AIBU to go back to work even if my DH doesn't want me to?

[user1499434529]

First post, sorry if I miss anything, I'll try and be as clear as I can.
My DSs (4 and nearly 6) have always had me home as after my first maternity leave the business I worked for closed down and my eldest was only a year old when I found out I was pregnant again.
Since my DH works shifts 4 days, 4off, 4 nights it was great as we had a nice amount of time together as a family especially if he took holiday- 12 days off in one block.
His job meant we were financially ok but sometimes going into overdraft and had to be careful with money. He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house. I do all the housework and child related things for school, paperwork etc. He does any DIY that needs doing as that is what he worked previously before his current job (which he hates due to some people he has to work with at times)
I have now been offered a job starting beginning of January which is perfect as it's term time only, working at a secondary school in the field I studied for, he was great when I first went for the interview and told his family I got the job, praised me etc.
The job is full time meaning I had to ask my friend (discussed this before even attending the interview and she will be paid for it) to take DSs to school with her son (DS2 best friend) and pick them up, meaning they will be with her for an hour in the morning and just over one hour after school. No alternative such as breakfast or afternoon club available at the school. DS2 will have 30 hours funded hopefully but at the moment will have to pay for the extra sessions. Pick up/drop off is only needed when DH is working and due to work pattern it changes every week.
Now less than a few days later he keeps arguing with me saying that I only took the job sonthat I don't have to do the house work, that I expect him to do it all in his 4 days off (I never even said anything as I knew it would cause arguments) I suggested we do things together as we are a team but he kept saying how I want him to do it all even though he will be working more than me!
He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down and they're pushed from pillar to post and dumped on my friend and he is not happy that someone else will be taking them to school as no one is better than a parent.
Another argument was that I should have just gone for a PT job term time but when I pointed out that I've been looking for one for over a year and there aren't any he just said he told me there wouldn't be. Or gone for a better paid FT job (wouldn't be able to as been out of employment for 6 years so limited experience) so he can go PT. my job is paid better than other local alternatives and being term time childcare in the holidays won't be an issue.
He has taken all excitement out of starting the new job as I know he will keep complaining about it and starting arguments but praising me for it in front of other people so he doesn't seem unreasonable to them.
Not sure if AIBU for wanting to start work or is he being unreasonable?

Just went back and read your update.

This is what abuse is. I'm sorry it's where you find yourself but maybe now you know it, you can find some more freedom for yourself in future and avoid your sons thinking that's how you treat your partner.

I'm a SAHP, so please remember that with what I am about to say.

Being a SAHP makes you uniquely and chronically vulnerable. You only have as much financial power as your spouse allows you. My own DH would love me to work (I'd love to work) but we have a currently home-edded ASD child, so it's impossible. Being a SAHP is, for me personally, awful for self-esteem. It's financially hard for us all. I'm lucky in that DH recognises why it works best for one of us to be at home, and recognises that it's work, what I do, as well. But if I were in your shoes I would not only want to work - I'd see it as so essential it was an absolute non-negotiable.

Your DH hasn't once looked at what you need, want, or would like. He's solely concerned with how he is affected, and with forcing you to do what he wants. And he knows, too, that what he is doing is wrong, or he'd do it openly instead of praising you to others while belittling you when alone. This is emotional abuse. The work refusal is financial abuse. NOT because you are a SAHP - again, I am one myself - but because his primary goal seems to be to reduce your independence and ability to service him.

I think you may want to look at the Control Wheel, tbh.

He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house
You're married to a controlling, sexist and misogynistic arsehole
At least you're waking up to the reality of it now so that's a good thing.

I hate confrontation so I tend to just agree with him to avoid the hassle
Stop doing this!
You've started to stand up for yourself so well done.
Explore/practice other ways of asserting yourself and managing this dinosaur - you are NOT his bloody possession and he does NOT own you!
Don't compromise on your working hours - choose what suits you.
You need to be able to be financially independent of him so he can't control you - and you can afford to leave if things don't work out.

I would also warn you that he will almost certainly seek to sabotage this job for you. I would anticipate an emergency, or a night where for some reason you are afforded no sleep at all and it is selfish of you to mind. I would anticipate all sorts of distracting and manufactured drama, and constant reminders that you were the one who wanted to work, and he was always aware it wasn't going to work.

This job is going to be your lifeline. He's going to want to sever it. Please, do all you need to to prevent him doing so. Awful as it is, he may be your husband but he does not sound like your friend.

course Cheeky Fvcking Bastards want a free cleaner/prostitute/nanny - I want Channing Tatum and a unicorn - but the question is are lame enough to crush your own needs and ambition to give him that?

