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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:28

I know a few, my DC1 being one, and neither of mine has a “normal” nap time. mine strongly disliked car journeys.

DCs’ sleep / eating is often all over the place during festive family gatherings too.

It’s really disruptive to have a 60-90 min journey on xmas day. The parent who doesn’t get him then gets xmas eve and boxing day.

Unicornfluffycloudsandrainbows · 21/12/2017 13:29

I agree with CaptainCorellisBigToe and wifeopenspace. I have my ds the majority of Christmas Day and he goes to his df on the evening and for Boxing Day aswell. I do most of the groundwork so it seems unfair that the one day of the year I don’t get to spend Christmas morning with my DS ex appreciates that and is accommodating on that basis. He normally gets an extra day after boxing day aswell but due to his work he can’t this year.

Rikalaily · 21/12/2017 13:30

I think alternate Christmases is the fairest to both of you and most of all for your child. Children need consistency and being moved around and passed about on Chirstmas day is rediculous. I'm afraid that when parents split and they have kids the consequence is that you will sometime miss special occasions with them so the other parent can be equally involved too.

My ex and I do alternate years, no it's not nice not being with them for Christmas day and missing the excitement etc, but their dad misses that every other year too, it's just something we have to deal with. It's more important that the kids can have a nice fun settled day without being dragged away from their presents and chucked in a car for an hour to travel to the other parents half way through the day.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 21/12/2017 13:31

Your ex is being very unreasonable. Turning on the waterworks at late notice is a piss poor way of trying to negotiate.

Say no, or you’ll never have a hristmas with your son as she will pull the same stunt every year.

I’d also be tempted to get your contact arrangements formalised in the new year.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:31

NExt year he’ll be 4, then 5: he is v unlikely to nap! Much more likely to be pissed off about the journey and transitions.

Girlsworld92 · 21/12/2017 13:32

My parents split when I was young and we always had xmas with Mum & Boxing Day with Dad. It was the same every year and worked well.
I might get into trouble for saying this but why would Mum be more upset than Dad not having the kids on xmas day? I have 2 young children and I like to hope that if I did ever split with my hubby we could work out a sensible arrangement. I think Ops suggestion is best. Not being funny but the kids matter in this overall not the adults. Christmas day isn't about the actual date, it's about what you do as a family when you are together.

stitchglitched · 21/12/2017 13:37

I can understand her being upset. When you originally discussed it she wanted to split the day and you wanted to alternate. Not only did you get your way, but you also get to have xmas day this year because you are continuing the pattern from last year despite the fact that you have now separated and should probably have started over from scratch with new arrangements. Why do you get to decide everything?

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 13:38

Mine was much older when I spent the first Christmas day post-split without ds. The age probably makes a difference so that's a massive caveat, but you know what? Aside from a couple of wobbles, it was fine. I don't go with the argument that it's harder for mothers at all, tbh.

I knew that mine was with his dad, his grandparents, cousins etc and having an absolute ball. If he'd been with me he'd have missed that (not much in the way of family on my side - but I was with friends so not exactly sobbing alone into my ready-meal). It was about making Christmas as good as possible for the dc, and not about how I felt.

A few years down the line and he's spending Christmas and Boxing day mainly with his dad and dad's family, but the run up with me, his stepsibs and my dp. It's all cool.

1stX · 21/12/2017 13:39

are you going to your parents on Christmas Day? As it’s the first one apart could she come over to see your child before you set off to your family and she goes to hers?

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 21/12/2017 13:40

I'm not a big fan of children travelling around on Christmas Day. It seems to me that that's mostly about what suits the parents, not what suits the child

AcrossthePond55 · 21/12/2017 13:43

I think you should stick to the original agreement. Less disruptive than whisking DS off in the middle of the day.

Dads can miss their children just as much as mums do. And I don't think that 'whoever does the most gets Christmas'. It's about the child, not about tit for tat.

