Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone up? I’m not overreacting am I..

371 replies

mostimproved · 22/12/2017 03:31

Sorry just need to get this written down to see if it is in fact LTB worthy or not (not really light hearted Sad)

So my fiancé partner had his work Christmas party last night. He said he’d go for a few drinks but has form for staying out until more like midnight, so I fully expected him to be home a bit later. I’ve got a stinking cold and was at work until 8pm (started at 7) so was looking forward to a quiet early night. DS (6) is at my mum’s tonight and tomorrow so it’s just me and the cats - Flat is a tip due to me being ill and putting off pre-Xmas cleaning.

Anyway, I was awoken 15 minutes ago by the sound of loud male voices in the hallway, bottles clinking and several men coming through the front door. I was (and still am) shaking with anxiety as I thought I had somehow left the front door open and some random people had come into my flat in the middle of the night.

I’m sure you know where this is going - it was my ‘D’P and two men from his work, who I initially thought were just returning him home as he was drunk. They all went through to the living room with a Costco-size tray of beer cans (like about 40 cans literally) and sit themselves down, one even proclaiming my home a ‘shithole’ presumably due to the washing on the airer, some dirty dishes etc or even the size of the place itself (fairly central London whereas his colleagues mainly live further afield and are used to houses rather than flats. I digress..)

The cats ran into the room and the door slammed shut so they were stuck in there. Once I had realised they were not burglars in my home I went into the living room in what I’m sleeping in and tried to confront them, but was still so shaky I couldn’t get the words out, just kind of stood there stuttering Xmas Blush. I managed to say I was just getting the cats so at least they could sleep in our bed and have access to the litter tray, then awkwardly tried to herd them out (cats not men). Shut the door and started crying through the shock and embarrassment of it all, and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

Losing the will to even type this.. but AIBU to be a quivering wreck and am I a complete pushover for going back to bed and letting this go on, or is he entitled to do what he wants as a one off in his own home when DS isn’t there?

Can’t decide whether to make a scene or just take a sleeping tablet and hope they’ve gone by the time I get up for work tomorrow..

OP posts:
UbiquityTree · 23/12/2017 11:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MsGameandWatching · 23/12/2017 11:39

Does he care though?

pictish · 23/12/2017 11:41

Will he give a toss about not doing any wedding planning? I doubt it.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 13:19

Do you think someone who does a line of coke at a party is a drug addict Distance?

I have no idea. They could be. Or perhaps not. (Although coke is a drug which generates addiction particularly quickly). I don't care. Seeing someone doing a line of coke would immediately make my opinion of them drop abysmally. I would never touch anyone who did coke with a barge pole. I wouldn't even speak to them beyond social niceties. I wouldn't allow my children to go to their homes.

I've seen what drugs - and more specifically cocaine - do firsthand. And no, it's not remotely like social drinking.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 13:21

Oh, and people who "just" do a line or two at parties should take a look at what cocaine does to societies in Latin America. You buy cocaine, you are supporting cartels of psychopathic torturers and murderers and the systematic oppression of the people who are forced to grow it.

TheStoic · 23/12/2017 13:24

The OP didn’t actually see any drugs or them taking drugs though did she?

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 13:25

There's a fantastic film called Sicario which shows this quite well. There is a dialogue in it between a rookie FBI agent (played by Emily Blunt), who's scandalised that the US Government is supporting certain drug cartels, and the character played by Josh Brolin, who explains the rationale behind it:

Matt : Medellin refers to a time when one group controlled every aspect of the drug trade, providing a measure of order that we could control. And until somebody finds a way to convince 20% of the population to stop snorting and smoking that shit, order's the best we can hope for. And what you saw up there, was Alejandro working toward returning that order.

Kate Macer : Alejandro works for the fucking Colombian Cartel.

Matt : He works for the competition. Alejandro works for anyone who will point him toward the people who made him. Us. Them. Anyone who will turn him loose. So, he can get the person that cut off his wife's head, and threw his daughter into a vat of acid. Yeah. That's what we're dealing with.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 13:26

TheStoic: what the OP said:

and was heading to bed when I overhead them talking about finding a dvd/Cd case... realised they had come here to take coke or whatever people snort these days and were after something to do lines on.

