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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
sailorcherries · 21/12/2017 17:47

If a woman had posted this thread she would be told to hold fast to her prior arrangement.

If a woman writes about DV she doesn't get questioned.

If a woman writes about shared contact and DV she isn't called a liar.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:51

You think a three year old doesn't miss his mum?

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 17:53

Sullabylullaby

Of course he misses his mum. And his dad.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 17:54

You think a three year old doesn't miss his mum

The OP does shared care. He might miss his mum, just like he might miss his dad.

Christmas is a concept to him. Not a date.

A 3 year old will have two fab xmases surrounded by family. Where's the cruelty?

Julie8008 · 21/12/2017 17:56

Your separated, you should have alternate Christmas days every year.

She is unreasonable for wanting to change arrangements at last minute.
It will mess with your DC head if you act like your 'still a family' over Christmas.
Christmas day is as much about extended families as it is the two parents.
Public transport on xmas day, nothing could go wrong there then, especially if you cant drive.
Mother does not deserve any of your pity, she is being selfish, even if she does miss her DC.
If you give in to her ridiculous requests now, she will keep asking for more.
Think about what this means for the future, this could set a precedent. Things will change, do you really want to spend Christmas day with your ex for the next decade.

Your ex needs to suck it up and you need to stick to the boundaries your agreed. If she is a nice person she will come to realise it was for the best.

Ilovetolurk · 21/12/2017 18:05

I can't actually believe some of the responses to this thread 😳 People suggesting OP invite his violent ex who assaulted him while he was holding their child To spend xmas morning

And yet OP and the violent xp as have been co-parenting amicably for months

He even says they’re friends in his OP

sailorcherries · 21/12/2017 18:05

sully when he is with dad he may miss his mum, when he is with mum he may miss his dad.

He will get to spend a day with one family and then a day with another doing fun, loving, family things twice.

Surely having dad there playing happy families for the present opening and then leaving, or leaving mum behind and going with dad, is more upsetting and damaging?

Or does that not matter because mum gets what she wants and mum would be beside herself otherwise?

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 18:07

Oh well, I'm bowing out now. I am currently facing the dilemma of whether to go into hospital or to see my children for Christmas at home (different countries, so not as if they can visit me).
That's after five days in hospital where things worsened but hey ho, I'm no doc and you can't make decisions for yourself in hospital can you.

Life is not always easy. Don't make it harder than it needs to be.

BitchQueen90 · 21/12/2017 18:10

My exh and I do alternate Christmas with DS every year. Last year was the first year he was with his dad and not me.

Did I miss seeing his face on Christmas day? Of course I did. But sometimes you just have to suck these things up. When you're separated then this is the kind of thing you have to do!

SpottedOnMN · 21/12/2017 18:19

I absolutely hate the Christmasses when I don't have my kids, but they have an actively involved dad and he loves them too, so I get on with it. Swapping in the middle of Christmas Day would be horribly disruptive so 'Christmas' runs from teatime Christmas Eve to 9am Boxing Day. The rest of the time we're off work over Christmas is split to make it fairly even.

SpottedOnMN · 21/12/2017 18:20

To clarify, we alternate. And agreeing Christmas dates is the most difficult negotiation of the year.

Tillymintsmama · 21/12/2017 18:23

it's not called 'custody' anymore Xmas Confused

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 18:26

it's not called 'custody' anymore pfconfused

And yet it's fairly obvious what the OP meant. It's a fairly universally understood term in conversation, no?

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 21/12/2017 18:40

it's not called 'custody' anymore

You're the only person out of all the posters on this thread to point this out..do you feel special now, here...have some attention.

IncyWincyGrownUp · 21/12/2017 19:05

Is anybody else getting the impression that Sully is the aggrieved mother and is having a full on wobbler because not many people agree with her?

Far fetched I know, but good grief it’s fucking boring to listen to.

The situation was decided ages ago. Five days notice is not enough. Mum needs to get a grip and sort herself some plans out, like dad will have to next year.

swingofthings · 21/12/2017 19:17

I agree with the poster who had all the questions about who did all the work to prepare for Xmas.
My ex played the 'I don't see why I should be seen as less important because I'm dad' card. What he kept quiet about is the fact that he didn't pay maintenance, never sorted out childcare, only had the kids during the day until they were old enough to look after themselves when they woke up at 6am. He didn't even go to see DD when she had an operation, not at the hospital, but not even when she came home.

