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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go back to work even if my DH doesn't want me to?

136 replies

user1499434529 · 21/12/2017 08:19

First post, sorry if I miss anything, I'll try and be as clear as I can.
My DSs (4 and nearly 6) have always had me home as after my first maternity leave the business I worked for closed down and my eldest was only a year old when I found out I was pregnant again.
Since my DH works shifts 4 days, 4off, 4 nights it was great as we had a nice amount of time together as a family especially if he took holiday- 12 days off in one block.
His job meant we were financially ok but sometimes going into overdraft and had to be careful with money. He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house. I do all the housework and child related things for school, paperwork etc. He does any DIY that needs doing as that is what he worked previously before his current job (which he hates due to some people he has to work with at times)
I have now been offered a job starting beginning of January which is perfect as it's term time only, working at a secondary school in the field I studied for, he was great when I first went for the interview and told his family I got the job, praised me etc.
The job is full time meaning I had to ask my friend (discussed this before even attending the interview and she will be paid for it) to take DSs to school with her son (DS2 best friend) and pick them up, meaning they will be with her for an hour in the morning and just over one hour after school. No alternative such as breakfast or afternoon club available at the school. DS2 will have 30 hours funded hopefully but at the moment will have to pay for the extra sessions. Pick up/drop off is only needed when DH is working and due to work pattern it changes every week.
Now less than a few days later he keeps arguing with me saying that I only took the job sonthat I don't have to do the house work, that I expect him to do it all in his 4 days off (I never even said anything as I knew it would cause arguments) I suggested we do things together as we are a team but he kept saying how I want him to do it all even though he will be working more than me! Sad
He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down and they're pushed from pillar to post and dumped on my friend and he is not happy that someone else will be taking them to school as no one is better than a parent.
Another argument was that I should have just gone for a PT job term time but when I pointed out that I've been looking for one for over a year and there aren't any he just said he told me there wouldn't be. Or gone for a better paid FT job (wouldn't be able to as been out of employment for 6 years so limited experience) so he can go PT. my job is paid better than other local alternatives and being term time childcare in the holidays won't be an issue.
He has taken all excitement out of starting the new job as I know he will keep complaining about it and starting arguments but praising me for it in front of other people so he doesn't seem unreasonable to them.
Not sure if AIBU for wanting to start work or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
RestingGrinchFace · 21/12/2017 16:15

Just hire a housekeeper with the extra money so that he won't have to do any housework-he seems to be upset about that more than anything else

NotWeavingButDarning · 21/12/2017 16:57

Congratulations! Jobs that fit -more or less- around term time are like hen's teeth. Feel smug and lucky to have bagged one and enjoy every minute!

And it's never a bad idea to be financially independent anyway.

PumpkinPie2016 · 21/12/2017 17:21

Congratulations on your new job!

And YANBU - if you want to work then you should - who does he think he is to be saying you shouldn't work? !

I would never give up my financial independence for anyone!

SoulSputnik · 21/12/2017 17:34

whats YADNBA?

mathanxiety · 21/12/2017 17:49

He is most definitely isolating you (SM control, and griping about your once a month outing) and there is financial control too.

Who pays bills currently?
What do you do with the Child Benefit?

He most definitely does not see you as an equal.
More to the point, he sees himself as your superior, and the boss of the household, the person who gets to say yes or no to the ideas of a grown woman and who expects her to toe the line.

You can get away with not confronting. Just ignore. Bite your tongue. Tell him you are sorry he feels that way.

I agree with Hissy.
This episode has revealed him for what he is, and you may have decisions to make. I suspect he is very invested in his Boss/employee model of relationships and will not give up easily.

You don't have to make an immediate leap into 'when I leave, where will I go?' territory.
For the moment, watch and listen.

If he tries sabotage, or even if he starts sulking, you need to give him his marching orders.

(You have managed to find the Holy Grail of jobs. Don't give it up.)

confusedlittleone · 21/12/2017 18:25

Well yes he should be doing all the cleaning and cooking during his 4 days of- he gets double the days off you do

confusedlittleone · 21/12/2017 18:31

Also your income is your income- if His is covering everything then there's zero need for yours to be spent on anything other then yourself, I'd be making sure it isn't going into a joint account as well

PragmaticWench · 22/12/2017 11:34

Definitely open your own account and have your salary paid into it rather than directly to a joint account. My DM was very vocal about that as we grew up, never give a spouse complete control over your money.

Original poster
user1499434529 · 10/01/2018 23:25

So it's day 3 of the job and I love it! It's been so lovely being able to actually have proper conversations with people and feel productive other than at home.
However, HE TURNED UP today "to pick me up" before I had finished (about 5-10 minutes before) but not outside of work, he actually went to the room I'm in and brought the boys to wave through the window outside (it's a secure place with badge/buzzer entry system which stops at 3:30, so he could come in. They then walked to the room door and I had to introduce him to the other people I work with. Is this normal? I felt weird and a bit embarrassed even and I'm thinking he is doing it for control. How would you deal with this? He is now trying to guilt trip me and say they'll never come over again as I'm embarrassed by him and the kids. I didn't say anything but he put me in a very awkward position as my boss said there's some kids outside, (looking very confused) and I had to say "yes, they're mine" Confused

OP posts:
fuzzywuzzy · 10/01/2018 23:31

That isn’t normal.

