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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 22/12/2017 17:56

Don't really understand the joint custody thing as surely at some point one of you will have to be the primary home for schools etc. Which most of the time would be the mum.

Not necessarily - DDs dad and I have 50/50 custody and her school records have both our addresses on and both her dad and I as contacts. It is not impossible.

And as for the Christmas issue, DD9 was brought up on Spain so we have two Christmases - one on December 25th and one on January 6th - we have always agreed that we will alternate each year, so this year DD is with her dad on December 25th and with me in January and next year I will have her for December 25th. What is important for us is celebrating, not the date.

natwebb79 · 22/12/2017 18:05

@Queenamongstmen I should imagine it's pretty tricky to convince a court that a father should have 100% custody at the best of times. And unfortunately I know more than one woman who has continued to make excuses for an abusive partner. Abuse can weaken the soul somewhat.

Sullabylullaby · 22/12/2017 18:20

To be honest I think all of our opinions are completely irrelevant to the OP. He was seeking validation for his choice and he has received some. It is utterly pointless pointing out the loss to the child and the mother as the OP doesn't give a shit. His mind is made up. Nothing any of us says will change his mind. It's sad and it's a pity, but that's how I'm reading it.

sailorcherries · 22/12/2017 18:29

Sullaby of course, only mothers feelings count.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2017 18:53

@Sullaby your opinion is nothing but conjecture on a situation you have no clue about: So yeah, pretty irrelevant

honeyroar · 22/12/2017 18:57

Sullaby you only seem to be able to see things from the mother's point of view.

FluffyWhiteTowels · 22/12/2017 19:01

Sully your comments shock me. So aggressive and so dismissive of DV towards men.

No wonder men are so fearful about stating it with people like you

OP. The question is she BU to change at the last minute. YES. And as neither of you drive how could you accommodate a split day unless your dad has to do a 3 hour journey?

Chocolaterainbows · 22/12/2017 19:11

I think sully is projecting her own problems onto the op.like a pp said, her willingness to be so dismissive about the dv because this is a man and not a woman is truly shocking. I think she needs to worry less about this situation and focus on her own.

MissTeri · 22/12/2017 19:53

It is utterly pointless pointing out the loss to the child and the mother as the OP doesn't give a shit. - the loss?? fuck you sound like a right drama llama!

Sullabylullaby · 22/12/2017 20:09

But there was no domestic violence? It's apparently an amicable separation with 50/50 custody. All of us who have our little ones on Christmas morning and Christmas eve can not or do not need to even imagine how painful and lonely that might be. I know it would be pretty unbearable for me. If I knew ds was 100% happy and not missing me at all, I'd be quite happy, but at three? Don't all your little ones want to show Mammy AND Daddy what Santa brought? As parents we have to suck it up sometimes, but three year olds shouldn't have to miss their Mammy on what is for them, the most important day of the year. I just think having Mum over for present opening this year would be the kindest all round. Same for next year. Dad can come for present opening. Is 90 minutes of a commute that traumatic? A lot of people commute that daily to work.

JacquesHammer · 22/12/2017 20:13

But there was no domestic violence

RTFT

Is 90 minutes of a commute that traumatic?

Neither drive. There's no public transport on Christmas Day.

All these points have been covered repeatedly....

myrtleWilson · 22/12/2017 20:13

For the love of god sullaby - how are they going to manage a 90 minute commute when neither of them drive?

MissTeri · 22/12/2017 20:22

All of us who have our little ones on Christmas morning and Christmas eve can not or do not need to even imagine how painful and lonely that might be. ... it wasn't painful or lonely not having my son for a week over Christmas last year. I knew he was having a wonderful time and that's all that mattered to me. He didn't care that he wasn't with me, he was too excited with the Christmas festivities and having fun with his nanna. You make it sound like it's traumatic, it's not, in fact it's quite normal for a LOT of families over Christmas time and granted it's harder (emotionally) for some than others but I hope no one would be as dramatic as you are about it in front of their children.

honeyroar · 22/12/2017 20:23

I typed a long reply to Sully and then deleted it, because she's not taking anything in that isn't "the mother counts more". Not worth interacting with!