The list of all what he failed to do as a dad was long, but hey ho, he's dad so how dared I consider that maybe I did have more right to enjoy Xmas day with them then he did, and that's not considering that the kids got to see me as their main carer, the person they wanted when they had nightmare, were sick, but surprise surprise, also wanted to be with most to share the magic of Christmas.

sailorcherries · 21/12/2017 19:19

I'm assuming that your ex does not have 50/50 care of your children swing, unlike the OP?

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 21/12/2017 19:21

swingofthings

Did you not read the part about OP having 50/50 care?

MycatsaPirate · 21/12/2017 19:42

When my dp's ex left him their DD was 5 years old. She is now 14 and he hasn't had her over Xmas eve into Xmas day since she was 4 and both parents were together.

Simply because mum wanted her at home. Well of course she did, but it doesn't mean that dad didn't want her with him either. Dad was 'allowed' to have DD 8 nights a month but sometimes got a lot more time when ex went on holiday and he would have to change his working hours and arrange childcare at very short notice.

Dp's ex lived a 3 minutes walk from us, and dp was always told he could have DD on Xmas day from about 2.30pm onwards. Without fail, every year, we didn't get her until 5pm or later because 'dinner ran late' or 'relatives came over'.

DP never made a fuss. He was grateful for the time he saw his DD on Xmas day but it's shit that dads are perceived to be the ones mentally equipped NOT to see their children wake up on Xmas day.

I had one Xmas morning without my dc and it was horrible. But my ex insisted he wanted them and I said yes, fine. It was the only Xmas he had them because he quite simply couldn't cope with two excited children and found it far too much effort. My dc was disappointed with his lack of effort and not really buying them anything, just giving money. What 6 year old just wants cash on Xmas day??

So my girls have always been with me since. But even now, we still buy DSD a load of stuff, wrap it up, drop it with relatives who pass it onto her when they have their 'family' day which dp is never invited to.

He never gets a phone call to say thank you or happy Xmas. He doesn't get any acknowledgement whatsoever that she has even opened the presents. Same with her birthday.

Her mum did a great job alienating him over the last few years and basically undermined dp.

Some men don't deserve to see their children at all, never mind on Xmas day but the vast majority are good men, good dads and should be given the chance to share in the day.

Cathmidston · 21/12/2017 22:11

FFS Just move the day!
Christmas Day in our house is which ever day I decide it will be.... it’s a perfect stress free solution especially when confronted with a very difficult or anusive ex.
If I was the Op I would let the ex have the 25th and move our Christmas Day to the 27th or whichever worked best. Simple x

GetOutOfMYGarden · 21/12/2017 23:57

People saying move the day seem to be forgetting OP has made arrangements with the family. If his ex had told him when this was arranged that he'd have his DS on boxing day those arrangements would have been made for the day he had his DS, most likely!

SD1978 · 22/12/2017 00:05

I agree with you. I find it fairer for the child to do alternate years. When you only have the morning, there’s no time to enjoy the gifts, it’s open, barely play, go. This is about the kids, not the adults. Next year, you’ll be feeling the same way, you’ll miss him, but that’s part of seperated life. I would stick to the original arrangements, and remind her that she will have him next year.

thegoodnamesarealltaken · 22/12/2017 00:05

I completely understand why the Mum would want to see her son on Christmas Day, and agree with others that it may be hard for her, but she is being U by doing this so close to Christmas - especially when it had been agreed upon last month.

SD1978 · 22/12/2017 00:14

I really don’t like the assumption that the uterus rules and dictated the Christmas arrangements. He has 50/50- he loves his son as much as his ex does. He left her as she was violent and abusive- but her feels should automatically trump his, her feelings should be more important than his? He left when she hit him, whilst holding their child- on a different thread, this was a hanging offence when the OP was threatened, not actually struck. Neither of them are more important, they are both parents, and they agreed not to split the day. They don’t drive- either of them, so to suddenly split 4 days out would be hard. I also would love to hear from OP next year if he splits this year, if she is as accomodations if they decide to make this a new arrangement. I highly doubt it.

littlebird55 · 22/12/2017 00:14

A shared christmas day is the only way forward. A mid day nap will be good for everyone and it keeps everyone happy.
You have to discount what happened last year, you were together the, you are not now.

He is still a baby and deserves to see you both, adjust your arrangements for them, they are your priority. Get this right and every other xmas is likely to be amicable, force the issue and you are really are storing up ill feeling to say the least. Don't push it, be gentle, be kind. All will be well with some middle ground.

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