Every god damn year!!!

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

Came home today to find another Christmas card through the letter box addressed to Mr and Mrs J Smith, that's the third this year that has been addressed this way.

I didn't change my name when I got married and I don't go by Mrs. Why can't people (in laws) just get my bloody name right! It's not hard to address the envelope to John and Sarah is it?

I would never address a Christmas card to Shaun when their name is Sean, I'd make sure I'd got it right before posting. So AIBU to think this is just bloody rude and to tell the many offenders to get my name right in future or just don't include me in the card at all?

And when you quoted me, you cut off the point: they would change their behaviour if my husband asked them to, not if I asked them to.

@KnowItNo that's horrible.

They'd call you your own name if your husband tells them to but you don't get a say?

I also agree with titsup that ultimately doing nothing about being called the wrong name is a measured and reasonable response. If only all posters were as effective at instituting change.

They'd call you your own name if your husband tells them to but you don't get a say?

Yes, they'd take it more seriously if DH got involved. These are nice, normal people.

These are nice, normal people

and British atheists - no cultural/religious element.

The "I haven't changed my name" thing seems to be causing them some sort of logic fail. But if my husband said something it would compute.

Totally agree with you. Good manners are important. It's a way of taking time to show you care about and respect other people. Getting someone's name wrong doesn't show that you're thinking about them too deeply at this or any other time of year. It might be old fashioned but tbh it's helpful to have Debretts to refer to. I address the card to my grandparents as Mr and Mrs His Firstname His Secondname as my GM made the choice to take my GDs name on marriage and that's the 'correct' form of address (I was a weird kid who was obsessed with taking Debretts out of the library every week. Could come in handy should I ever need to host the ambassadors reception...)
I didn't change my name when I got married and neither did my husband. Most of my Christmas / Birthday cards are addressed to a person who doesn't exist (Mrs His Secondname). It makes me sad that I've taken the time to get people's names right and they haven't -- especially close friends and family. Don't see how it's got anything to do with feminism, it just makes me feel sad. And yes, I've told people that we didn't change our names. OP, it's OK to be upset if people are rude to you. I get more upset about a close friend not getting my name right than a stranger queue barging or something. YANBU

I wonder if it's a misconception thing? Someone I know (a very bright feminist) genuinely thought that women's surnames automatically change upon marriage and that using your pre-marriage name was sort of like going by a nickname given that your legal name had changed to that of your husband. Said person always called me by chosen (pre-marriage) name I hasten to add, it's just that they had no idea that that remained my legal name. Really made me think.

So if a package turns up addressed to Mrs Smiith when your name is Mrs Smith I imagine you send that back as well as it is so clearly not for you..

Eh?

I also agree with titsup that ultimately doing nothing about being called the wrong name is a measured and reasonable response. If only all posters were as effective at instituting change.

Not everything needs to treated with a sledgehammer. A few conversations and then tolerance is an appropriate way to deal with a relatively minor slight from inlaws. If a business were refusing to use my real name, I'd remove my custom and object loudly and publicly.

I'll bust a gut to improve social justice, but I try (not always succeeding) to be forgiving of personal slights. At a guess I've probably made more effort than the average mumsnetter to institute change in society, via voluntary work and a lot of campaigning. Your sarcasm is based on an unjustified assumption.

Yes, we women have been conditioned pretty well not to rock the boat, to shy away from being "militant" and to be the peace-keepers.

I subscribe to a faith which teaches that we should be peace-keepers, whilst being ready to lay down our lives to protect the vulnerable and oppressed. This was taught by a man, to men and women equally, and is followed equally by me and my (male) DP.

I don't suppose for a minute that I'm immune to being conditioned by society, but before following this way of life, I was very much not a peace-maker, and now I am. In my case, it's nothing to do with being a woman, since I was just as much a woman when I was a kick-arse troublemaker, compared with a trying-to-be-gentle peacemaker!

Thanks for the preaching but your first post on the subject was to moan about a friend who had been disrespectful to you by not thinking about how stressed you were when she corrected you when you misnamed her and you've then gone on to criticise posters for being intolerant and unfair.

You are just as egotistical as everyone else.

A few conversations and then tolerance is an appropriate way to deal with a relatively minor slight from inlaws.

But what I don't understand is why it would be up to me to "tolerate" them calling me by a different name? Why can't they just call me by my actual name? Why is that so difficult for them?

Because your a woman we sit down shut up and accept being called what other people think we should be called and because also expecting another woman to be perfectly able to to cope with such important information like someone's bake is far to much for our teeny tiny little brains full up with knitting patterns and deciding what to wear .

The man's part was right that's what matters

Name

Thanks for the preaching

Not preaching. Someone implied that I had been conditioned into keeping the peace because I'm a woman. I was refuting that point. I intentionally kept other aspects of my faith out of it.

but your first post on the subject was to moan about a friend who had been disrespectful to you by not thinking about how stressed you were when she corrected you when you misnamed her

I was giving an example of when it would be better to tolerate being wrongly addressed. Like most PPs, I try to address people according to their preferences. Yes, I think my friend should have overlooked it on that occasion, given that I wasn't merely "stressed", I was at my dying parents' bedside, writing those last few cards, as I made clear.