😂 but yes, it’s a good point. Life isn’t a buffet (or else I’d have DH, Tatum and Scarlett Johansson in my bedroom right now...)

But seriously, he has to understand that, agree with it and start behaving in a way that shows it. He isn’t allowed to control you, expect you to sacrifice your career and independence for... how long? Until the kids are 18?the rest of you life?

And the fact that he likes to play supportive husband in front of otherw but behaves like that at home? I’m sorry, but this is a huge red flag imo.

Just one other thing. Be very careful OP. It sounds like you've never challenged him or properly gone against his wishes. I don't know how bad a person he is but you might be in line for a more serious level of abuse from him if you start standing up to him. Don't think someone won't start to get very vindictive and/or physical once their status quo is suddenly challenged for the first time.

If you see any dangerous things starting to happen as you stand up to him, don't rely on thinking you know him as your safety net.

Might not be an issue at all but something to be aware of considering his behaviour and attitude so far.

I think you should take the job, it's a no brainer. Congratulations!

I would however be prepared for the dynamic of your relationship changing, when your DH realises that he can no longer exert the same level of control over you that he is used to. Please be alive to any more signs of abusive behaviour. At least once you make progress in your job you will be better equipped to break free of him if he continues to be such an unacceptable wanker.

he keeps arguing with me saying that I only took the job so that I don't have to do the house work, that I expect him to do it all in his 4 days off

Tell him the housework is joint responsibility from now on - he can either do his share or hire a cleaner to do it for him.
Divvy up the household chores and admin and stick the list up on the fridge.

He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down
His actions don't match his words.
He chooses to be a part-time disney dad.
He's letting them down by not giving them a positive male role model and showing them what a real man is - kind, considerate, loving and attentive.
He's letting them down by not showing them what a healthy partnership is - taking equal responsibility for the product of his loins and sharing the work involved in bringing up dc and running a household.

Or gone for a better paid FT job so he can go PT
Yeah right - somehow i doubt he will enjoy knowing you are the main breadwinner and earning more than him.
Does this mean he would be happy to take on more responsibility re childcare/household chores if he went pt?
I doubt it!

I worry he will make me feel like I'm being selfish for going off and "doing what I want without considering what he is telling me to do"
You need to work on your own self esteem and confidence so you don't get emotionally blackmailed by him like this.
Have you noticed how he goes off and does exactly as he pleases without considering you or your opinions?
What's sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander - either he meets you halfway or he can fuck off.

Maybe he will change his disgusting attitude and behaviour if he knows his marriage is on the line though i doubt it.
So you concentrate on becoming a stronger woman emotionally, mentally and financially.
That way at least you can bin him off before he has you well and truly under his thumb.

and get your support network back - meeting friends, using social media etc
stop allowing him to isolate you

He is a twat and he has to suck it up. Finding a term time job while your DC's are young is lucky bonus.

I've been out of the workforce for 14 years and have recently started working fulltime, more hours than I actually intended to work but at the moment it's working for us. Like your DH OH works 4 on 4 off on nights, and as he is up at 2.30 when he's working it means he is always there when DS comes home form school.He has been nothing but supportive and accepts that he has taken on more household tasks.

I think you Dh a total dick...pays lip service to his wife working but the moment he realises he might have to do more at home has a hissy fit

Your DH is an ass.

And I would tell him that his attitude and nastiness about your new job, which is perfect for someone with young children frankly, has made it sadly clear that it is DOUBLY important for you to keep your new position. You will need this income if your marriage breaks down over his vile behaviour, so you need to be sure you're not financially dependent completely on such a selfish twat.

When I went back to work (well, first PGCE then working) when my DC were about the same age as yours, DH (who is a genuinely 'good husband') found the adjustment difficult. The most difficult thing was re-engaging with the 'trivial everyday' - with seeing what needed doing, both in terms of the house and the children and the diary, and then doing it. He is the type who would always do somethuing when asked, but my years of being at home had got him out of the habit of noticing what needed to be done without being asked.

We weathered it. In the end, he was unemployed for a few months at the end of my PGCE, and that short period of 'swapped roles' reset his domestic awareness, and, years on, all is well.

i suppose that what I am saying is that even the best DH can find the 'SAHM going back to work' adjustment hard. However, the 'good men' want to readjust, want you to succeed, are willing and able to sort things out as difficulties arise, and take responsibility for the inevitable mess ups along the way. If your DH is already showing a huge lack of support, just because you are GOING to go back to work, that's a bad sign.

