Aibu to cancel the voucher we gave MIL for birthday?

[Xmasgrinch]

I am really pissed off due to everyone behaving selfishly and unkindly this xmas. My dc are their usual lovely selves but everyone else is so self obsessed and mean. I am sorry about this rant but honestly, mn is the only place I can talk about this.

It was MIL birthday last week. DH had a very bad upbringing and was in and out of care all childhood. Was NC with parents for many years, met and spoke at granny's funeral 2 years ago and maintained strained telephone contact with his mother. She was telling DH that she loved going to the cinema with her friend (this is a new development - FIL didn't allow her to have friends until this year) FIL is aggressive and violent. He was also an alcoholic until 1997 when he found god and he is a now a religious fanatic who goes to church 3x every day.

DH wanted to give mil a cinema voucher for her birthday - to encourage her to go out and spend time with her friend. Mil rung last night to thank doh for the voucher and he was suggesting she saw Paddington but she told him FIL had taken the voucher to be given to the organist at the church as an xmas thank you. She said she couldn't say anything. It is a £25 voucher and they have never bought dh or dc a gift - not when dh was a child, not for our wedding, not ever.

I can cancel the voucher for a £2.50 admin charge. I know it's her gift to do what she wants with and I know I am being a miserly miserable xmas grinch but I am fuming. Fil doesn't let anyone have anything. He's such a mean unkind man, he won't even let his wife answer to 'mum' making dh call her 'mother'. I am crying writing this, I've got it all totally out of proportion. I'm sorry, I'm a mess. DH just looked broken but what was he hoping for? Why did I buy the stupid voucher - this was obviously going to happen - :(

I would cancel it.

The present was for your MIL, not for your FIL to decide what to do with.

I understand why you would want to cancel it but wouid it put mil in any danger if you did?

What about cancelling the voucher and taking her to the cinema yourself?

It's hers now. Don't cancel it.

I would cancel it and take her out to the cinema as a treat instead.What would he say if you turned up to take her out?

What is MIL like - was she part of the problem in DH's childhood or are all the problems down to her arsehole of a husband?

I would cancel it too as why should you pay for a random person to go. So sorry you have this upset

I agree - cancel the voucher and take her and her friend to the cinema.

I’d cancel it too.

Take MIL out to the cinema as a family trip together with all of you.

I didn’t realise churches did Services three times a day!

No, she isn't in danger. They are a very weird couple. He doesn't hurt her - just anyone he perceives as 'in his way' which she isn't. She backs him to the hilt on every occasion but she isn't actively unpleasant and abusive, just passive to his behaviour.

Yes cancel the voucher and take her to the cinema instead. FIL is a twat.

He has a circuit of churches he does - not all the same one. There's a polish service, a Latin mass and an English one he goes to.

I'm also thinking that cancelling could cause big problems though I'd probably still do it.

I think if you decide to cancel, dh will need to speak to his father upfront first. It sounds like there are bigger issues here than just the voucher. Is there anyone who could talk to your mil about her choices?

Yep, cancel, trip to cinema for you, DP, MIL, and friend. Maybe even a slap up tea after as well. Paddington sounds good to me as well.

Don’t cancel it, it introduces a complication and puts the church organist in a difficult position. You can choose to tell FIL how you feel or not, but doing so in this way is inflammatory I think.

If you cancel the voucher your MIL is still upset and your FIL will probably be none the wiser unless the organist speaks up when they attempt to use cancelled voucher. Therefore you have 2 upset people (MIL and Organist) and a FIL who has got away with it.

I wouldn’t cancel it, I would arrange to take MIL and her friend to the cinema yourself and pay when you get there.

Cancel it. She didn't give it away, FIL took it away. Cancel it and tell FIL exactly why.

No I wouldn't cancel it. It could cause grief for your MIL and she sounds like she has had enough grief in her life. I would take it as a lesson learned and move on.

This voucher thing is frankly idiotic, when I think what they've cost us in terms of mental health over the years it really doesn't matter. It's just the straw that's broken the camels back this week.

I suppose it’s her voucher to do with as she wishes, that includes giving it to FIL to give away. Never give her anything again.

I think that, in order to keep your sanity, you just let this one go and buy no more gifts in the future.

She lives 300 miles away and we don't visit. DH can't even go near the town, he literally winces if it's mentioned on the tv.

She is passive and backs him up so when he assaulted me (15 years ago) I shouted very loud and she tried to block the door so dh couldn't come through. She repeatedly stated insistently that it was my fault for 'being in his way'. She is very sharp and unkind when drunk. Called me an animal at dh cousins wedding for breast feeding. She was very damaged by her parents, its just a sad depressing situation.

What a gobshite FIL is. One of those who want people on the outside to think he is lovely, kind and generous.

I would cancel it and tell FIL himself why this is unacceptable. Then take MIL out as a treat.

I think you're right. Leave the voucher and draw a line. How I make DH do that I do not know. Why are some people so vile?
Thanks women - I feel much stronger for your support. I can do this. Get a grip, woman up. Deep breaths.