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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go back to work even if my DH doesn't want me to?

136 replies

user1499434529 · 21/12/2017 08:19

First post, sorry if I miss anything, I'll try and be as clear as I can.
My DSs (4 and nearly 6) have always had me home as after my first maternity leave the business I worked for closed down and my eldest was only a year old when I found out I was pregnant again.
Since my DH works shifts 4 days, 4off, 4 nights it was great as we had a nice amount of time together as a family especially if he took holiday- 12 days off in one block.
His job meant we were financially ok but sometimes going into overdraft and had to be careful with money. He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house. I do all the housework and child related things for school, paperwork etc. He does any DIY that needs doing as that is what he worked previously before his current job (which he hates due to some people he has to work with at times)
I have now been offered a job starting beginning of January which is perfect as it's term time only, working at a secondary school in the field I studied for, he was great when I first went for the interview and told his family I got the job, praised me etc.
The job is full time meaning I had to ask my friend (discussed this before even attending the interview and she will be paid for it) to take DSs to school with her son (DS2 best friend) and pick them up, meaning they will be with her for an hour in the morning and just over one hour after school. No alternative such as breakfast or afternoon club available at the school. DS2 will have 30 hours funded hopefully but at the moment will have to pay for the extra sessions. Pick up/drop off is only needed when DH is working and due to work pattern it changes every week.
Now less than a few days later he keeps arguing with me saying that I only took the job sonthat I don't have to do the house work, that I expect him to do it all in his 4 days off (I never even said anything as I knew it would cause arguments) I suggested we do things together as we are a team but he kept saying how I want him to do it all even though he will be working more than me! Sad
He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down and they're pushed from pillar to post and dumped on my friend and he is not happy that someone else will be taking them to school as no one is better than a parent.
Another argument was that I should have just gone for a PT job term time but when I pointed out that I've been looking for one for over a year and there aren't any he just said he told me there wouldn't be. Or gone for a better paid FT job (wouldn't be able to as been out of employment for 6 years so limited experience) so he can go PT. my job is paid better than other local alternatives and being term time childcare in the holidays won't be an issue.
He has taken all excitement out of starting the new job as I know he will keep complaining about it and starting arguments but praising me for it in front of other people so he doesn't seem unreasonable to them.
Not sure if AIBU for wanting to start work or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
LoveInTokyo · 21/12/2017 08:24

YADNBA.

The longer you wait to get back into work the harder it will be. You need to take the plunge and he should be supporting you.

Get a weekly cleaner if you think that will help.

And congrats on your new job.

Neverender · 21/12/2017 08:25

YANBU and you'll only really know if it works if you give it a go. You can always leave!

reetgood · 21/12/2017 08:26

I think he is being unreasonable. Why can’t he take the kids to school on his days off, if he’s so concerned re the arrangement? It’s a bit concerning that he expresses one view in private, and another in public. Not sure I’ve got a lot of informed opinion on what you do in response to that, but wanted to bump for you. Is he controlling in other aspects of relationship, or is this reaction unexpected?

user1493413286 · 21/12/2017 08:27

If you want to go back to work then go back! This job sounds perfect in terms of hours and that doesn’t easily come up. Jobs that allow you to do the school run and holidays are like gold dust so you’ll be looking for possibly a long time.
I don’t really understand his issue apart from him having to do a bit more round the house? His reasons about the children are ridiculous; you’ll be spending lots of time with them and it’s healthy for children to see their parents working.

LoveInTokyo · 21/12/2017 08:27

Also, I don't want to jump on the LTB bandwagon, but some of your husband's behaviour is clearly unacceptable. Praising you in public whilst criticising you in private is a classic example - and he knows he is in the wrong because otherwise he wouldn't treat you differently when other people are around.

There are a couple of warning bells about your relationship here which makes it even more important for you to get back to work and regain some financial independence so you have the freedom to consider your options should you wish to at a later date.

Rhodiolia · 21/12/2017 08:30

Your husband is a dick.

Unfinishedkitchen · 21/12/2017 08:31

His attitude demonstrates why you need to take this job. He sounds very controlling and manipulative and is a 1950s throwback. Ensure you have financial independence.

RolfNotRudolf · 21/12/2017 08:32

YANBU - and the fact that he is raising spurious objections makes that very clear. You really do not want to be financially dependent on someone who sees your worth as based on your ability to do the housework so he doesn't have to.

Fishlegs · 21/12/2017 08:33

Congratulations on your new job!

My dh would bloody love me to stop work, he thinks I would do all the house stuff, all childcare and iron his shirts (!)

I tell him to feck off, and this is precisely what you should be saying to your dh. I wouldn't give up my financial independence for anyone.

Penfold007 · 21/12/2017 08:33

He doesn't want to do any of the housework, parenting or take on any of the mental load involved. Take the job.

newdaylight · 21/12/2017 08:33

He's being completely unreasonable. Loads of families manage when both working, he should be expected to do housework and in what decade does he think he's living in?

WipsGlitter · 21/12/2017 08:34

YANBU.

However are you paying your friend there's lots of threads here where people get into these informal childcare arrangements and then regret it.

Going from SAHM to full time will be an adjustment for everyone.

