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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:29

At no point has the OP mentioned how his three year old might feel. It's all about the OP, the OPs extended family, the OPs arrangements, the OP, the OP, the OP. Not a word about how his son might feel. Not a single word.

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/12/2017 14:29

Wirral to Manchester on Christmas Day will be an hour tops. At three he may well sleep , if not a new DVD to watch in the car or download a film on a tablet .
Many dc with non seperated parents travel on Xmas day to visit family it's really no big deal.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:30

....let alone how the Mum might feel.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 14:30

I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him

Really? OP isn't considering his son at all?

Stop projecting your emotions onto the OP's situation

burntoutmum · 21/12/2017 14:31

I think it would be lovely if you can share the day together.

I’ve been separated from my Ex since DS ( now 14) was a baby. We’ve never had a plan for Christmas, in the past Ex would have him from Boxing Day evening ( without giving detail it was very convenient for him to have him then and required no effort on his part). DS has never wanted to go for Christmas - if he did I would look into it- but personally I feel I make the biggest effort all year round. Ex shows no interest in DS, has no input in any of his life. Why should he get to then have the best days of the year?! Probably makes me the wicked witch of the west but so be it. I do feel that parents who share care generally should get even share of Christmas though!

iBiscuit · 21/12/2017 14:34

Sulla did you actually read the op? Confused

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:35

Neither of them drive, so he wouldn't be in a car. 3 year olds nap. Particularly on Christmas day when they're up at the crack of dawn.

My solution would be that both parents would be there for Santa's arrival. If that means Mum taking the 90 minute trip there and back, I'm sure she would do it, just to see that little face.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:36

Yes iBiscuit. I read the self-centred OP in its entirety.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:38

The concept of something reasonable months away can be very different to the concept of reality a few days away. 4 days to Christmas day. Mum is starting to realise just what she has agreed to.

ItsAllABitStrangeReally · 21/12/2017 14:38

Just invite the ex to spend Christmas with you.

It neednt be awkward, she's always going to be part of your family really. There's no reason for them to start treating each other any differently. Particularly if youre still able to get on.

EleanorXx · 21/12/2017 14:39

How is the op self-centred?

swingofthings · 21/12/2017 14:40

I separated from my ex when the kids were 18mths and 3yo. We'd always spent xmas with his family as I come from abroad and my parents are there. When we separated, we thankfully remained friendlish and his wonderful family welcome me at xmas so we made an effort for xmas and we both got to see our children.

Then he got with his partner and she insisted that he should have them for the whole day so they could go and spend the day with her family. They spent weeks polluting their brain about how fun it would be, how they would be many other kids etc...and ex was so horrible to me that in the end I agreed. I spent all xmas day crying my eyes out on my own as I couldn't afford to fly to see my family. Ironically, I ended having dinner with my ex's family who felt sorry for me.

The year after he assume that I would have them for Xmas but he would have them for boxing day. I asked him how he would feel if like him, I would only think about myself and decided to take the kids to my family for 10 days? The thing is I would never have done that, even though I would have loved to because it wouldn't have been fair on the kids. We asked the kids what would be their favourite arrangement and both said that really, their best day would be to spend xmas with both of us. So since then, that's what we've done, they do Xmas'eve and morning one place and then travel to the other (which we share).

The kids are now 18 and 15, do what they want, but still would rather spend time at both. Despite the travel, I think most kids would rather see both their parents on what is such a special day to them.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 14:41

Mum is starting to realise just what she has agreed to

And it isn't fair to make changes 4 days before

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:42

I think it's the most unnatural thing to wake up on Christmas morning and not have your little one with you to see their face when Santa has come.

You read several threads on here daily about mothers separated in hospital due to illness in new-borns and it has long-lasting effects on the mother.

A previous agreement of where to spend Christmas should go out the window now that they are separated. The goal-posts have moved.

diddl · 21/12/2017 14:44

"I think it would be lovely if you can share the day together."