I don't think they were going to start tidying up the OP's DVDs.

TheStoic · 23/12/2017 13:29

They might’ve changed their minds, her partner might not have participated. I’d at least ascertain that it actually happened first.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 13:48

Does it matter? They intended to snort cocaine, the OP's partner might have not participated but was willing to allow it in his home.

TheStoic · 23/12/2017 13:50

Well yeah, I do think facts matter.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 13:53

Yes, like that fact that the OP's partner was willing to have people doing lines in his living room.

This is not a court of law. Nobody's judging things that were actually done.

However, in personal relationships, attitudes and beliefs (and things you are willing to accept) do matter.

TheStoic · 23/12/2017 13:56

This is not a court of law. Nobody's judging things that were actually done

Clearly!

yippyyappy · 23/12/2017 13:58

This would have annoyed me if I was sick. I'd expect Dh not to bring people back late if I was ill.

I do think it is absolutely not ok to have drugs in a house where you have children. Even if they aren't there.

And I say that as someone who would enjoy a line or two before ds was born.

DistanceCall · 23/12/2017 14:02

Then establishing what was actually done is not as relevant as what the OP's partner is willing to accept.

Someone who is friends with, say, a paedophile and stands by him/her has committed no crime. However, if I found out my partner was friends with a paedophile I would leave him. Immediately.

Likewise, the OP's partner may not have taken drugs, and his friends may not have taken drugs this specific night. But it is clear that they intended to, and that the OP's partner was willing to allow them to.

userofthiswebsite · 23/12/2017 14:10

I think he sounds inconsiderate in coming home with a load of drunk random strangers in the middle of the night, esp knowing your were sick.
And to find said randoms doing drugs in one's lounge, hell no.
But I would never associate with someone who took illegal drugs. Getting 'high' is for fools.
I can see why you're pissed off. I would be too.

Lizzie48 · 23/12/2017 14:22

According to the OP, her OH has form for this kind of behaviour, he's been arrested for being drunk and disorderly. It doesn't bode well for the long-term, that's for sure. Hardly good role model behaviour as a father either.

Original poster
mostimproved · 23/12/2017 16:47

He was upset about the wedding as he is really keen to get married. Also I asked him what they were taking and he said cocaine - don’t think he was trying to show off so yes I’m pretty sure he definitely took some! He certainly looked like he had been and has been more depressed than in a normal hangover.

OP posts:
nestletollhouse · 23/12/2017 23:17

Why after this would he think going to the pub is even an option?

Ah yes, because he doesn't take you seriously. Stand up for yourself op for goodness sake.

expatinscotland · 23/12/2017 23:28

Gah, he's a total loser. He's got zero self-control or respect for you and his family.

GladysKnight · 23/12/2017 23:31

He needs to grow up . I would not marry someone with so little self control. Or, as you have rightly pointed out to him, so little respect for you.

If you are prone to anxiety a partner with no seld control (and who appears to be controlled by drink and/or mates) will cause you recurring grief. Take it from me.

cbearmum · 23/12/2017 23:54

YANBU- I'd be really mad, he should recognise what makes you feel uncomfortable and not do it. I wouldn't want drugs in our house regardless of whether ds is in or out.

Bubbaleo · 24/12/2017 02:15

I'd still like to know how drug taking parents do the "don't take drugs" talk to their kids? No-one answered me on this one.

Coyoacan · 24/12/2017 02:21

Thanks DistanceCall for speaking up for Latin America. I live in Mexico and the level of sadism demonstrated by these coke-fuelled gangs is unbelievable.

MrsKoala · 24/12/2017 09:19

Bubbaleo - Why do assume we do? I'm not a 'drug taking parent' tho, i am a parent who pre dc took drugs occasionally. However i wont be telling my kids not to take drugs, i will be telling them to be informed, know the risks, make sensible choices and to always know they can come to me whenever they need me. If my children have the same experience of drug taking as me and my friends did then i'll be happy. A moderate experimental phase when young, enjoyed but grown out of.

I will be way more concerned about alcohol abuse.