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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel the voucher we gave MIL for birthday?

118 replies

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 10:14

I am really pissed off due to everyone behaving selfishly and unkindly this xmas. My dc are their usual lovely selves but everyone else is so self obsessed and mean. I am sorry about this rant but honestly, mn is the only place I can talk about this.

It was MIL birthday last week. DH had a very bad upbringing and was in and out of care all childhood. Was NC with parents for many years, met and spoke at granny's funeral 2 years ago and maintained strained telephone contact with his mother. She was telling DH that she loved going to the cinema with her friend (this is a new development - FIL didn't allow her to have friends until this year) FIL is aggressive and violent. He was also an alcoholic until 1997 when he found god and he is a now a religious fanatic who goes to church 3x every day.

DH wanted to give mil a cinema voucher for her birthday - to encourage her to go out and spend time with her friend. Mil rung last night to thank doh for the voucher and he was suggesting she saw Paddington but she told him FIL had taken the voucher to be given to the organist at the church as an xmas thank you. She said she couldn't say anything. It is a £25 voucher and they have never bought dh or dc a gift - not when dh was a child, not for our wedding, not ever.

I can cancel the voucher for a £2.50 admin charge. I know it's her gift to do what she wants with and I know I am being a miserly miserable xmas grinch but I am fuming. Fil doesn't let anyone have anything. He's such a mean unkind man, he won't even let his wife answer to 'mum' making dh call her 'mother'. I am crying writing this, I've got it all totally out of proportion. I'm sorry, I'm a mess. DH just looked broken but what was he hoping for? Why did I buy the stupid voucher - this was obviously going to happen - :(

OP posts:
montenana · 20/12/2017 11:09

listen to schaden
it's such a complicated situation, the obvious thing is to cancel it but it really is just not worth it.
let it go. go NC it is a lost cause Sad
his dm is stirring it. she didn't need to say . she could've kept the voucher quiet. what a pair.

whiskyowl · 20/12/2017 11:10

It is important that your DH learns from this. They will NEVER be good parents. He should never expect to be able to do the things other people take for granted. I realise it sounds brutal to write this down but it is literally the only way that the healing can start. Hope is an absolute killer in these cases.

So sorry you and your family are going through this crap. You don't deserve it.

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 11:11

No he absolutely doesn't. Nor does he need to take his mum out. What he needs to do is have nothing to do with these people. Contact with them will bring him nothing but harm. Sad

Original poster
Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 11:13

Thanks.

I think I will leave it. Personally I doubt he is giving it to the organist. He lies constantly and compulsively about everything. I think he will sell it, which is what he did with all granny's personal possessions and lied.

OP posts:
Ohmyfuck · 20/12/2017 11:13

I wouldn't cancel it because the FiL might think he'd been shown up in front of his churchy friends and take it out on MiL. I'd be fuming but let it go this time, never do it again, and take her to the cinema anyway. What a bastard FiL is. :-(

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/12/2017 11:13

Grinch - it takes a lot of hard work and loving support to come through these things. I'm lucky in that I have a wonderful DH, who, like you with your DH, has given nothing but support and protection, even though he was unable to understand why even the thought of passing through my hometown would have me in uncontrollable tears.

Your FIL is the sort of person who gives religion a bad name - he sounds horrible! And I don't know whether to pity or despise your MIL, because we really don't know her mind, but either way she is no use to your DH.

I'm not surprised that the situation makes you weep, because you see how it is hurting your DH. Was he happier when he was NC? If so, it may be worth asking if he would prefer to go NC again - just for a while, to see how things worked out. He must feel stricken that this has happened. (And very possibly feels guilty, even though none of this is his fault).

I hope that you are both able to come through this. It's one of those things that on the surface sounds like an annoyance, but is really a deeply wounding blow because of all of the emotions it brings back. If you were going to get Christmas presents or have contact with them over the Christmas period, you will have to be prepared for more upset, I'm afraid.

FizzyGreenWater · 20/12/2017 11:14

I would cancel it and actually tell FIL you have, that YOU chose to cancel it because it wasn't for him. Maybe draw some strength from doing something to 'fight back' - and also draw the blame away from MIL although to be honest she sounds almost as bad. Would that make you feel better? Do it if so.

If not - leave it. Just forget it.

One of your posts seems to imply that your DH would want to cancel it - if so, LET HIM. And back him up in his decision.

And really - try and drop contact after this, for both your sakes. You have your family - it's each other. Flowers

loveka · 20/12/2017 11:16

Oh my word, this is awful but just draw a line and forget it. You can't have an impact on this vile bully, whatever you do you wont change him. You could buy two tickets to be collected in the cinema if you still want to give her her gift. It sounds lime she has had a tough life, and has adapted her behaviour as a coping mechanism.

My mum backed my dad up in public because she was terrified of his reaction if she didn't.

She wasn't perfect at all, but a lot of it was caused by living with an abusive husband. I absolutely agree with the poster who said wonen are responsible for getting their kids away from an abusive environment. My mum is as responsibke for my shit childhood as my controlling dad.

Your mother in law is crying out for help when she tells you these things now, but it seems she wouldn't accept the help if you offered it.

It is heartbreaking for your husband. All you can do is support him and love him.

Original poster
Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 11:16

DH wouldn't tell FIL. They don't speak other than to say 'may I speak to mother' - asking permission for mil to use phone for 2 mins. It's so weird.

