Aibu to cancel the voucher we gave MIL for birthday?

[Xmasgrinch]

I am really pissed off due to everyone behaving selfishly and unkindly this xmas. My dc are their usual lovely selves but everyone else is so self obsessed and mean. I am sorry about this rant but honestly, mn is the only place I can talk about this.

It was MIL birthday last week. DH had a very bad upbringing and was in and out of care all childhood. Was NC with parents for many years, met and spoke at granny's funeral 2 years ago and maintained strained telephone contact with his mother. She was telling DH that she loved going to the cinema with her friend (this is a new development - FIL didn't allow her to have friends until this year) FIL is aggressive and violent. He was also an alcoholic until 1997 when he found god and he is a now a religious fanatic who goes to church 3x every day.

DH wanted to give mil a cinema voucher for her birthday - to encourage her to go out and spend time with her friend. Mil rung last night to thank doh for the voucher and he was suggesting she saw Paddington but she told him FIL had taken the voucher to be given to the organist at the church as an xmas thank you. She said she couldn't say anything. It is a £25 voucher and they have never bought dh or dc a gift - not when dh was a child, not for our wedding, not ever.

I can cancel the voucher for a £2.50 admin charge. I know it's her gift to do what she wants with and I know I am being a miserly miserable xmas grinch but I am fuming. Fil doesn't let anyone have anything. He's such a mean unkind man, he won't even let his wife answer to 'mum' making dh call her 'mother'. I am crying writing this, I've got it all totally out of proportion. I'm sorry, I'm a mess. DH just looked broken but what was he hoping for? Why did I buy the stupid voucher - this was obviously going to happen - :(

I thin you are doing totally the right thing. The best thing to do with toxic people is to interact with them as little as people, both your FIL and your MIL are toxic. This sounds like a narcissist and his enabler/codependent.

Letting it go is letting people get away with it. There are so many CFs as illustrated on MN and it’s no wonder when ‘let it go’ is such standard advice. I would cancel it, tell your ILs why and then stand well back. Forever. From what you say, OP, your MIL facilitates you FIL’s abusive behaviour and I don’t really understand why you’ve drifted back into contact.

I agree not to cancel the voucher. You will put your MIL in a very difficult position even though it is her own fault for letting him take it. It is just how she is and you will not change her or your FIL now unfortunately

Try and have a good Christmas

Tbf this man sounds so unhinged that he probably can't be challenged letting it go is probably going to be best for Op and her husband.

I have no wise words but just wanted to give a handhold

I wasn't the poster who recommended the EMDR therapy, Grinch, but I know of it and it is very effective, No--one quite knows why, but the practitioners seem to think it's because it breaks the link between the memory and the negative emotions somehow.

The Roman Catholic church is a lot more definite about sin and punishment than the Anglican Church, which may be what attracts your FIL to it. There are a lot of rules to allow, and this suits some people. Some (most) of them can use the rules for good; others, like your FIL, use them to punish other people (rarely themselves for some reason . . . )

Also - the RC church regularly offer the opportunity for confession and absolution to members. I wouldn't be surprised if your FIL is one of those people who "confess" their sins, get absolution and then look on that as having a clean slate to start again. There is an unpleasant minority of people who think you can be as horrible as you like as long as you say sorry and a few prayers.

*follow, not allow

I'm saying this gently. But, if your FiL has been violent towards others don't think for one second that he hasn't been violent towards your MiL. I speak from experience that you can be compliant in all ways and still be physically abused. And abuse is not simply hitting. Pushing, grabbing, shoulder- or chest- 'bumping', throwing things are all forms of physical abuse. And trust me, MiL will be very good at hiding it. I was.

I'm not saying you have to do anything. Just don't close your eyes to the possibility.

I realise I sound pathetic

No - you don't sound pathetic at all, and nor does your DH. You sound like kind, generous people who want to be happy and to enable other people to be happy, too.

Your DH is trying to mend a relationship that is broken beyond repair. He isn't voluntarily enabling his parents horrible behaviour, but it is like a whirlpool which sucks him in. He got out of it once by going NC, but when he met up with his family again he was dragged back into the vortex. He needs help to pull free once more.

You could mention to him how much this affects your own children, seeing their father so upset (because unless they are very, very tiny, they will know - and even very small children sense the atmosphere). Point out that by going NC he is protecting them. He has done his best to mend his relationship with his mother - he can't because she and FIL are sabotaging his efforts.

He has nothing to reproach himself for if he allows the contact to slide.

You don’t sound pathetic, your husband is very lucky to have you. And your husband sounds really lovely to still try and care about parents who have let him down so badly xx

When anyone has a 'straw that breaks the camel's back ' moment it might seem like a bad thing but often it is a good thing.

It is a catalyst for change. It means that there is a material shift in your position from this time yesterday, or from this time last week etc and impetus to take action.

And often the action can be 'no action'. Just leaving alone, closing a door and walking away would seem the right response.

Later on today you will feel heaps better ... you probably do already and the period of utter frustration has probably passed and you have moved on...

That is so very cheeky and to tell you that's awful. Some of us do pass on gifts but you wouldn't never tell the giver that you've done this. I don't think I'd cancel the voucher but wouldn't give anything again and say why. Stop bothering with them. They sound awful.

I'd cancel the voucher so FIL looks like a dick at church.

Don't know why but this post has made me angry on your behalf.

I hate church-y people who act sanctimonious and then do dick moves like the ones you describe.

Looking at it from another point of view: could your MIL have told your DH this in the hope of getting more presents?

I wouldn't cancel the voucher. This situation is sad and horrible enough without the poor organist being embarrassed through no fault of his own. At least the treat will be going to someone who will enjoy it.
As much as I think MIL and her abusive husband are birds of a feather and equally repulsive, the thought of her suffering at his hands over a cancelled voucher doesn't sit right, either.
I really feel for you and DH.

Cancel the voucher, keep quite and he'll look like a prize prat at church

I realise I sound pathetic.

You don't sound pathetic AT ALL. You know, your opening post was so sad, and so were many of your replies, but what comes through even more strongly is how much you and your husband love each other and lean on each other. Nobody would want his parents for the world, but your relationship with him is what so many of us aspire to. I'd bet my arms that you're wonderful parents, too.

A sad situation OP but seems there is no reason for your DH to keep contact with his mother. I know it's a big deal, but given what you have said on here it's better for you as a family to turn your backs on this. Think of your own children, you don't want them exposed to this kind of behaviour as they grow up. Many people (including me) are NC with horrible or abusive family members, and better off for it. I don't give them a second thought these days, their loss.