeing the family dynamic. However I think it would grate on me in this context where you've spoken about it and it hasn't materialised. Check his diary, book the registrar. The name issues is separate but if it were me I'd take the opportunity to give everyone my name. No wedding, but a marriage to keep you safe.

Who owns most of the assets? Do you work a similar number of hours? How do you split childcare? You are buying a house together, is this in both names with 50:50 split? Do you have wills? Do not give up work until you are married.

Of course it is! That someone will be forever the father (or mother) of your child! Even if you split up, they will be in their life, and as a consequence, in your too.

That’s not true. My Dad was a complete twat and left my mum when I was 2. I haven’t seen him since. I know of many instances where it is the same or vice versa.

Just because someone has a child doesn’t mean they will be forever in their lives. Some people don’t see a child as a commitment.

This is a tricky one, I do agree with PPs who say if he was going to marry you he would have done so by now, it really doesn't have to be a big deal.

If I were you I'd seek legal advice, especially if you have changed your career path to accommodate having your child(ren) (i.e. you've become a SAHP or are working part-time) as that would make you financially more vulnerable if you were to split.

I'm in a similar position but refused to give our daughter his surname (if we split I'd be the primary carer and didn't want a different name to my child, pregnant with no2 and will give my surname again). I'm actually not bothered if we marry as I'm financially secure - I invested more into our home (which is protected by a deed of trust), I earn more and work full time, if we were to split and he disappear I could buy him out and just about maintain our life on my salary alone.
Please seek legal advice in order to protect you and your children if the worst was to happen - i.e. do you both have wills that cover the other and provision for the children, life insurance that will clear any mortgage, what about power of attorney or named next of kin for any death in service benefit etc?? If you've stopped caring about being married sort all of the above out so you're all covered, once that's you don't have to make a big deal about marriage you can just carry on as you always have for as long as you're happy to.

If the father has parental responsibility you'll need his permission to change your baby's name.