Take the job and keep the money. Your dh sounds like a soon to be ex anyway.

Just read your update.

I previously said from your first post that he doesn't sound controlling and might be scared of change, however it seems he is controlling!

My opinion still stands, take the job, telling him pulls his fair share and get your confidence back.

I'd also seriously considering putting a sum of money aside from your pay just in case. That way if you choose to leave, you've got funds, if not, it's there.

And do not tell him about it. Open the bank account and request paperless bank statements and he won't be any the wiser.

He's going to sabotage this whether consciously or unconsciously. Watch him pick a fight with your friend or her partner. Watch him have you dragged out of a meeting to ring the school about an urgent issue that turns out to be nothing. Etc.

Take the job. This is perfect for the kids at this age and what I am looking forward to doing when my youngest is at school. Term time only is amazing.

Is he much older than you OP, because he sounds like a dinosaur. Selfish, sexist, controlling and full of double standards. How is it you are letting the kids down by working, but he's not? Why does he think he shouldn't have to do any real parenting or house work? Why does he think he gets to be your boss and dictate what you must do and sacrifice? He has no respect for you, he just wants you to be his skivvy at home.

Be braced for drama from him about this job, as someone else said, he may try to sabotage you. Also be very careful to have birth control in place because it wouldn't remotely surprise me if you were to find yourself pregnant again.

I have never actually stood up to him before and am quite scared to as I don't know how he will react. Thank you everyone for the encouragement and the suggestion I should put some money aside, didn't even think of that as he normally has all the money apart from Child benefit.
I hope it won't get to him trying to sabotage the job, but if he does, how do I stop it?
Coming to the realisation slowly that there is a possibility he doesn't view me as an equal is heart breaking and don't know how I could get out of the relationship if things get worse. Feeling a bit better knowing that I'm not the selfish person he is trying to make me out to be, so thank you everyone for your kind words and suggestions.

No you’re not selfish. Not at all.

His reaction might surprise you (in a positive way, I mean). But if it doesn’t... And a good safety net is really important. Talk to your friends, family etc. You don’t necessarily need to tell them (unless it escalates) what’s going on with DH. Just tell them, that you appreciate that they’re helping you with childcare etc.

Whatever happens, you can do. You’re not selfish at all and I’m sure that you're a strong and intelligent woman.

It's really hard to know what to suggest if was to try to sabotage, as we don't know what he would do. Could you tell him you're starting a day or two before your real start date, just so that if he does actually do anything, on what he believes to be your first day, it won't matter?

I really don't think he sees you as an equal, none of what you've posted indicates that he does. He thinks he's above you, and that you should be doing as he tells you. I'm sorry OP, this must be hard to hear, but I hope you find it validating at the same time.

30 free hours - I managed to change childcare provider mid term as i had a significant change to arrangements (started mat leave) so I suspect you'll be able to start the hours late if needed.

I did have to contact my local authority to check and get authorisation though.

I think you know he’s controlling. Don’t let him tell you what to do.

I think you should set up a separate account for your wages. I appreciate this will enrage him, but he sounds like he’s financially abusing you by not allowing a joint account. Be careful. OP, he may sabotage you when you make it clear that you’re still going for the job.

He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house.

He what? Oh, hell no!

Congratulations on your new job. I hope it is just the beginning of a brilliant 2018 for you (including either a complete realignment of your relationship or perhaps a decision to LTB).

Good on you! Of course you are NU for wanting to work, have a life outside home and earning money for the work you do. I wish I had the courage to do the same, as I hate staying at home.

Your set up sounds great. I can’t see any negatives at all. It will do wonders for your well-being going out to work. 6 years is a long break and you have done fantastically well to secure this job on such great terms. Well done!

I wish I could work outside home, but I have got three and youngest still not school age. Any profit I clear post childcare and other working expenses will get eaten up with holiday clubs and other holiday childcare.

I can see why your H wants you to be around and do everything for everybody 24/7. Who wouldn’t like that? I myself would love a wife. Such a shame I am not into women.

He said that DSs are and always have been his priority and I'm letting them down

yet

He didn't want me to get a job before because he felt my job was to be looking after the house

Sit your H down right now and explain to him that unless he backs you up, supports you in what you need to do in your life or he will be 'making his kids a priority only on alternate weekends...

this is serious. this is potential end to your marriage serious.

He's got ONE chance to get back on board or he can get the hell out of your way.