I agree.

Other family can be seen on other days of the holiday.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:45

What's unfair? It's not as if any massive changes need to be made?

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 14:46

I think it's the most unnatural thing to wake up on Christmas morning and not have your little one with you to see their face when Santa has come

Hmm

The superiority complex hitting you hard there? The chorus of "oh I could NEVER do it" makes me chuckle. The subtext being "I'm so much MORE a mother"

Grin
Thisnamechanger · 21/12/2017 14:48

Can't help but think if genders were reverse and Dad had tried to punch Mum while she was holding DS this thread would be going very differently...

TheHolidayArmadillo · 21/12/2017 14:50

Same Thisnamechanger. Everyone would be wondering why the violent person is the primary carer, and that would be what the thread focused on.

Which is why people are sceptical.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:53

No Jacques. Because I have experienced just that.

MissTeri · 21/12/2017 14:54

I'm agree with you OP. When my ex and I split we agreed to alternate, although he left the scene very quickly and disappeared into the ether never to be seen again (kind of - he has no involvement by his own choice put it that way. However his family are still involved, his mum lives 100s of miles away but is very much a big part of my sons life - last Christmas I gave her the opportunity of having my son over Christmas and she jumped at the chance. Of course I missed him but it wasn't like some overwhelming loss that I didn't see him Christmas morning nor did I feel it 'cruel' in anyway. I gave his nan my presents for him so he still had those Christmas morning and of course I phoned him, I knew she would make Christmas really special for him and they have that special memory of the time they spent Christmas together. I don't feel I missed out at all, I was just glad they got to have a great time together.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 14:54

Probably the one Christmas I will never forget. For all the wrong reasons.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 21/12/2017 14:56

I'm sure I'm going to get some negative responses to this post but anyway - half your problem here appears to be that neither of you drive.
If you did, then it would be a much simpler proposition for you to share Christmas Day, and your DS could use the journey time to have a sleep, awaking refreshed for round 2 at the next place!

I can see your ex's point of view and, given how little he is, I think I'd feel the same in her situation - but over all I think your solution is the better of the 2. Just maybe not this year, even though she had him at her family's last year as well.

Since you left the relationship (and no blame to you there, but it was your decision) then she will be waking up on Christmas Day with no partner and no child - a rough proposition at Christmas, when it wasn't your choice, iyswim.

I'm just throwing thoughts around really - I think she shouldn't have left it this late to re-visit your arrangement, but I totally sympathise with her feelings. Can you make it work that you get him over to hers in the afternoon on Christmas Day, or pick him up in the afternoon from hers on Christmas Day? Do you have someone who could drive you? But make it clear, if you do accommodate her this year, that next year you will expect the same sort of consideration from her!

Altwoo · 21/12/2017 14:57

You are doing exactly what we have suggested for stepkids. Our concern was about them being ferried to us halfway through their day, rather than being able to relax and play with their presents. We also felt two christmases in one day is overwhelming.

It took a lot of convincing (we will have them Boxing Day this year), and I suspect next year the Mum will want to go back to splitting the day so that she can still see them on Xmas Day.

One poster mentioned they had a rule about no changes within 28 days - I think this is really sensible. She hasn’t given you enough notice, and Xmas is too stressful to change at the last minute.

If she can at least try it this year, if it’s awful you can reevaluate it for future years.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 21/12/2017 15:00

The OP mentioned the violence and the fact that he's parenting more than EOW later on the thread.

I think yanbu to be mad at the lack of notice and under the circumstances being a mum doesn't trump dad when it's Xmas. My ex has 2 out of 3 of my kids 1 day a fortnight and 10 days during the summer (1 kid is nc with him) and sucking up the fact that they won't wake up here on Xmas day.

Caving in this year could set the precedent for mum pulling this stunt every year. Spending it all together is very kind and may work this year but should either of you get new partners then it's unlikely yo be tolerated in future.