Sullabylullaby · 22/12/2017 20:23

Is there no public transport on Christmas day?

myrtleWilson · 22/12/2017 20:24

no - no trains running between Manchester and warrington... no buses....

Sullabylullaby · 22/12/2017 20:25

Ok. Maybe children don't miss their parents. Fair enough. Point taken. No reason to bite my head off.

natwebb79 · 22/12/2017 20:26

Sulla - there was domestic violence. OP's ex was violent and he left her after she punched him in the head while he was holding their child. Please, for the love of goodness, rtft!

honeyroar · 22/12/2017 20:27

Exactly Miss Terri. Seeing parents at Xmas is only stressful for the children if the parents make it feel like it's bad not to see both parents and only the 25th count. Having two meals/present openings and celebrations on the 25th and 26th is a perfectly fun and acceptable Xmas. (Makes them more adaptable in the future when they meet future partners and have to "merge" into other families and traditions)..

JustBeingJobless · 22/12/2017 20:32

Ds’s Dad and I have been separated for 9 years and we’ve always done it that he wakes up here with me, opens pressies, either I cook dinner and family come round, or we go to family, then, after dinner (late afternoon), his dad collects him and he goes there to sleep and has another Christmas Day on Boxing Day. It works well as ds gets his Christmas dinner (ex doesn’t cook) and gets two lots of presents spread over two days.

BitchQueen90 · 22/12/2017 21:04

Sullaby, get a grip. Yes, it's Christmas, but it's just a day. One day out of 365 a year. I did not find it "painful" or "lonely" without my DS. I went to a relative's house for Christmas, had a lovely chat with DS on the phone and then decided that since I didn't have my child I didn't have to watch my alcohol intake and got suitably merry.

All this wailing and moaning does my head in. Like I previously stated, this is the kind of thing you have to do when you're separated. I get along fine with my exh but I certainly don't want to be spending Christmas day with him, or any other day to be honest. Splitting the day would be a pain in the arse as neither of us drive. It works fine. And even though I am the RP and have DS 80% of the time, I'm not going to moan and sulk about one day of the year.

TabbyTigger · 22/12/2017 21:45

Just thought I’d expand on my earlier statement - ex-H left when I was pregnant with DD and together have a DD12 and DS18. When they were very little we alternated - one year they’d have “Mum’s Christmas” on December 25th and “Dad’s Christmas” on December 27th, and the next it’d reverse. Both were, I can guarantee, equally exciting, because when a kid is little what is most exciting about Christmas is presents and Santa, and it just means all of that happens twice. My kids never complained or asked for ex-H and I to be together, and when the arrangement started DS was 6.

Until DS was about 13 and DD was 7 we had 50/50 custody - one week at mine, one week at his.

And Sullaby - my kids still got to show both parents their presents. They’d just have to go through the absolute trauma of waiting a WHOLE 24 hours. I’m sure it really damaged them, but luckily they got over it and are both happy and well adjusted, and still love Christmas.

melj1213 · 22/12/2017 22:19

Sullaby is clearly just being a GF - I even quoted the domestic violence report the OP made in their 3rd update last time they asked about DV and it was completely ignored by her, because it is not what she wants to hear.

I have a DD, I am not going to see her on Christmas day because she will be spending it with her dad and his family. Neither of us are traumatised by this.

Robyrollover · 22/12/2017 22:26

I am a mother, and every other year I do not see my children on Christmas Eve, or on Christmas Day. I love Christmas, really love it, and the first year I sobbed and sobbed all day and it was shit..... for me, but not for the DC, they had a lovely day.

We did it the other way (splitting the day) and it was dreadful for the children, and not that great for us parents either.

OP - stick to your guns. I'm sure your ex will thank you next year when she has the whole day with him rather than clock watching and trying to cram everything into half a day.

Heartofglass12345 · 28/12/2017 13:50

I hope you managed to sort something out and had a lovely christmas

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