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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to go back to work even if my DH doesn't want me to?

136 replies

user1499434529 · 21/12/2017 08:19

First post, sorry if I miss anything, I'll try and be as clear as I can.
My DSs (4 and nearly 6) have always had me home as after my first maternity leave the business I worked for closed down and my eldest was only a year old when I found out I was pregnant again.
Since my DH works shifts 4 days, 4off, 4 nights it was great as we had a nice amount of time together as a family especially if he took holiday- 12 days off in one block.
His job meant we were financially ok but sometimes going into overdraft and had to be careful with money. He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house. I do all the housework and child related things for school, paperwork etc. He does any DIY that needs doing as that is what he worked previously before his current job (which he hates due to some people he has to work with at times)
I have now been offered a job starting beginning of January which is perfect as it's term time only, working at a secondary school in the field I studied for, he was great when I first went for the interview and told his family I got the job, praised me etc.
The job is full time meaning I had to ask my friend (discussed this before even attending the interview and she will be paid for it) to take DSs to school with her son (DS2 best friend) and pick them up, meaning they will be with her for an hour in the morning and just over one hour after school. No alternative such as breakfast or afternoon club available at the school. DS2 will have 30 hours funded hopefully but at the moment will have to pay for the extra sessions. Pick up/drop off is only needed when DH is working and due to work pattern it changes every week.
Now less than a few days later he keeps arguing with me saying that I only took the job sonthat I don't have to do the house work, that I expect him to do it all in his 4 days off (I never even said anything as I knew it would cause arguments) I suggested we do things together as we are a team but he kept saying how I want him to do it all even though he will be working more than me! Sad
He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down and they're pushed from pillar to post and dumped on my friend and he is not happy that someone else will be taking them to school as no one is better than a parent.
Another argument was that I should have just gone for a PT job term time but when I pointed out that I've been looking for one for over a year and there aren't any he just said he told me there wouldn't be. Or gone for a better paid FT job (wouldn't be able to as been out of employment for 6 years so limited experience) so he can go PT. my job is paid better than other local alternatives and being term time childcare in the holidays won't be an issue.
He has taken all excitement out of starting the new job as I know he will keep complaining about it and starting arguments but praising me for it in front of other people so he doesn't seem unreasonable to them.
Not sure if AIBU for wanting to start work or is he being unreasonable?

OP posts:
PoppyFleur · 21/12/2017 09:41

Congratulations OP on your new job. Echoing all the other comments, please don't let his awful attitude ruin this moment for you. I suspect the panic is setting in for him and the cosy life he has led to date with very little domestic drudgery.

As for his comments about the children suffering and being pushed from pillar to post, what utter rubbish. My parents both worked full time throughout my childhood, my sister and I weren't scarred by the experience. We benefited from the additional household income and the opportunities this provided us.

Enjoy your new role and use some of the money to pay for a cleaner if household chores are really the source of contention.

HazelBite · 21/12/2017 09:44

I would say to him, "Lets just see how it works, lets not look for problems for now"
I had to do something similar when I had to take a full time job (for financial reasons) after working odd part time hours.

It was okay my friend appreciated the extra cash for looking after the 2 youngest, who loved being with friends after school.

Problems will arise that you never imagined, and things that you worried about will not present problems.

The thing that DH noticed about when I went back to work is that we had more interesting conversations in the evenings, and my self confidence and feeling of self worth increased.

Okay so your domestic standards may decrease but you will find a different way of organising your time, and thing will get done

Good luck Flowers

Original poster
user1499434529 · 21/12/2017 09:45

Thank you everyone for the replies, I'm taking the job as I feel like I have done everything for DSs so far and they will both be at school 9-3 from September anyway so apart from trying to find a job that's ideal in his eyes (10-2 term time only Hmm which would be near impossible) I will be stuck at home doing nothing else apart from cleaning.
He helps with them on days off but prefers to do fun stuff as opposed to "household chores".
I think I'm realising more and more that he is controlling and that I'm to blame for allowing it to continue. I met him just before I turned 20 so he is my first proper long term relationship, don't know any different. He has made me deactivate my most used social media account as he got annoyed I wouldn't post what he wanted me to and caused so much hassle that I had to deactivate it, which the more I think about it, the worse it sounds. And constantly complaining that I go off "galavanting" with the PTFA instead of prioritising tidying the home (maximum of once a month, maybe less if no school events on). I don't want to moan about him but maybe I haven't been realistic as to what he actually is like. I hate confrontation so I tend to just agree with him to avoid the hassle. Thank you all for suggesting I should become a bit more financially independent, I think that would be good, I worry he will make me feel like I'm being selfish for going off and "doing what I want without considering what he is telling me to do".

OP posts:
Goldenhandshake · 21/12/2017 09:45

This job is the best thing you could have done, your DH sounds like a dinosaur.

DerelictWreck · 21/12/2017 09:50

Your husband is a misogynistic arsehole. Now two ways about it, sorry OP

May50 · 21/12/2017 09:55

Reading your last update OP he sounds even worse. Glad you’re taking the job - you need your financial independence. He sounds very controlling. Good luck and stay strong Flowers

MyDcAreMarvel · 21/12/2017 09:56

OP re the 30 hours, you can apply for it two weeks before you start work. If you don't apply for it before the end of December, you won't get the 30 hours until after Easter.

