To feel sad about DP spending Xmas at his exes

[Tumbleweeds24]

I'm 36 weeks pregnant and it's the first Christmas that me and DP have lived together. Money is really tight this year so we're not 'doing christmas' here per say. We've had alot to fork out for, bills rent and baby stuff which has fallen at a time where there isn't any disposable. I'm fine with that, we agreed between us we would make up for it when baby arrives in late jan. No biggie.

We discussed what we'd be doing on the day (christmas) and as i knew he would want to see his children I said I would go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel bad about leaving me on my own. We don't drive so I would have to spend the night there as I'm reliant on the bus service.

He's planning to go to his exes on Christmas morning to see the kids and stay there for about 6 hours he says. He says he's not having christmas dinner there but he probably will, that's ok I guess. I think he's downplaying their plans for the day to spare my feelings. If I'm not going to be home he has no reason to rush back does he?

I just feel a bit sad deep down. I would have been happy staying here and just not bothering with the festivities, cuddling up watching a movie with him or something would suffice - but because he knows he's going to be out the house all of Christmas day he's keen for me to go to my aunt's so he doesn't feel guilty himself for me being alone. I would rather not if I'm honest.

I'm happy for him being able to see his kids at Christmas I really am. I would never come between that, it's just the idea of them playing happy families that's making me feel a bit sad. He can't bring them to our place because their mum doesn't want him having them around the new woman, so to spend Xmas with them means spending it with her at her place.

Aibu to feel a bit down about this? I haven't said anything and won't, I don't want to ruin Christmas for him or his kids

I may be misremembering, but I am sure Tumble said her DP works shifts, so he and his ex need to work out his contact when he knows his rota. This requires some flexibility. So how would a contact order work in this scenario? The dad is not available for regular contact, he sees the DC dependent on his work schedule. This is a genuine question, prh47

He needs to work to pay his bills, maintenance etc. He might be rubbish at budgeting after that, but the DC have maintenance paid and contact is organised around his schedule, so the separated parents are doing what a court would wish, surely.

This also requires flexibility on his exes part. EOW and once a week would allow her to plan her time more in advance, but his work hours don’t allow this.

So what would a contact order achieve?

@IcedCocoa my XH and I agreed contact between us. I work away from home but those weeks of travel aren't fixed - so with sometimes quite short notice he has our children. We agreed that this wasn't unfair to him, given that he was (a) the cheating cause of divorce! and (b) my travel was necessitated by having moved to his town at his convenience.

On our Child Arrangements form, we added a bit about "flexible according to working patterns".

I'd also be interested to know what a court order would say!

But I doubt that the OP's husband has made any attempt to manage this.

• he could change his job to a fixed rota
• he could speak to his employers about making adjustments for his parenting responsibilities, putting him on a variable rota but never on (say) a Mon/Tue night.
• if he can't fix the overnights, he doesn't work in the day, he could have proposed every other Sat & Sun from 14:00-19:00

How's your back Tumble?

I think you need to try and relax now and concentrate on bump and yourself. Is your bag packed for the hospital? How will you get there? Taxi?

All this shit will still be here in a months time and three months time! Sorting out this mess will take a little while.

Things may change once bump is here. There are lots of unknowns at the moment. But trying to second guess isn't going to help. Good luck for an easy birth and healthy baby and look after yourself.

The ex sounds like me. My Ex h had an affair and now lives with GF in small flat with new child. I let him come to my house to see our kids otherwise he wouldn’t see them. They do go and stay at theirs but they have to sleep on the floor and miss their friends. We buy each other gifts from the kids. I buy him nice wine from the boys. He helps repair the kids bikes etc etc. We get in amicable. I am not controlling and I certainly DO NOT want him back. BUt he has two families and has to deal with that. His choice. You can’t just dump the old family and move onto the new one. I fit around the times he can see the kids and I do 90% of the care. None of this is my choice.

I really resent some of the comments made above. Some exs just work together did the kids. It isn’t about control, playing games, trying to get back together. It is about giving the first kids a stable upbringing. However much I hate my ex for the affair I will always say that most of the time he puts his first kids first and I think that is honourable

So how would a contact order work in this scenario

Where it isn't possible to set specific times the contact order will normally specify the amount and frequency of contact and may fill in details for certain special times (e.g. Christmas) but leave the details for the parents to work out between them. So the order could specify four overnight stays per fortnight, say, but leave it up to the parents to sort out the dates and times when the non-resident parent has their work schedule.

This can work well provided the parents cooperate. But it can be very difficult if one of the parents is uncooperative.

Some exs just work together did the kids. It isn’t about control, playing games, trying to get back together

I agree. I wish all ex partners would work together for the benefit of the kids. It would be much better for everyone if they did. Unfortunately some don't.

Of course, there are sometimes good reasons why a parent won't work with their ex.

Excuse my late response I caught up on a few hours sleep. My back isn't feeling any better, it's a constant dull ache now and feels very uncomfortable. I'm also very constipated. Sorry for the tmi I was just wondering if anybody thinks these are potential warning signs of an impending labour?

I may have been wrong to say "toxic rules and regulations" that is probably bad wording on my part coupled with the fact i was tired and grumpy when I posted earlier on. I do think their current arrangement isn't conductive to the fact there is a heavily pregnant new partner in the mix and a new sibling, but I can't say that's all her fault. He hasn't ever pushed for the legal route or even mediation. The current arrangement is more unsuitable for me and baby than them two as he is happy to dance to whatever tune means he sees them often and the kids are happy so long as they're seeing him.

