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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
mogonfoxnight · 21/12/2017 13:09

I didn't read your updates by accident, so I missed the bit about not driving and why you left her.

Inviting her sounds really nice too. If you get on that is so much better for dc.

Original poster
Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 13:10

Most of the things being posted are stuff we spoke about in October/November. But do you think she's BU to want to change it, only 4/5 days beforehand, now that arrangements have been made? That's what I find frustrating. Just last night, my dad drove up here to pick up all my presents to people. It was too much to carry on a train by myself.

He couldn't do it on Xmas eve and give us a lift at the same time because he'll be too busy then (hes a taxi driver).

To whoever said something along the lines of the mother doing more work throughout the year..... I can actually see why you might say that, given that, usually, the mother usually has more time with the child. I don't think thats the case with us though.

On the days I have him, I work a shorter day, and make the hours up on the days I don't have him. I just love having him around. I've been kicking up a fuss at his nursery too, recently, over another kid attacking him. Something his mum hasn't done (to be fair, she actually works at the nursery! So its an awkward situation for her).

OP posts:
MagicFajita · 21/12/2017 13:11

We've never split Xmas day , we live a 20 minute walk away from each other but it just seems wrong to make the kids travel on the day. We do alternate Xmas days and the parent that doesn't have Xmas day gets boxing day.

Jerseysilkvelour · 21/12/2017 13:12

Are you thinking about what would be best for your son? Your posts seem to be about what you want and what your partner wants. Your DS is young but it won't be very many years before he will want his own input (I'd say two or three yrs....).

My DD is nearly 6, she's been staying with me xmas day and going to her dads on xmas eve and Boxing Day. This year she wanted to spend xmas eve and xmas day with me. No one insisted she stick to the original arrangements made for the parents benefit, we let her decide without pressure.

I can't say I'll be delighted if/when she decides she'd like to spend xmas day there, but I will let her decide.

Another thing, I think her calling up and wanting to change things last minute might be indicative of how picarious your arrangements/friendship actually is. Is she going to be nice if you say no, let's stick to the original arrangement, or is she going to start being shitty with you? If you do go with what she says, is she going to keep pushing and pushing for more of what she wants?

NachoAddict · 21/12/2017 13:13

If neither f you drive you can't really split Christmas day anyway so its a moot point, wo will want to ferry you (or her) on a 3 hour round trip?

MagicFajita · 21/12/2017 13:13

And yes , to change plans so close to the day is unreasonable.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 13:13

But do you think she's BU to want to change it, only 4/5 days beforehand, now that arrangements have been made?

Yes.

We've done it like you @Smeags84 - all amicably and ourselves. We put in place a rule that changes to contact can't be made any less than 28 days before the date unless in an emergency which means we can both make plans without fear of change.

Gerbil17 · 21/12/2017 13:14

I cant say that i believe she is being BU to want to change it so close to the day. Yes...anything else and id probably agree. Only this is a mother, with christmas day fast approaching and having to realise she will not be spending it with her ds. Lots of emotions will be at play for her.

It is the first christmas you have had to make arrangements like this and it is incredibly difficult for a lot of parents.

Original poster
Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 13:16

Thanks for all the replies. I didn't expect so many!

I think its a matter of opinion isn't it. Some people think I'm BU, some people think I'm not being. As I said, I was thinking to myself "Am I being a d**k?" and I can at least see the answer isn't an overwhelming yes... (although some of you think yes ).

Need to get off the computer to do stuff now. But will check back later in a few hours to see whats been said.

Thanks again.

OP posts:
Seasonseatings · 21/12/2017 13:16

Its the first year so why not offer to swap Christmas day with her? gesture of goodwill, for the season of goodwill etc

Next year there will a whole year beyond the break up and easier for everyone.

As the child in this situation I didn't mind breaking up Christmas day, tbh it gave me a bit more energy with the change of scene, so maybe consider it when he is older? or might he nap in the car of you considered that option now?

EmilyChambers79 · 21/12/2017 13:17

What about Christmas Eve 1230 pm till Christmas Day 1pm for one then drop off so the other has him 2pm Christmas Day until Boxing Day then contact as normal.

What are your regular contact days?

Imstickingwiththisone · 21/12/2017 13:18

I think your way is better OP. And I think she is BU to expect plans to be changed at this point especially when it's at an inconvenience to other people who want to enjoy Christmas. In the interests of keeping your relationship amicable and to soften the blow, could you offer her this Xmas and you have next Xmas? I'm with you and would just make boxing day our Christmas, but if she doesn't feel able to do that this year then could you swap things around?