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2017 08:35

He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house

Fuck me, what is he some sort of throwback from the 50s? He wants a housekeeper and doesn't wish to do anything with the kids or home? He doesn't see the relationship as equal, your place is in the home?.

Tell him to go fuck himself the next time he mentions it, that this is 2017 and decent men do their fair share around the house and with kids.

His issue is not uou working, his issue is he doesn't want to do any work round the house or with the kids. I don't know how you can be with a man like that without kneeing him in the balls and walking.

Set a good example to your kids and you do your job.

And congratulations on getting it!

timeisnotaline · 21/12/2017 08:36

It is not ok. When he says something supportive in public you need to challenge - say he's only saying that because he knows he should, he's not at all happy about me going back to work and not being able to do all the housework and childcare for us anymore. I thought that was a small children thing not a life sentence! And in private ditto. He's being very very selfish. Yes darling you will have to help with the housework. This is because you have a house, and have never hired a housekeeper. Wives aren't quite the same thing.

pastabest · 21/12/2017 08:37

It's clearly just dawned on him that his cozy little him breadwinner/you housewife dynamic is going to come to an end and he might actually have to pull his weight a bit more.

Oh well.

glow1984 · 21/12/2017 08:38

Congratulations on the new job

I agree with PP, he just wants you as a glorified housekeeper. Please don’t stand for it, and go back to work. You will be better financially in the long run, and maybe even mentally too. With kids that age, there is no need for you to be at home.

Your OH needs to step up and start contributing equally.

123bananas · 21/12/2017 08:39

Just do the job and get a cleaner. There will be less mess with everyone out of the house all day anyway.

If he still insists on being a dick then make plans to secure your future away from him. Squirrel some money into a separate saving account for that purpose if required.

Ashamedandblamed · 21/12/2017 08:39

However are you paying your friend there's lots of threads here where people get into these informal childcare arrangements and then regret it.

Are you a joke. Read the thread ffs

She is paying her friend !

CantSleepClownsWillEatMe · 21/12/2017 08:40

A term time only job is pretty much the holy grail for a mum of young dc returning to paid employment, they don't come round too often!

He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house.

^^ Oh did he now Hmm?

What about what you want? Or does that not matter? He's very concerned about having to be involved in housework isn't he? Oh and he's being really low to suggest your dc are being "pushed from pillar to post" that's ridiculous and very petty.

Sorry but I think your DH is being a dick and he's clearly very focused on "roles" with him obviously as The Great Provider who couldn't be expected to do menial shit like housework, oh the horror Shock. Take the job Op and tell him to grow the fuck up.

chaplin1409 · 21/12/2017 08:40

I would go for the job still as the longer you leave it the harder it is. Also term time jobs are hard to find. Also if he works 4 days 4 days off 4 nights is tha right? Then it's only 4 days out of 12 they will go to your friends?

EmilyChambers79 · 21/12/2017 08:41

Don't know where you live but school term time jobs are like hens teeth round here. I'd definitely take it if the only for the fact I could be home for school holidays.

I work three days a week for the purpose of allowing me two days at home each school holiday.

I don't want to assume he's controlling, though I'm sure someone will be along soon to tell you to leave him could it be that you've been at home for so long that he's worried about the change as it's new to him?

The children will be fine, they are not really being pushed from pillar to post, it what most children with working parents have to do. Maybe find a childminder that does the school run so at least they are consistent and reliable incase your friend can't do it etc.

With regards to housework, the house won't need much attending to if you are all out of the house during the week. I'd point out that on his days off, school run falls to him, taking care of children and home doesn't end with bringing money into the house, it involves all aspects of family life.

Congratulations on getting the job too! I hope you take it.

LemonShark · 21/12/2017 08:41

He sounds like a nob and borderline controlling, definitely warning signs for being abusive in the future that he wants you barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen instead of economically active, meeting people, developing your skills and being a more rounded person than just a mother and wife. Disturbing.

Hope you're paying your friend for having your child so often, that's a lot of childcare to expect someone to give for free.

goodbyeeee · 21/12/2017 08:42

YADNBU.

Don't let him sabotage this opportunity for you. He's pissed off because he's realised things will change and he might have to do a bit more. He should be able to adapt and support you. If he can't or won't then I think you need to look seriously at your relationship.

A good friend of mine found a perfect part-time local job. She sorted childcare. Her husband told her she was selfish. When she realised she'd get no support she sabotaged the job herself by making unreasonable requests 're time off to cover childcare. It was very sad to see. Don't let him do that to you. Flowers

Bluntness100 · 21/12/2017 08:45

I honestly can't imagine a situation where a man, any man, husband inc, would tell me my place was to look after the house. I don't even know what my reaction would be anything from laughing through to telling him to go fuck himself, because I can't imagine a man actually uttering those words to me.Confused

Op, does he work with women? Does he feel all women should be at home, or is it just you personally he feels should only be the skivvy?

FartnissEverbeans · 21/12/2017 08:47

I only took the job sonthat I don't have to do the house work,

That sounds like a fucking excellent reason to get a job!

Your husband sounds like a twat. Next time you're with your family and friends make sure you tell them (innocently, earnestly and in front of him if possible) just how much of a dick he's been about it. Make it as fucking awkward as possible for him.