YouBetterWORK · 21/12/2017 09:58

Jeez, deactivating social media because you didn't say how high when he said jump?

Being the supportive showman in public and berating you in private with guilt trips about the kids because he wants the little housewife keeping the place nice for him. One night out and you get moaned that the housework isn't done?! You aren't his partner, his equal. You're a domestic appliance!

I was going to say take the job and he will have to get used to it. After your update I will change that to take the job, squirrel away the money and fuck the fucking fucker. Worry not a jot about how 'selfish' he will try and make you feel. And bollocks to the housework, he can get a cleaner.

DianaPrincessOfThemyscira · 21/12/2017 09:58

He sounds absolutely horrible. And very calculated the way he presents himself to the outside world.

Also - just for the person asking about what shift - I work in a contact centre and lots of people are on four on/four off shifts, they are workable round kids as earliest start is 730am latest finish is 1030pm, and weekly hours are 35. Also - raking in the £££ due to overtime and bonuses!

bibliomania · 21/12/2017 09:59

He said that DSs are and always have been his priority

Clearly they are now. Avoiding any housework is his priority. He cares more about his own convenience than about you, sorry.

LeCroissant · 21/12/2017 09:59

I'd get settled in the job and then see about leaving the relationship. It's likely that your H is going to make life very hard for you but you need to stay strong, prioritise establishing yourself in work, get your ducks in a row and then get rid of him. You don't need him in your life draining everything out of you.

bibliomania · 21/12/2017 10:01

*Clearly they are NOT his priority.

RainyDayBear · 21/12/2017 10:01

Glad you are still going to take the job, YADNBU and definitely not selfish in the slightest. Tell him that you’re open to the idea of a cleaner if it’s an issue, and he’s welcome to change his hours so he can do the school drop offs... Sounds like some independence will be a really good thing for you!

Ellboo · 21/12/2017 10:05

Very glad you are going for it. Take care of yourself once in the job, too. It sounds like the mental load and housework is still going to sit with you once you are working, and that will be exhausting. Given that it doesn’t sound like you will manage to make him be a decent partner, just try to remember that it is him, and not the job, that is making you exhausted and strung out. And don’t quit after a month!

DeadGood · 21/12/2017 10:07

Congratulations on finding that job, OP. Grab it with both hands and don’t let go.

Your husband is a prick.

HoppingPavlova · 21/12/2017 10:08

Take the job. Ensure you commence financial independence and independence with friendships etc. Do not let him scarper this. Get everything lined up in case you decide you have had enough of the dick. Leave.

Meanwhile, get a cleaner.

LostInTheTunnelOfGoats · 21/12/2017 10:10

Your husband sounds like a dick. You'd be a fool if you let this absolute gift of a job slip away from you because he wants you to scrub the doorstep in your pinny every day

The social media thing is incredibly weird. What did he want you to post?

pinkbraces · 21/12/2017 10:12

You must go back to work if thats what you want. Your husband has been very happy with the status quo for the last few years and he doesnt like the change.
Dont be bullied into backing down, if you do you will set the tone for your future relationship and that doesnt bode well.

KimmySchmidt1 · 21/12/2017 10:12

If the DCs are his priority, how come he has no involvement at all in childcare?

Personally, I would never date, let alone marry, a man who thought I should be at home all day with children. Everyone is different, but ultimately if he is stifling your need to work then that is a deal breaker isnt it?

Of course Cheeky Fvcking Bastards want a free cleaner/prostitute/nanny - I want Channing Tatum and a unicorn - but the question is are lame enough to crush your own needs and ambition to give him that?

Shmithecat · 21/12/2017 10:15

Er, Yanbu and fuck him. I'm a sahm with a well earning dh (got called a sponging broodmare on here once 😂😂). When I fell pregnant I wanted to be a sahm and dh was in total agreement. 2 years in and I'm wanting to go back to work.. dh has always said he rather I remained a sahm but there's no way he'd ever get the hump if I did return to work and tell me that I should be taking care of domestics instead. I'd cut his balls off.

Travis1 · 21/12/2017 10:15

You're husband is a wanker and by you getting this job he is loosing control. He doesn't like it!

I'd be getting all my ducks in a row tbh OP. He is showing some very worrying characteristics.

ZigZagandDustin · 21/12/2017 10:20

It's very important you go back to work considering your DHs reaction. I'd personally be devestated he wanted to keep me as a traditional housewife for his own benefit and to avoid any home related drudgery. Selfish prick.

I would take a bit of your weekly salary and from day one, spend it on a cleaner for at least 2 hrs a week. Otherwise I guarantee you will be doing all the housework, kids and your full time job.

Personally I'd be making an exit plan if my DH tried to hammer me 'into my place' at home like yours is trying to do.

museumum · 21/12/2017 10:22

Congratulations on the job! Well s Be on finds by something term time only - that’s amazing!

During term time do not let him play victim. You’re both working full time jobs regardless of shift patterns so house chores should be 50/50.

He’s just realised he needs to step up and be an adult and he’s having a tantrum. Pathetic.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 21/12/2017 10:22

Yep. This job is the best thing that could have happened to you.
Carry in and let him grumble.
I would expect him to not step up to do more hw etc.. and actually to make things harder for you tbh.

And yes he is a tw**t

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 21/12/2017 10:23

Also I love how his dcs are HIS priority so YOU have to be at home to look after them Hmm