Would you turn up at his work with the kids and start waving at him?

He sounds very controlling and like he’s hoping you’ll give up or lose your job.

Original poster
user1499434529 · 10/01/2018 23:34

Fuzzy that's what I'm thinking/ worried about, but how do I stop it? Wouldn't mind meeting him outside the building if needed but otherwise how do I tell him it's inappropriate when he thinks it's ok?

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 10/01/2018 23:35

Congratulations on your new job and really glad you love it. Your husband is a complete controlling arsehole. I think you've realised that anyway. I would ignore his shenanigans as much as possible for now. Have you got good friends or family in case you have a childcare issue? I would fully expect him to just tell you that you can't go to work if there is any problem. Ignore him for a bit but if he keeps it up, it's a LTB situation. He probably knows it too. You sound fab!

bastardkitty · 10/01/2018 23:36

Just tell him 'it was sweet but don't do it again as it was inappropriate and looked unprofessional'.

bastardkitty · 10/01/2018 23:37

Don't fight with him because that's what he wants. A big fight and then he will start with ultimatums.

giddyupnow · 10/01/2018 23:44

What bastardkitty said. Turning up on day 3 to make you feel uncomfortable and undermine your professionalism is very controlling.

Original poster
user1499434529 · 10/01/2018 23:48

Thank you @bastardkitty I'll see what he says to that.

I'm fed up with it and annoyed now, he is twisting it to make me think I was being mean for being a bit taken aback as he was just being nice coming over to see me at work "because he cares"

OP posts:
bastardkitty · 10/01/2018 23:50

Gosh yes - he's so 'nice'. Just keep your eye on the job and don't let him create any fireworks/distractions. Smile

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/01/2018 00:00

Do you think he will do it again?

The sabotage has started.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/01/2018 00:01

I wouldn't say another thing to him about it now. I assume he will keep going on at you so he can start a fight. Maybe keep you awake late so you are wrecked at work tomorrow.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/01/2018 00:09

I agree he is trying to sabotage your job. the difficult thing is what to do about it.

bastardkitty has the right idea I think

AnnieAnoniMouse · 11/01/2018 00:14

It’s not that he thinks it’s ok, he knows it’s not, THAT is why he did it.

It’s just another way of trying to control you, by sabotaging your job & attempting to show you he’s in control.

Get him told that he’s NOT to do it again. Ignore the poor me shit about ‘being hurt’ you don’t want him there. It’s controlling bullshit.

You NEED this job. You NEED to take a good hard look at if you want to remain in this relationship.

IF you want to ‘try’ (and I would not) then you need to stand up to him each & everytime he’s trying to put you down or exert control over you.

You need to write a list of jobs around the house and sit down together, divinding them equally between you. He’s go7ng to be pushed off because he’s just lost his skivvy, but he can join the real world where adults do their fair share of house cleaning, child rearing & other boring shit.

IF he tells you that you are neglecting the children, then tell him that he must be when he goes to work...?

IF he tells you a child needs its Mum 24/7 then ask him if he’s not an equal parent...?

IF he threatens to leave, tell him he’s quite at liberty to, if he wants to.

You HAVE to stand up for yourself and NOT give in for an easy life.

LadyLapsang · 11/01/2018 00:19

Congratulations on your new job. Definitely tell him that it is not appropriate / professional to turn up at your work unannounced. From what you say, I don't think this will be the end of him throwing his toys out of the pram. So sad he is trying to spoil things for you, but don't give in and don't give up the job.

Isetan · 11/01/2018 00:42

This is who he is and has always been. Your job represents a threat to his authority and control and I’m guessing he’s going to be very inventive in his efforts to reassert himself. Buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride.

His motivation is self interest which explains the two faced ness, ultimately, it will come down to your right to be in control of your life and his desperate need to be in control of your life. Hopefully, your job will kick start the part of you that his manipulative and abusive behaviour has so desperately tried to repress.

Congratulations on your job and your awakening.

Onlyoldontheoutside · 11/01/2018 02:07

Do not let him sabotage your job.I would talk to your boss if he does it again or tries anything else.
The one thing having a job does is give you choices,not easy ones but doable.Keep strong.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 11/01/2018 12:57

I agree with Only.

If he pulls any more stunts then have a quiet word with your boss to explain that your husband is controlling and is trying to sabotage your job, which is why X,Y,Z have happened. Tell him/her you love this job, you need this job and you will be fighting off his sabotage, you hope s/he will understand that this bizarre behaviour is not of your doing and you are doing what you can to stop him but ultimately you can't reason with crazy.

I wouldn't go into any detail about how he is controlling etc, just let her know that he is, that he is attempting to sabotage and you disapprove heartily.