Just a 'by the way' with the caveat that I live in notoriously car-dependent California, but don't you think it would be a good idea for you to learn to drive (assuming there's no reason you can't)? There's going to be a lot of to-and-fro as divorced parents and I'd think it would be much easier all round to be able to drive on one's own rather than using public transport or depending on family.

natwebb79 · 21/12/2017 13:43

Has she said how she thinks splitting the day willwork whrn neither of you drive and there won't be any public transport running? For what it's worth I think you're in the right here OP. You have 50/50 custody and you both agreed on what you would do.

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 13:45

I agree all - although in our case it's just me running ds to his dad's in the morning after present opening and breakfast, so it's not too bad (other than the fact I won't be able to have any champagne with breakfast Grin ).

It's usually about an hour, but will be faster as there's zero traffic on Christmas morning.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 13:47

Sounds like spending time with your family is more important to you than spending time with your son. If your family is so important, let his Mum have him.

TabbyMumz · 21/12/2017 13:47

So...she works at a nursery, has a violent temperament and threw a punch at you in the past when you were holding DS....that's a good scenario that?! Shock

Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:47

He doesn’t “get to decide everything”, it was his family’s turn this year anyway and his plan is far better for DS.

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 13:48

I agree, Across - yes it's not essential to drive in many parts of the UK, but it makes life immeasurably easier if you have children, especially where shared residency is involved.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 21/12/2017 13:48

I might get into trouble for saying this but why would Mum be more upset than Dad not having the kids on xmas day?

I think (and preparing to get told I'm talking shite Xmas Grin) that typically it will be the mum who is the resident parent, and doing the majority of the grunt work involved in child-rearing.

Typically, there is also a higher likelihood that the dad will be in a new relationship sooner than the mum, which means that even if he doesn't have the children on the day, chances are he's not going to be stuck dwelling on it/on their own. Again, based on my own observations.

The date does matter to a lot of people - look at all the adverts where you've got the mum fussing in the kitchen to get the big family dinner ready, or sitting wrapping presents until 2 in the morning. Women, consciously or unconsciously and generally, place a lot of pressure on themselves at this time of year to have everything perfect. As the countless Christmas Angst threads on here demonstrate.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:50

What bollocks sully. Are you really saying that unless OP, who has shared custody, never sees his family on xmas day and stays local to his ex in order to fulfil HER wish to split the day every year he doesn’t care about seeing his son?

Rubbish.

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 13:51

Op's family is also his son's family Sulla - the child has a right to spend Christmas with these people.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 13:51

Sounds like spending time with your family is more important to you than spending time with your son. If your family is so important, let his Mum have him

What utter and complete nonsense

stitchglitched · 21/12/2017 13:52

Well with the Mum's suggestion both of them would see their DS on xmas day, with his suggestion it just so happens that the child spends all of xmas with him and doesn't see the Mum at all. Yes it will alternate next year but the first year separated it is hard, and I can understand why he is upset. He has got everything the way he wanted, the Mum has got nothing she wanted. So to me it seems like he has dictated things and got his way. Whether it is better for the child or not is a decision for both parents and I don't think one happy parent and one heartbroken one is a good outcome for anyone.

Floellabumbags · 21/12/2017 13:53

You're not being a dick. It sounds like she's trying to manipulate you and I think you need to hold firm.

I really object to the notion that mothers are more emotionally invested in their kids and, therefore, have rights on Christmas day.

AdaColeman · 21/12/2017 13:55

You've said several times Smeags that you feel your way of dividing the holiday is best for your little boy.

So in the spirit of Christmas goodwill, why not keep to those planned days/hours but with the change of the child's mother having him on Christmas Day etc, rather than him being with you. You will have him next Christmas.

This is the first of your separate Christmas Days, those family arrangements you had in the past are over now.

It would be a generous gesture to your little boy and to his Mum to let them have Christmas Day together.

It won't be too hard to be without your DS for the day, as you will be with your family, and after all you expect your Ex to manage without seeing him.

Whatever you finally do, I hope you all enjoy your Christmas.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 13:57

"We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work , as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together "

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