GetOutOfMYGarden · 21/12/2017 13:18

She's being unreasonable to try and change plans a few days before christmas, most definitely. Ignore the PP clearly putting their own situations onto yours. Explain the logistics issue - neither of you drive, you like 90 minutes away, there is no public transport on christmas day, how in the hell does she intend to split it?

You need to get all christmas arrangements in writing in future. None of this changing it all last minute shit in future. It's disruptive to all of your plans and your DS.

WishingOnABar · 21/12/2017 13:19

Reason and emotion rarely work well together.
You don’t sound like a dick to me, it sounds like you have tried to get everything sorted fairly and put a lot of effort into maintaining a good relationship.
I hope you manage to sort something out that keeps everyone happy and you all have a great Christmas regardless

kaytee87 · 21/12/2017 13:20

Sorry I don't have time to read the whole thing as not feeling well but just wanted to say that if the drive was timed for the middle of the day then your son would probably nap for an hour in the car and that could work out well in terms of any tiredness

Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:21

Yanbu and she is BU to seek to change the arrangement that was agreed.

I agree with you that it is much better for DS not to have a “split” xmas day every year involving two lots of extended family and a motorway trip.

AngelsSins · 21/12/2017 13:21

Of course she's being unareasonable to want to change things this close, but it's also completely understandable. Being human means how we feel isn't always reasonable! I get your frustration, but I can understand her upset too, this isn't easy for anyone.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:22

Plenty of DC rarely or never nap in cars.

Original poster
Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 13:22

Jerseysilkvelour...

Thanks. Thats something for me to think about at the end of your post.

To answer to the start of it... I suppose, in part, it is what we want, because he's too young to communicate what he wants himself (but in my thinking, I'm genuinely trying to think about what is best for him. And as said above, I think having two Christmasses is pretty good! To me, It's not just about the presents... its about having dinner together, and seeing family. And he has two big extended families. I think its too much to fit all those people into one day).

OP posts:
Giftdilema · 21/12/2017 13:24

I think the ops way is better.
Doing split days means a small child not getting to enjoy his presents and having to leave his toys he has just opened and everyone rushing Christmas lunch in order to travel.

kaytee87 · 21/12/2017 13:24

@Dozer I haven't met one yet that didn't if it was around a normal nap time. I do concede I haven't met all the children though GrinWink

Dozer · 21/12/2017 13:25

I agree, he will very likely get overwhelmed.

Allthebestnamesareused · 21/12/2017 13:25

We found because of travelling and trying to make it a normal Christmas that we used to do Christmas Eve until 27th every other year and the "other" would get New Year that year.

If you factor in your own going to bed on Christmas Eve/presents and lunch/seeing your side Boxing day etc it just worked better without people stressing to do drop offs, taking child away from extended family etc.

It gets easier the years you don't have them and more special the years you do.

I hope you can work it out.

Lovemusic33 · 21/12/2017 13:26

I think you might need to back down and let her see him Christmas Day. It’s very hard and I know you have just as much right to see him. My dd’s Dad does not see them Christmas Day unless he pops over (he’s welcome to come and see them in the morning), this is for many reasons, he only sees them once a week and rarely helps out with anything, also he has other children and a new GF which he can spend Christmas Day with but I don’t really have anyone (so would be alone). He’s pretty understanding so Agee’s to either have them Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. I would be really upset if I didn’t have my dd’s On Christmas Day as I would be alone.

It sounds like you have plans to go to your parents for Christmas so although it would be hard for you not to see your ds you can still have a good day with your family?

As it’s your first year separated I think I would be inclined to let her have your ds Christmas Eve night until later Christmas Day, then you can have him Christmas Day night and do Christmas no2 on Boxing Day? That way you still get to see him Christmas Day and so does she. We also find spreading Christmas over 2 days makes the fun last longer too.

TheHolidayArmadillo · 21/12/2017 13:26

It's a tricky one. My initial reaction to "it's only a day" is that it's easy to say that when the plans are currently in your favour - if you're happy enough to do your Christmas on boxing day next year, what's the big deal about letting her have this this year? It is very short notice though.

I do agree that the splitting the day in half when neither of you drive sounds like a complete PITA - it would be different if either of you were drivers. If you drove, then the nap would actually be really handy in terms of giving him a rest so he's at his best for the remainder of the day.

What's your usual contact arrangement?