My friend knew this a couple of days after the death called me to say "I'm sorry about your parent, also please address me as x. I'd have thought it was obvious why phoning me up to complain about that was hurtful in the circumstance. I forgave her and wouldn't mention it to her again, but considered it to be relevant to the thread.

and you've then gone on to criticise posters for being intolerant and unfair

I think some of the actions recommended haven't been very tolerant. And some of the stated assumptions about other people have been unfair (including the assumption I was refuting, that a woman making or keeping peace is only doing so because of societal conditioning).

I'm sorry if it's come across as an accusation that they are overall intolerant or unfair people. I didn't intentionally imply that - because I couldn't possibly know whether it's the case. Describing certain statements or comments as that is perfectly acceptable in a debate (and AIBU is essentially a kind of online debate).

You are just as egotistical as everyone else

Yep. Less than I used to be, but I definitely still have an ego problem. I'd hope that most of us, faith or no faith, aim for higher standards than we manage to achieve 100% of the time.

One day I'm going to start an AIBU about Buddhist converts.

But what I don't understand is why it would be up to me to "tolerate" them calling me by a different name? Why can't they just call me by my actual name? Why is that so difficult for them?

They're being unreasonable and should use your name, i.e. the name you choose to use rather than the name they'd like you to choose to use.

I don't think you'd be unreasonable to point it out every single time, or to feel offended that they do this. If I were a member of your family, I think I'd be pointing it out on your behalf every time, explaining why it was rude, and trying to remind them of your actual name before christmas and birthdays.

If they are otherwise lovely to you (and I'm afraid I've now got muddled between a few posters' families and haven't got time to re-read the entire thread to see if yours were the otherwise-lovely inlaws), then I think the ideal response is to tolerate this, on the grounds of them otherwise being kind and loving to you.

That doesn't mean I think they're at all in the right here. They're not. They're being unreasonable.

It doesn't mean I think you'd be wrong to object far more vociferously. That would also be reasonable and justified.

I just think that the more tolerant response is the better one - and yes, I'd say the same if they were getting a man's name wrong. It's just a question of taking the high road/ being the bigger person / pick your own cliche.

One day I'm going to start an AIBU about Buddhist converts

 Sorry!

Because your a woman we sit down shut up and accept being called what other people think we should be called and because also expecting another woman to be perfectly able to to cope with such important information like someone's bake is far to much for our teeny tiny little brains full up with knitting patterns and deciding what to wear hmm. The man's part was right that's what matters

Not sure if that's aimed at what I said. If so, you're hugely mischaracterizing my views.

I'm a woman and I believe that men and women

-both, equally, deserve to be addressed by the names they choose

-both, equally, ought to address others by the names they choose

-both, equally, are capable of addressing others by the names they choose

-both, equally, failable, especially at difficult times, and liable to making mistakes (not referring to OP's inlaws, who have done it consistently)

-both, equally, at their best when they are loving and tolerant and forgiving etc etc. In OP's case, it's not very loving of her inlaws to keep doing this, but it's not the inlaws who are asking MN whether they're being unreasonable, so it seems kind of less relevant.

I didn't anticipate having to spell out what should be pretty obvious, but it really seems that praising someone for being tolerant (and I wasn't actually even referring to OP's situation at the time), causes a lot of offence, and insinuations about sexism, if they happen to be a woman.

Right, I feel like I've fallen down a rabbit hole, and I need to finish wrapping presents.

OP, I hope most of all that your in-laws start addressing you correctly, but if they don't, it seems you have your answers - that most people on here think you wouldn't be unreasonable to tell them to get your name right or not include you. And it wouldn't be unreasonable IMO either. And definitely not unreasonable to think they're being bloody rude.

Because I think tbh names are different.

We have all been busy or had alot going on with births or deaths that maybe we lost track of days and forgot a birthday or that we were supposed to be somewhere.

I certainly think going off on one about that is out of order as the world obviously doesn't revolve around an adults birthday when they have had over thirty of them.

But a name is different. The people who love you have always known.you as X and it's not a preference to be called your name. Its not calling someone what they choose. It's acknowledging them as the person you have always known and realising that living together or getting married spent turn you into some single Entity and hive mind where you simply become Mrs

If anything a person would surely be more likely to forget to put the married name down when they have known you as something else for decades than having to remember what their old name was?

you might want to expand the brief to all cover all annoying converts

Yes, assumed Buddhist because you were taught by "a man" rather than "God" but it's all the same thing.

It was actually me you "praised" for being tolerant for not rocking the boat with the in-laws, having ignored my point that I could change the situation by getting "a man" to talk to them. This issue doesn't affect men, which is why it is seen as what you call a "minor personal slight" that persists today, and one which well-bred good girls don't get their knickers in a twist about. Thank you for your praise, but I very much do it for my own personal sake, not "the greater good". I actually think it would be for "the greater good" if I didn't let it drop.

Mr is what a surgeon is called. FRCS. Fellow of the Royal College of Surgeons. You promoted him!!!

OP if this is at the top of your most hated things then life must be fantastic for you

Who cares what is in an envelope. Jeez.

*on

I just can't be arsed to wade through all the replies from people saying it's the thought that counts, when the OP's made it clear that the IL's thought is a passive aggressive dig at her not taking her husband's name.

And everyone suddenly discovering Debrett. Do you also use 'Esquire'?

OP - next time you send them a card, address it to Mr and Mrs HerMaidenName, see if it's still just an envelope