Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Aibu to cancel the voucher we gave MIL for birthday?

118 replies

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 10:14

I am really pissed off due to everyone behaving selfishly and unkindly this xmas. My dc are their usual lovely selves but everyone else is so self obsessed and mean. I am sorry about this rant but honestly, mn is the only place I can talk about this.

It was MIL birthday last week. DH had a very bad upbringing and was in and out of care all childhood. Was NC with parents for many years, met and spoke at granny's funeral 2 years ago and maintained strained telephone contact with his mother. She was telling DH that she loved going to the cinema with her friend (this is a new development - FIL didn't allow her to have friends until this year) FIL is aggressive and violent. He was also an alcoholic until 1997 when he found god and he is a now a religious fanatic who goes to church 3x every day.

DH wanted to give mil a cinema voucher for her birthday - to encourage her to go out and spend time with her friend. Mil rung last night to thank doh for the voucher and he was suggesting she saw Paddington but she told him FIL had taken the voucher to be given to the organist at the church as an xmas thank you. She said she couldn't say anything. It is a £25 voucher and they have never bought dh or dc a gift - not when dh was a child, not for our wedding, not ever.

I can cancel the voucher for a £2.50 admin charge. I know it's her gift to do what she wants with and I know I am being a miserly miserable xmas grinch but I am fuming. Fil doesn't let anyone have anything. He's such a mean unkind man, he won't even let his wife answer to 'mum' making dh call her 'mother'. I am crying writing this, I've got it all totally out of proportion. I'm sorry, I'm a mess. DH just looked broken but what was he hoping for? Why did I buy the stupid voucher - this was obviously going to happen - :(

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 20/12/2017 11:55

I also agree that if the FIL is going to try and sell it, that's all the more reason to cancel the voucher and drop him right in it.

gnushoes · 20/12/2017 11:57

I'd cancel it. FIL can think your husband didn't send a proper voucher for his mum, if he likes and this way his bad behaviour isn't rewarded.

Original poster

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 12:00

Elephantandtiger - I am so sorry that happened top you. Now I have my own DC these people are impossible to understand :(

OP posts:

Original poster

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 12:02

Schadenfreude - we don't see them, and they dont do xmas presents or anything like that. Poor DH never even got presents when he was little :(

The therapy you mention looks really interesting - I have googled and had a read. Thanks

OP posts:

BanyanChristmasTree · 20/12/2017 12:03

we find strength in each other it's a struggle when it appears everyone is playing happy families.

This comment from you OP made me feel really sad. I have a friend whose FIL treats her husband like shit and when she tries to put a stop to it her DH says "I'd rather have a shit relationship with him that none". So, basically your husband is clinging onto a very toxic, damaged relationship with his DP's so he doesn't feel alone.

He needs to stop looking up the family line and start looking down it. You have each other and you have your DC. One day your DC will have partners, maybe children and maybe grandchildren. One day your family will double and triple, you just need to be patient and make sure you love each other to bits, support each other and break this toxic cycle. You need to keep it out of your own little family.

They are horrible. Your MI is codependent on your FIL. Your DH needs counselling to keep away from them.

ShiftyMcGifty · 20/12/2017 12:06

I think he’s beat her black and blue if you cancel it because it would be her fault for making him look like an ass in front of a church member. I also don’t know how on earth you can say he’s not violent when he lives 300 miles away and you spend no time with him. You think she’d tell you?

Actually, she sort of showed you when he assaulted you when you stepped out of line. Did you not clock what his wife did to diffuse the situation? She knew if you kept resisting he’d probably escalate to violence. From experience.

Original poster

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 12:09

Shifty - I have lived with my DH for 24 years and suspect that I know the nature of FIL and MIL better than you could glean from my OP. I appreciate your comments and advice but I am not concerned about her safety or wellbeing other than from her drinking.

OP posts:

ItsNachoCheese · 20/12/2017 12:16

Id cancel it given that fil was a total twat and effectively stole it from her

diddl · 20/12/2017 12:19

I'd cancel it.

Why the hell should FIL be able to make such a gesture at someone elses expense?

And then NC.

Awful people.

Original poster

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 12:19

To those saying that you hope God is watching, I do not understand FIL's view of religion. He became a Roman Catholic in 1999, prior to that he was an anglican. Since then he has violently assaulted his mother, his DIL, and his grandson (resulting in hospital visit - not my DC), he has attempted to force a 16 year old girl to have a late abortion (DH's brothers child), he has stolen from his mother, his BIL and his niece (sure theres more we don't know), he has committed fraud regarding his mothers will, he had his nephew arrested, he hurts and kills animals that he considers pests (seagulls and squirrels). I do not know how these behaviours sit alongside being the treasurer of the church and in charge of the money (I know, I know).