OP posts:
Original poster
Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 11:20

Thank you everyone.

Yes, I was happier NC and dc don't care but dh sometimes wants his mum. It's hard for him to understand when he feels so much love for his own kids. At a distance he tells himself that she is controlled by him and has no choices but there is no evidence to suggest anything other than she goes along with it happily. DH remembers how she behaved when he was young and its horrific, but he tries to believe she had no choice.

Thanks for the support. I love him, I hate them, and I can't talk about it in rl. Thanks

OP posts:
Mxyzptlk · 20/12/2017 11:21

As MiL backs up FiL in whatever he does, she can be assumed to be okay with him taking her voucher.
It was her gift to do with as she wants so there's nothing for you to even think about.

FlowersFlowers for you and DH.

Butterymuffin · 20/12/2017 11:26

Today 10:40 SilenceOfTheSAHMs

One can only hope God is watching as a member of his Flock behaves so disgracefully. This man is not a Christian, think Virture Signalling on a wholesale basis.*

This.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 11:29

Oh your poor DH OP. I could weep for him

It sounds though that your family, you him and the DC, are a great unit. I am so glad he has that Thanks

TieGrr · 20/12/2017 11:31

Don't cancel it. If FIL is later embarrassed by it, he'll take it out on her.

JaneyEJones · 20/12/2017 11:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Thedietstartsnow · 20/12/2017 11:33

I'd be suggesting they don't have a place in your lives

BadTasteFlump · 20/12/2017 11:35

This is such a sad situation, I completely understand why you feel so upset.

The saddest part for me is that your DH still seems to be holding out for a decent relationship with his parents, despite them never doing the right thing for him. I know it's not your place to decide he should go NC, but it would clearly be the best thing for you both. At the very least, I wouldn't be encouraging him to keep in touch with them.

I would forget the voucher - cancelling it now may give you five minutes of feeling you've scored a point, but IMO it's just asking for a backlash to come your way.

Encourage DH to separate himself from his parents, emotionally as well as physically. I know you say he had counselling, but has he spoken to a counsellor with experience of toxic familes? That could really help.

And lastly I just wanted to comment on this:

it's a struggle when it appears everyone is playing happy families

I honestly believe that is a myth made up in TV advertising land - the only images I've ever seen of these 'perfect' families are in Christmas adverts... the RL families I know, big or small, all have their issues, some smaller than others I realise. But when you and DH shut the door on the world, you can be a 'happy family' too Flowers

ElephantsandTigers · 20/12/2017 11:37

I really feel for you both. My mother abandoned me for a bloke and spoilt every place I lived that I was happy. The situation where I was being abused she did nothing.

I have many suggestions as to what to do with the voucher but all but one has been suggested so I won't repeat.

I would concentrate on healing your dh. I suggest a trip to the GP to ask for a referral to EMDR therapy. I had twenty sessions of this to process childhood abuse and it worked brilliantly. You say your dh winces when he hears the name of his home town, well I had a similar physical reaction to childhood trauma and I have done it if not every day, every week, for over twenty years. Two sessions of reprocessing and I have done it less than six times since the summer. It is so freeing. Might seem a small thing to wince but it's the power it wields and what is represents.

Your dh needs to know he is never going to have the parents he should have had, they are never going to be caring, it's time to let the fantasy go and believe none of it I should because of him, it's all because of their inadequacies. My mother had a crap childhood, albeit nowhere near as bad as mine, but it's no excuse. I still manage to be a good mum to my children.

He'll be fine with you. Just help him along.

fruitbrewhaha · 20/12/2017 11:38

Gosh what a sad situation.

I don't think I can add to the voucher issue.

I was thinking maybe you could look at the adopt-a-granny scheme. Find a nice granny and grandad to be in your life instead of that fucked up pair?

RestingGrinchFace · 20/12/2017 11:39

If you cancel it (which I would) make sure that you FIL knows that it is cancelled and why. Healing DS like a real bastard.

RestingGrinchFace · 20/12/2017 11:39

*He sounds

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 20/12/2017 11:43

if you cancel it, you will have made your point, and gained a measure of satisfaction, but it could set off a whole chain of unpredictable (or sadly predictable) events, that you could get dragged into. You have made your guesture of a gift and it has been recieved. I'd leave it at that and as others have said, support your DH. He has to decide whether to be NC or In C with his mum, whatever makes him feel best, I guess. It sounds like a very delicate situation. The FIL sounds like very very bad news and I'd personally never be within 100 yards of him ever again. Its worrying that he's going around preaching to vulnerable people if he has a history of assault. Could you report him or alert social services? Could you find out if there is any councilling or local support available for his mum? It depends how involved your DH wants to get. In any case, I'd just forget the voucher, its minor in the scheme of things.

MrsJayy · 20/12/2017 11:44

I would leave it tbh I know you are upset by it all but it isn't worth any drama that might come out of it your poor husband still trying to please them.

Peregrina · 20/12/2017 11:47

I think he will sell it,

Then cancel it - you have little to lose. The come back will be on FIL when the purchaser tries to use the voucher. Oh and send him a note to say the voucher is cancelled.

LagunaBubbles · 20/12/2017 11:49

Did you miss the part on the original post where it was stated that FIL took the voucher away and MIL couldn't say anything ?!

Of course she could, she didnt even need to tell him about it in the first place. And she certainly didnt need to say anything to OPs DH either. Shes just as bad.