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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
Bubbaleo · 22/12/2017 14:09

Sunshine, MrsKoala, don't they remove children from drug taking parents nowadays?

Ropsleybunny · 22/12/2017 14:12

Children are only removed if a child is at risk. A parent taking drugs doesn't always mean a child will be removed. If it comes to light, then professionals will work with the parents to try and ensure the child isn't put at risk.

19lottie82 · 22/12/2017 14:58

, don't they remove children from drug taking parents nowadays?

Drug addicts that can’t look after their kids, thus then being at risk, yes.

Parents who take a line on a Christmas night out....... not so much!

Bubbaleo · 22/12/2017 15:00

Bit risky though, isn't it?

Lookingforadvice123 · 22/12/2017 15:05

Mrskoala your friends can’t be that “liberal” if they take “a few lines” without caring how they’ve got it - do they know nothing about the drugs supply chain? Clearly not enough to affect their “middle class, liberal” consciences Hmm

OP I don’t think you’re overreacting. It’s inclnsiderate just to bring mates back, but the drugs, insults and smoking takes it to another level. If DH brought close mates who I know well back after a night out and they sat in the living room drinking beer, I’d be annoyed that they woke me up, that’s it. But the drugs etc, he’d be out the door.

expatinscotland · 22/12/2017 15:10

'But in my middle class liberal professional friendship groups the odd line or pill at a party wouldn't raise eyebrows.'

Hard to be liberal if you do coke. Have you ever seen what it's done to Latin America?

froshiechipandbrickie · 22/12/2017 15:22

expat well, most of us are slightly hypocritical in some way or the other at some point in our lives.

MrsKoala · 22/12/2017 15:37

I'm not saying they aren't hypocrites. They vote labour, boycott Amazon and Uber, align themselves with liberal opinions, read the Guardian etc. Some are teachers, 'creatives', professionals etc. Most don't have dc either tho.

Then there are all the sales guys in the city. We went out last night and one guy had earned £75k that day ! By the look of him i doubt he was just high on life!

Bubbaleo · 22/12/2017 15:38

But most people become more grounded once they have kids and cut out the risks of things such as drug taking, for the sake of the kids.

DeadButDelicious · 22/12/2017 15:43

I would be livid. Coming home a bit worse for wear with a mate(s) in tow is one thing. Coming in shouting, insulting our Home and then proceeding to do drugs and smoke in it? Ab-so-fucking-lutely not on.

Ropsleybunny · 22/12/2017 15:43

At one time many children were taken into care, as this was seen as the best option. Subsequently it's been seen that children don't do that well in our care system. In light of this Social Services try and keep children with their parents, whenever possible, with support.

Children who have parents who use drugs are not routinely taken into care. If it comes to light that parents are drug users an assessment will be made and the children may well be put on a Safeguarding Plan to monitor the situation.

MsGameandWatching · 22/12/2017 16:05

You've got a lot to learn about the reality of the world now - i.e the one your kids will be growing up in.

I've nothing to learn. I used coke extensively in my twenties and was married later to a man who used it regularly. That's how I know what a shit drug it is and the kind of people involved in supplying and using it. The "you just don't know how the world works" jibe is as meaningless as the "cool wives" one. It's boundaries. I'm just not ok with my children living in a home where class a drugs are used.

Lweji · 22/12/2017 16:08

@CardinalCat

Even if the OP didn't miss anything, indeed it should be the father cleaning and tidying it up.
The risk is still there.
And the disrespect towards the OP.

maxthemartian · 22/12/2017 16:20

@ZoeWashburne I laughed hollowly at your post. Do you have any idea just how piss poor mental health services are?
The idea that there's this dedicated bespoke service that will adjust your treatment plan till you're normal and functional...
Try getting a prescription tossed at you that you may or may not tolerate and being told to install the Headspace app.

PiffleandWiffle · 22/12/2017 16:50

I'm aware of drug use by parents and grandparents, of course, but it's something I associate with kids I've taught who have difficult and dysfunctional family backgrounds. It's not something I've ever done myself or that any of my friends do or that I would tolerate in my home.

Ah, that explains the "normal" comment in your post then. I can assure you, if you post on Mumsnet you're unlikely to be "normal" - to the left hand side of Batshit covers most posters on here.

But anyway, rest assured that "naice" parents do it too & it doesn't necessarily lead to dysfunctional family lives - personally I think the OPs reaction is pretty damned dysfunctional & certainly not "normal"....

froshiechipandbrickie · 22/12/2017 17:15

to the left hand side of Batshit covers most posters on here.

😂

I don’t think I’m a ‘cool wife’ or trying to be one...
but no, I personally wouldn’t be too upset if DH ‘wanted’ to get high every once in a while.

Idk, maybe that’s spectacularly irresponsible but I just don’t see it as inherently worse than alcohol (well, it depends on the circumstances. And there’s obviously the issue of possible legal ramifications)

But I am admittedly rather surprised that some people would be perfectly fine with their partner consuming a large amount of alcohol but think that doing coke is an automatic dealbreaker / means that someone has a dysfunctional family.

froshiechipandbrickie · 22/12/2017 17:19

But I’d be very angry if DH or his guests smoked inside our house (they’re allowed to smoke in the shed or our garden). We all have our priorities and lines, I guess.

TammySwansonTwo · 22/12/2017 17:26

I've never had any sort of issue with drugs but now I have kids I wouldn't want them in my house. It's just too risky. What if a small bag is dropped and forgotten about when people are both drunk and high? I've been off my face plenty of times and I know how easy it is to lose track of what you're doing.

I don't know - personally I'm in my I'd 30s, spent a lot of time in my teens and 20s getting up to no good but I've lost all appetite for getting shit faced of any variety these days, a couple of glasses of wine or cocktails are all I'm interested in. Personally I'd find it pretty unattractive if my 38 year old DH was wanted to get wasted a lot (by whatever means), especially if that resulted in police or hospital or whatever. I just think we've grown past that stage of our lives. My single / child-free mates regularly indulge in whatever they want, no judgement from me, I'm just not fussed any more.

BitOutOfPractice · 22/12/2017 18:14

He can stay out as late as he likes. He can bring mates back to his home without "permission". I think you massively overreacted to that

The drugs is the only no no from me tbh.

Fellia · 22/12/2017 18:20

How are you now OP?

Coyoacan · 22/12/2017 19:03

The trouble with cocaine is that its users get more paranoid and aggressive over time

Messedupnotstressedup · 22/12/2017 19:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lizzie48 · 22/12/2017 19:18

It's not just the drugs IMO. Obviously he was within his rights to bring his mates around to his house, but he knew his partner wasn't well and suffered from anxiety. He ought to have been more sensitive towards someone he supposedly cares about.

raisinsarenottheonlyfruit · 23/12/2017 00:22

I personally wouldn’t be too upset if DH ‘wanted’ to get high every once in a while.

Neither would I, not at all. BUT I would strongly object to him doing it in way that directly made me suffer (going to work on no sleep is not my idea of fun). It's not about him not being "allowed" to have fun. It's that he's making the OP pay a price for his fun. Why should she have struggle so he can have a blowout FFS?

CheeseToastie123 · 23/12/2017 00:59

(please don't use the anxiety and sexual assault card here, I've experienced both and have acute anxiety and MH issues myself so know full well what it's like)

You know full well what it's like for you. That you can survive that, and cope with that, and not understand the concept that your experience is literally that - yours and yours alone - is thoroughly depressing.