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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Custody of 3 year old son at Xmas?

330 replies

Smeags84 · 21/12/2017 11:45

Hi. I'm a dad to a 3 year old son. I split up with his mum in February this year so this will be our first Xmas separated.

Since we split, we arranged joint custody of our son by ourselves. Its worked out fine. After the initial couple of months which were tough, we're now friends with each other too.

Sorting out Christmasses took longer. We talked about it in October/November, and finally came to an agreement in mid-November. It hasn't been spoken about since we agreed.

My family live in the Wirral, and hers in Manchester. Before we split, we alternated Christmasses. (one year with my family, one year with her family, etc.). Last year was with her family.

Heres where we disagree: Back when we spoke about it, I wanted to alternate Xmas's with our son. And whoever doesnt have him Xmas day gets to spend boxing day and Christmas eve morning with him. And he effectively gets two Christmasses (xmas day and boxing day).
She wants him to spend half the day with each of us. The problem I saw with her way was the distance between us. Its a 60-90min drive. I think thats disruptive to him... I dont think he'd want to spend that time on Xmas day in a car. I also think it would be too busy for him. Last year, he was knackered, with having so many people there, and it being a really busy day. Her way, we'd be doubling the number of people, with him seeing two families, all fussing over him.

We eventually agreed to do my idea, in part because we were able to split his birthday which is only a month before Xmas. It was also agreed I could have him this year because of the fact that last year, we spent it with her family. This was all sorted out mid-November.

Last night, December 20th, she called me, upset, that she wont see him at all on Xmas day and brought up the arguments again.... and we just repeated the stuff we said over and over again, months ago, with her saying she wants to split the day. I'll be speaking to her again tonight.
I'm frustrated because I thought we had agreed, and we've made arrangements now too. Plus, I think this is best for DS. I think her way is just more messing about for him, on an already busy day.

AIBU to just say to her "Look, we've already agreed whats happening on Xmas, and its too late to be trying to change plans" (worded in a nicer way of course).

Appreciate your advice as I'm wondering if I'm being a d**k? I appreciate that its not nice, not seeing your child on Xmas day, but its going to be the same for me next year.

(We did consider other options, such as spending the day together, but this wouldn't work, as we both want to see our families. For me, its pretty much the only time of year I get to see my entire family all together).

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:58

Elton, my son would want to see me on Christmas day. That's why it would break my heart. He'd just be bursting to show me all he got.

Certainly I would get extreme joy out of the same experience, but it would be his sadness that would be making me sad.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 16:59

Which is why BOTH should see their son. Not just one holding a monopoly.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/12/2017 17:00

Leaving it fairly late to attempt to change could be reasonable or unreasonable

It seams odd to me that you wanted A she wanted B yet the agreement is A rather than some type of compromise which could of course be C

And I do think using a previous arrangement made when you were a family acting together is a bit much to rely on in order to say well I get this year.

Did she really agree or did she just back down because you pushed?

Your making a fuss about toddlers behaving like toddlers at a nursery which also happens to be her place of work gives me a clue that you may not be as reasonable and well balanced as your trying to portray yourself IME people who do that tend to be belligerent arguementative sorts

stitchglitched · 21/12/2017 17:01

The ex seems to recognise they are both his parents, hence her asking as far back as October for the day to be shared. It's the OP who thinks other relatives should be prioritised.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 17:01

This reply has been deleted

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stitchglitched · 21/12/2017 17:03

The only double standards are that if a woman's ex was violent she'd be berated for agreeing to 50-50 and not protecting her kids but the man has 50-50 and it makes him a saint.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 21/12/2017 17:11

If a woman posted that her ex punched her whilst she was holding the baby she would get trashed for not running as far away as possible as quickly as possible in the most dramatic fashion possible.
If she then added that he worked with vulnerable people she would be hounded for pages and pages if she didn’t report it to the authorities.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:12

If I had a choice between spending Christmas Day with my extended relatives or with making my son happy on Christmas Day by tolerating my ex for a few hours in order to make him happy, I know what choice I would make.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:14

If the OP only sees these elusive relatives once a year, they ain't all that important really.

To the Mum however, her son is everything.

SunnySkiesSleepsintheMorning · 21/12/2017 17:16

Sullaby You may not agree with the OP but your comments about DV are vile.