OP posts:

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 12:23

I wouldn't cancel purely because that would affect the receiver, who hasn't really done anything wrong and I hate the thought of someone getting all excited for a trip to the cinema and then it all going wrong.

With regard to DH, parental abuse leaves scars that are confusing. She's his Mum, she's biologically programmed to love him and he to love her, when that goes wrong it often leaves the child craving it. Just support him, he'll hurt for the rest of his life.

onceandneveragain · 20/12/2017 12:24

Cancelling it would be a really shitty thing to do. The church organist has done nothing wrong and might be humiliated either trying to pay with the voucher herself and it not going through, or gifting it to someone else who would tell her it didnt work - all awkward positions for someone who has NOTHING to do with any of this.

Also what would it achieve? Either organist would never tell Dh father in which case he would learn nothing, or she would and it is likely he will kick off, either at your Dh or his mother, adding further distress to an already very strained relationship.

If your Dh really wants to he can tell his father that he's annoyed and the voucher wasn't meant to be given away / but actually cancelling it will achieve nothing good.

CiderwithBuda · 20/12/2017 12:26

I would definitely cancel it and I would tell FIL why. It is not his to give to anyone.

Your poor DH.

Whinesalot · 20/12/2017 12:30

NC for sure and more therapy for Dh if he needs it. Sadly they will never become what he wants or needs.

Knittedfairies · 20/12/2017 12:30

I think you're right not to cancel, although I can understand why you thought about doing that - my knee jerk reaction would have been the same - but to cancel it would create yet more drama, for your MIL, or the organist, or for whoever bought the 'stolen' voucher. It's a very sad situation.

Walk away, OP.

Changebagsandgladrags · 20/12/2017 12:30

I wouldn't cancel the card. If you do, it's just the organist who will lose out. The organist might be too embarrassed to mention that the voucher doesn't work.

But I would expect your DH to have serious words with FIL and demand that the money is repaid to you. Then you can either re-gift MIL or not.

If he refuses to pay up tell him you're getting a massive banner for the church saying: Church Treasurer Stole A Voucher to Gift to the Church

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 12:35

Honestly fuck the voucher and go no NC again it too much.

I've just got in contact again with a family member after a long time and the first time they do something I'm gone again.

This man enjoys punishing people and you shouldn't have him in your life

Killerfairy · 20/12/2017 12:36

I actually wouldn't give two shiny shits about some random organist who ended up with £25 that wasn't intended for them. Horrible toxic situation

AnnetteCurtains · 20/12/2017 12:40

Thank God you have each other XmasGrinch
I wouldn't cancel it , you gave it with good grace .
Let it go & cherish the family you have
They don't deserve a relationship with their son however sad that is

wheresmycat · 20/12/2017 12:42

I just wanted to say, you sound like an amazing partner and your DH is so, so lucky to have you. It's really hard watching people you care about being hurt by others and you're being very strong and very brave about it. I'd draw a line under the voucher and try to create a peaceful, loving Christmas with your DH and children.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 20/12/2017 12:43

Cancelling it would be a really shitty thing to do

What planet are you on? If the organist is humiliated then the fall back would be on the FIL, not OP. Maybe it would teach him a lesson?

Original poster

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 12:44

I have read all your replies and appreciate your taking time during a manic week to think of my family and help us.

I am not going to cancel it. I am going move on and encourage DH to get some more therapy in the new year and look into what Schadenfreude has recommended.

I realise I sound pathetic. I run my own business and am seen as a leader in my community, I also volunteer and support looked after children gaining access to higher education. I seem able to support and help other solve their problems but struggle with this family stuff.

I wish you all a really lovely Xmas with your families, whatever shape they may be xxx

OP posts:

Mxyzptlk · 20/12/2017 12:47

You don't sound pathetic. Family stuff can be really complicated and difficult.

MrsJayy · 20/12/2017 12:48

You don't sound pathetic at all you are hurt and your dh parents sound horrible you are angry .

scampimom · 20/12/2017 12:54

You don't sound at all pathetic to me.

People like this always make me think of a burning building. You can stay in it, hoping it will be OK, or you can just get out before it engulfs you. There is nothing you can do about the situation with the ILs, only choose whether to stay in the burning building, or get the hell out.

They will never be happy. That's their comeuppance.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread