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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to go back to work even if my DH doesn't want me to?

136 replies

user1499434529 · 21/12/2017 08:19

First post, sorry if I miss anything, I'll try and be as clear as I can.
My DSs (4 and nearly 6) have always had me home as after my first maternity leave the business I worked for closed down and my eldest was only a year old when I found out I was pregnant again.
Since my DH works shifts 4 days, 4off, 4 nights it was great as we had a nice amount of time together as a family especially if he took holiday- 12 days off in one block.
His job meant we were financially ok but sometimes going into overdraft and had to be careful with money. He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house. I do all the housework and child related things for school, paperwork etc. He does any DIY that needs doing as that is what he worked previously before his current job (which he hates due to some people he has to work with at times)
I have now been offered a job starting beginning of January which is perfect as it's term time only, working at a secondary school in the field I studied for, he was great when I first went for the interview and told his family I got the job, praised me etc.
The job is full time meaning I had to ask my friend (discussed this before even attending the interview and she will be paid for it) to take DSs to school with her son (DS2 best friend) and pick them up, meaning they will be with her for an hour in the morning and just over one hour after school. No alternative such as breakfast or afternoon club available at the school. DS2 will have 30 hours funded hopefully but at the moment will have to pay for the extra sessions. Pick up/drop off is only needed when DH is working and due to work pattern it changes every week.
Now less than a few days later he keeps arguing with me saying that I only took the job sonthat I don't have to do the house work, that I expect him to do it all in his 4 days off (I never even said anything as I knew it would cause arguments) I suggested we do things together as we are a team but he kept saying how I want him to do it all even though he will be working more than me!
He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down and they're pushed from pillar to post and dumped on my friend and he is not happy that someone else will be taking them to school as no one is better than a parent.
Another argument was that I should have just gone for a PT job term time but when I pointed out that I've been looking for one for over a year and there aren't any he just said he told me there wouldn't be. Or gone for a better paid FT job (wouldn't be able to as been out of employment for 6 years so limited experience) so he can go PT. my job is paid better than other local alternatives and being term time childcare in the holidays won't be an issue.
He has taken all excitement out of starting the new job as I know he will keep complaining about it and starting arguments but praising me for it in front of other people so he doesn't seem unreasonable to them.
Not sure if AIBU for wanting to start work or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 21/12/2017 08:48

He's realised he's going to have to actually act like a father and an adult

He doesn't like you getring satisfaction from anywhere or anything other than family/home stuff because that might make you think you're allowed to have your own thoughts and ideas....

StripeyDeckchair · 21/12/2017 08:55

As a firm believer that both partners should work &I have their own money I think going back to work is a good move and you are lucky to find a term time only role that will minimise your childcare needs.

Your OH is being a dick and in your shoes next time he praises you in public I'd call him out on the fact that in private he's saying the opposite.

Sharing the household load (including the mental load) is the norm, he's been lucky for a few years. You will be in a great position having more money and still lots of time together. You might want to remind him how expensive children are as they get older.

Good luck in your new job, I'm sure you'll enjoy learning new things, mixing with new people, being someone other than mummy and having a larger income.

BackBoiler · 21/12/2017 08:56

You have found a cracker of a job there to fit around the kids! Do not let it pass you by. Ask him if you are just there to be a shagging housekeeper!

ptumbi · 21/12/2017 08:57

Hang on, if he's working 4 days on and 4 days off, and you are working 5 days on and 2 days off, you are working longer hours than him? (except in te hols) And he expects you to still do the housework/kidwork/wifework?

In the holidays, maybe. In termtime, no. He can pull his own weight in termtime.

And stop thinking about what he wants, and think more about what is good for you.

horatioisabrick · 21/12/2017 09:02

He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house

Oh really? And he thinks that you’re selfish? What a twat.

Or has he ever ‘looked’ after the house and been a SATP for nearly 6 years?

He sounds controlling and very unreasonable. Don’t let him treat you like that. Not just for yourself but also for your sons. Parents are one of the most influential role models, after all.

‘my job is paid better than other local alternatives and being term time childcare in the holidays won't be an issue.’ Sounds like a great job. Don’t let him take that opportunity.

Firenight · 21/12/2017 09:03

Congratulations on landing what sounds like the perfect job.

Your husband really needs to adult-up and join the 21st century. There is no way you should be servicing that attitude.

horatioisabrick · 21/12/2017 09:04

He has taken all excitement out of starting the new job as I know he will keep complaining about it and starting arguments but praising me for it in front of other people so he doesn't seem unreasonable to them.

He sounds controlling and actually genuinely creepy. Don’t let him ruin this opportunity.
Your children are 4 and 6, seems like the perfect time to start working again.

BackBoiler · 21/12/2017 09:04

Hang on, if he's working 4 days on and 4 days off, and you are working 5 days on and 2 days off, you are working longer hours than him?

Usually this kind of working pattern the days are 12 hour shifts, this is why they have four days off in between so he will be working more hours but less days.

OP what does he do normally during the four days you are home together?

swingofthings · 21/12/2017 09:07

So the status quo suits him. He knows where you are and what you do, he can come home and not have to do anything and he has controlled of the finances.

Now he is going to have a wife with some independence, and who most likely will expect more from him.

Have you discussed what you will do with the extra money? He needs to see that it will benefit him too, that might change his views!!

MrsMoastyToasty · 21/12/2017 09:08

Take the job. If it proves to be too much for your family dynamic then reduce the hours at a later date or find an alternative job.

Conniedescending · 21/12/2017 09:08

He is clearly being utterly selfish and massive arse. Question is whether u are going to stop this in its tracks- attitude sounds like he's already down that path so firm word needed unless u want to either have no jog or job plus doing all the house stuff

I would say well quite clearly u will need to do more on your days off and that is the expectation u have. If he wants to change shifts to do school run then so be it but u have suitable arrangements in place at that is what's happening

Conniedescending · 21/12/2017 09:09

Oh and go read the Christmas twitch thread to see what happens to women when they don't go back to work

AntiHop · 21/12/2017 09:09

He's being a misogynist arse.

Go for it. And stand your ground with him.

Evelynismyspyname · 21/12/2017 09:10

Blimey, it's transparently obvious that he has just realised he'll have to do housework if you work and is throwing his toys out of the pram because he doesn't want to!

He presumably wants you to continue to do all the housework, which he will feel is justified if you work part time or don't work at all, and him not doing any housework is his absolute number one priority.

Ask him if he'll feel differently if some of the extra household income goes to pay a cleaner

CauliflowerSqueeze · 21/12/2017 09:12

He’s a fireman isn’t he?
4 days on 4 days off.

Just get a cleaner and relax. Take the job. And yes, call him out every time when he comments on it.

Notonthestairs · 21/12/2017 09:13

Take the job! Take the job! Take the job!

Yes there might be a few teething issues as your H gets used to the changes required to make it work for everyone (am rolling my eyes) but it will settle down. Sounds like you've got a good plan in place.
From a reluctant SAHM.

ElfEars · 21/12/2017 09:13

He sounds massively selfish. For that reason alone I'd make sure I had an income of my own.

Motherbear26 · 21/12/2017 09:14

Congratulations on the job! Don’t let him spoil this for you. He’ll get used to it. And agree with the pp above, call him out every time he comments and make sure other people hear. He knows he is bu. Good luck!

diddl · 21/12/2017 09:19

So you've stayed at home with the kids as it was easiest with his job.

Now he thinks that you should still be compromising?

If it's that easy, why doesn't he change his job to fit around the kids?

Of course you should take the job & he should be doing all he can to limit the childcare necessary if he's so bothered about it.

MissTeri · 21/12/2017 09:19

Congratulations - take the job and secret some money away as an escape plan. I've a feeling you'll need it I'm afraid.

Call him out on this EVERY time.

FannyFezziwig · 21/12/2017 09:29

Congratulations on the new job! YANBU but your DH is. He knows which side his bread is buttered at the moment and is feeling threatened.

mathanxiety · 21/12/2017 09:31

This is psychological abuse.

You are dealing with possible jealousy, an instinct to control, the desire to isolate you/keep you in a certain sphere away from public interaction, and a rigid concept of gender roles. All of these elements are big red flags, along with the added element of him wanting you to remain financially dependent on him.

He is unreasonable and controlling and trying to undermine you.

Do not try to argue with him. You are dealing with someone who is engaged in a power struggle with you. You will only get verbal abuse, accusations and unfair insinuations from him, plus criticism of you as a mother (child not taken to school by parents, for example)...

Tell him you are sorry he feels that way, every single time he starts objecting to your plans.

Stand your ground. Take up your job. Put money away for yourself.

If he keeps up the abuse, and of course if it becomes more - silent treatment, sulking, deliberate sabotage (your clothes ruined, shoes lost, papers thrown out, laptop damaged, little dramas engineered by him cropping up to prevent you from prepping for the next day, crises that he manufactures that occupy your attention or make you late, sabotaging birth control, for example) go to counselling for yourself.

MentholBreeze · 21/12/2017 09:32

OP, don't let him take the wind from your sails - that job sounds absolutely perfect for you and your family circumstances, it's awesome.

I put my kids in with a childminder when I went back to fulltime work hours, and they actually loved it - she'd take them to school, pick them up, keep them fed with the the kind of hearty cooked food that my kids loved (but I didn't have time to cook) - they had friends to play with every day, honestly they were so happy, and then, after work when I picked them up, we could spend quality time together as I didn't have to make sure they had dinner etc. It worked so well.

Grab the job with both hands, thank you friend profusely for the childcare, and enjoy it. Your DP needs to understand that you are a human being too, not just another household appliance supposed to sit at home an run the house.

YellowMakesMeSmile · 21/12/2017 09:40

I'd take the job and lose the husband. I'd not want a man who thinks women don't work but stay home and play house.

yomellamoHelly · 21/12/2017 09:41

I would say his behaviour reinforces the fact that you're doing the right thing. He sounds very controlling. Do what feels right for you and enjoy.

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