Whinesalot · 21/12/2017 17:16

Tell her it will be worse next year for you as a 4 year old will enjoy xmas more than a 3 year old.

stitchglitched · 21/12/2017 17:16

I've never seen a female victim of DV post about it in the casual way the OP did, as an afterthought once he was questioned about why he left her. Prior to that talking about how they get on well, are friends, amiable with contact arrangements and he was confident enough to argue his view of how xmas should be and 'persuade' her into it. The women who have been punched and beaten are usually still terrified, going through court or involving SS to keep their kids safe and desperately trying to keep it together.

diddl · 21/12/2017 17:17

"The only double standards are that if a woman's ex was violent she'd be berated for agreeing to 50-50 "

I agree.

Op's ex wasn't just violent towards him if she threw a punch whilst he was holding their child.

Yet he didn't try for full residency(?)?

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:18

The OP and some others do not seem to get the concept that things are different now. It's not a case of we, as a family, will spend every other year with either family.
This is now a situation where a little boy is left (with no decision in the matter) with not seeing his Mum on Christmas day.
That's just sad.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:21

Stitchglitched, you seem to be reading the same thread as me. I agree with everything you've posted.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:23

What's going to happen for his birthday? He'll have two birthdays?
Honestly OP. YABU.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:26

Does Santa come twice to children of separated parents? No.
There is only one Christmas day. At the tiny age of three, a little boy will not understand why he can't show his presents to Mammy. It's cruel.
Nothing anyone will tell me, no matter how deranged they call me, will convince me otherwise.

LemonShark · 21/12/2017 17:27

I can't actually believe some of the responses to this thread 😳 People suggesting OP invite his violent ex who assaulted him while he was holding their child To spend xmas morning with them, because his ex is now having a wobbly about something she agreed to ages ago!?

OP would you even feel safe?

You had an agreement with her, stick to it. It's no more painful for her to spend xmas without him than it would be for you to spend xmas without him. The mothers in this thread saying unequivocally 'I will never spend xmas without my kids whatever the situation however illogical I'm being' obviously don't realise how selfish and callous they're being 😳

the whole thing is a bit moot isn't it OP if you can't drive? The option of taking him elsewhere halfway through the day isn't there unless you can afford a 90 min taxi ride at double fare. And back. You need to learn to drive asap if you live so far from your co parent or you're gonna be snookered in emergencies.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 17:27

Does Santa come twice to children of separated parents? No

No because Santa brings one present. The rest are from who they're from.

You've got a very bizarre idea of "cruel" if you think a loving Xmas with relatives is cruel.

Are you separated Sullaby?

diddl · 21/12/2017 17:29

I also see where you are coming from, Sullaby.

It's easy for Op to say that Christmas Day together wouldn't work as they both want to see family.

He's not the one facing it without his son.

I can't imagine either would see family if the chance of CD with their son was on offer.

Sullabylullaby · 21/12/2017 17:37

Simple solution. Both parents together for Santa's arrival. Then go their separate ways. Everyone happy then.
But NO. An agreement was reached in October.

BrownLiverSpot · 21/12/2017 17:39

OP why are you so adamant to stick to an arrangement from when you and your ex were together? You see it as a case of you saw her family last year so now it's your time to see your family. Could you think of it as your DC saw his mum and dad at Christmas last year, this year only one of his parents.

Tbh, it seems that whatever you and your ex decide on the day it will be your DC who will lose out.

JacquesHammer · 21/12/2017 17:42

Tbh, it seems that whatever you and your ex decide on the day it will be your DC who will lose out

He'll get two wonderful Xmas days. The son won't lose out at all.

Chocolaterainbows · 21/12/2017 17:44

JacquesHammer

I agree. The son at 3 will be none the wiser. It will only become a big deal if the parents keep banging on about it.

Dozer · 21/12/2017 17:46

There isn’t a compromise solution. Either OP has to spend Xmas local to his ex and he and DS not see his family, or DS has to do a car ride and have a hectic day.

when parents share custody and the DS will be used to being cared by either one, a 90min car journey and hectic day is far worse than not seeing one parent on xmas day.

OP didn’t say he only sees his family once a year, but that he only sees them all together rarely.

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