When I've mentioned mediation and or seeking legal advice his response echoed what an earlier poster said she has seen time and time again. He's concerned that the minute he initiates anything official she is going to withhold contact and he be faced with a long and lengthy battle where he goes for a substantial period of time without seeing his children. In his words, it's easier for him to go along with what she says so the children don't miss out on time with him. That's just what he says though.

About his work schedule.

He tells me he is applying to change from nights to days to make things easier when baby is born. We will see whether that happens soon enough

Hellothereitsme
You sound flexible and reasonable.

But i bet you don't make half plans, then ignore your ex trying to contact you about thr plans only to text him last minute (knowing fine well he has a pregnant partner) to say drop everything and come round this morning.

He rushed over there this morning only to be told he had to leave after half an hour because his exs parents were on their way over to collect them and since the break up they've been very vocal about him leaving her and the kids apparently.. still, probably for the best so not to argue in front of the little ones.

It's just just very sad. I want nothing more than my little boy to have a relationship with his older siblings, my heart aches for him knowing that the chances are it won't happen amicably at least for a long time. DPs children are wonderful and I feel they'd grow up being close given half the chance

Going to make sure I've got my hospital bag ready in a second, getting a bit suspicious of this back pain after some relentless Google searching! Had it a couple of mornings in a row now but today it's much worse and isn't going away

When is he going to wake up and realise that he has created two 'families' ,not sure if that's the right word, and it's a long term thing (i.e. they will be half siblings forever) and he needs to sort it out, for everyone's sake. If ex is difficult for a while it's not the end of the world. She will adapt. He needs to do something positive for you all.

I think the suggestion of mediation initially is a good one. Or before that a carefully worded email to ex, that you can see too (not hear about), to clear up all this mess and fog and lack of clarity he's creating.

What he does now will build the foundations for a good or bad relationship between the siblings and everyone going forward. Seems like he can't manage it himself as he's too wishy washy. Maybe you should draft an email for him, as once baby is here it's a whole different story.
Hope youre ok today OP and back pain goes away.

He tells me he is applying to change from nights to days to make things easier when baby is born

So 4 weeks before his baby is due he is “applying” to change to days? In other words he hasn’t done it. Applying doesn’t take long. It’s not a UCAS application. It’s a 30 second chat with your line mananger asking to change and stating why. Manager says either “it should be ok, i’ll Look at the rotas/put in the request” or “I’m not sure we can do that but i’ll Look at the rotas/put in the request”. Either way, he would have a fair idea how likely it was if he had even started the process. He hasn’t. 4 weeks before his baby is born. OP has he even requested his paternity leave? He gets 2 weeks and I think he needs a maternity certificate from you to process it. (Does anyone know if that’s still the case?)

From a practical level he just will not be able to nip out for several hours 3 evenings a week when your baby is born. You will need someone there to allow you to eat, bath yourself, have a break from holding a baby all day. He is going to have to have his children at your place. He can’t be absent in the evenings with a newborn. Evenings are when all the cluster feeding and colic issues intensify. But in reality I cannot agree that it is right that 2 children who have never met you as his partner will suddenly be thrust into a situation where they are having contact with Dad right at the time when Dad and partner are coming to terms with a newborn, their sibling. It just wouldn’t be fair on anyone. He really needed this sorted months ago. But he cannot Be leaving be you in the evenings.

prh47 thank you for the reply.
In my scenario - as the resident parent - I have no way of making dad take DD for any number of nights, though, if he doesn’t ask. I have tried to get things organised for over a decade and he still cannot manage, so I have given up. In my case, though, it is more like second family has made him forget he had a DD in the first place.

To the OP, if he has not contacted a solicitor to even take advice, I suspect he is just making excuses on what ‘might’ happen. Only a solicitor could properly advise on that and the options.

Anyway, I am leaving the thread now, all best wishes for the baby and sorting things, OP. We all have different takes on this based on our own experiences.

Ellis thank you also, that is helpful. Flexible according to working patterns sounds a good way to be, this relies on a level of co-operation and good faith, which is ideally what you want if you are co-parenting.

Just caught up with this thread.
You sound strong.
Hopefully your back pain will subside soon.
Good luck with everything.

How convenient would it be for him if you gave birth when his ex is away with the kids. I bet he would be the perfect partner to his girlfriend giving birth and devoted to his new baby. No falling asleep or phone on silence then!

I don't think the ex has a clue you are pregnant though does she?

Sorry if I have missed it, but what contact do you have with DPs family? Siblings, parents etc? Do any of them have contact with the ex?

Good luck with the baby.

In my scenario - as the resident parent - I have no way of making dad take DD for any number of nights, though, if he doesn’t ask

I don't know if you will see this since you are leaving the thread. However...

In general a contact order is about making the parent with residence make the child available for contact. The courts are not keen on forcing the non-resident parent to have contact. If the NRP doesn't take up the contact ordered the courts likely to reduce or remove their contact rather than try to force them into it.

However, well done for trying. It sounds like you did the right thing.

You don't need to produce the MATB1 for paternity leave. You should though let your employer know 15 weeks before (but most men don't as they seem to tend not to know this, and most employers seem to cope).

www.gov.uk/paternity-pay-leave/how-to-claim

It's not compulsory to take it though. Most employers still only pay the statutory pay so he may not be able to afford to take it, but he could take it as part of his annual leave which would be at full pay.

How are you doing OP?

I'm not too bad thanks for asking, other than this crappy backache that still isn't going away :(

24 days left maximum!

It’ll soon fly in.

Have read the thread and just wanted to check in! Should’ve said my last post there....seems a bit random 🙈

Happy New Year @Tumbleweeds24 !

Hope you're doing ok x