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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to cancel the voucher we gave MIL for birthday?

118 replies

Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 10:14

I am really pissed off due to everyone behaving selfishly and unkindly this xmas. My dc are their usual lovely selves but everyone else is so self obsessed and mean. I am sorry about this rant but honestly, mn is the only place I can talk about this.

It was MIL birthday last week. DH had a very bad upbringing and was in and out of care all childhood. Was NC with parents for many years, met and spoke at granny's funeral 2 years ago and maintained strained telephone contact with his mother. She was telling DH that she loved going to the cinema with her friend (this is a new development - FIL didn't allow her to have friends until this year) FIL is aggressive and violent. He was also an alcoholic until 1997 when he found god and he is a now a religious fanatic who goes to church 3x every day.

DH wanted to give mil a cinema voucher for her birthday - to encourage her to go out and spend time with her friend. Mil rung last night to thank doh for the voucher and he was suggesting she saw Paddington but she told him FIL had taken the voucher to be given to the organist at the church as an xmas thank you. She said she couldn't say anything. It is a £25 voucher and they have never bought dh or dc a gift - not when dh was a child, not for our wedding, not ever.

I can cancel the voucher for a £2.50 admin charge. I know it's her gift to do what she wants with and I know I am being a miserly miserable xmas grinch but I am fuming. Fil doesn't let anyone have anything. He's such a mean unkind man, he won't even let his wife answer to 'mum' making dh call her 'mother'. I am crying writing this, I've got it all totally out of proportion. I'm sorry, I'm a mess. DH just looked broken but what was he hoping for? Why did I buy the stupid voucher - this was obviously going to happen - :(

OP posts:
mamas12 · 20/12/2017 10:30

Cancel the voucher at same time i firming fil that's what you're doing as the present was for mil and then take her to the cinema

bretonknickers · 20/12/2017 10:31

I suppose it’s her voucher to do with as she wishes, that includes giving it to FIL to give away. Never give her anything again.

Did you miss the part on the original post where it was stated that FIL took the voucher away and MIL couldn't say anything ?!

Ridiculous comment

notanurse2017 · 20/12/2017 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/12/2017 10:32

Cancel it and tell FIL after you have done so.

Maelstrop · 20/12/2017 10:33

Absolutely cancel it, but your DH needs to tell his father and say why.

ChocolateWombat · 20/12/2017 10:33

Don't cancel it. Just leave it and try to move on.
Know it was a nice thought on your part, which was sabotaged by FIL and that was outside your control. MIL knows you gave her a nice gift.

Don't give any more gifts unless you can take her personally to the experience.

Let yourself feel sad about it - it is all very sad. Then try to move on from this in incident.

Original poster
Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 10:33

I don't know what he is looking for. A relationship maybe. I don't know. Why pick away at that old scab. It's heartbreaking to see him so hopeful that she'll suddenly hug him and tell him she wanted to do something but couldn't. It's not true thou - she is lazy, passive, snobby, judgemental and has no empathy. :(

My parents aren't great either and although we find strength in each other it's a struggle when it appears everyone is playing happy families.

OP posts:
beepbeeprichie · 20/12/2017 10:37

OP have a Flowers for you and your husband. You mention the voucher being the straw- from your other posts on the thread this seems a deep rooted and very damaging relationship. In order to protect your DH and yourself I would try to steer as far clear of your inlaws as you can. Do you think it is beneficial to your DH's mental health to try to build bridges with them?

Aki99 · 20/12/2017 10:38

Cancel it and take MIL out

irretating · 20/12/2017 10:39

I would make like Elsa and let it go. MIL maybe lazy, passive etc but she's also living with an unstable and abusive man. If it gets back to FIL that the voucher is dud, there's only one person around to take it out on.

SilenceOfTheSAHMs · 20/12/2017 10:40

One can only hope God is watching as a member of his Flock behaves so disgracefully. This man is not a Christian, think Virture Signalling on a wholesale basis.

user1474652148 · 20/12/2017 10:40

I wouldn't cancel it, just mental note not to do vouchers again. It could cause her lots of embarrassment and I'll feeling.

Would definitely arrange for her to go again with a friend.

shoeaddict83 · 20/12/2017 10:41

100% cancel it, why on earth should FIL take it and choose to do what he likes with it? If you live far away and dont see her, then ask her to tell you a date she wants to go and what she wants to see, then book and pay for the tickets online and have them emailed to her or collected form box office. He cant do anything with them then.

what an awful man

user1474652148 · 20/12/2017 10:41

ill

Eltonjohnssyrup · 20/12/2017 10:42

I wouldn't cancel it. He might not hit her but he might make her life really unpleasant. He might stop her going out to the cinema or seeing her friend anymore, it would punish her for what he did. Plus it would embarrass the organist who's done nothing wrong. She shouldn't have told you really.

Makingahome · 20/12/2017 10:44

No contact. Sounds awful.

DeepanKrispanEven · 20/12/2017 10:54

Can your DH tell your father that you bought the voucher for MiL; since he is using it for his personal present to someone else, you expect him to pay you back? He probably won't do it, but it might make him think a bit.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 20/12/2017 10:56

I don't know what he is looking for. A relationship maybe. I don't know. Why pick away at that old scab. It's heartbreaking to see him so hopeful that she'll suddenly hug him and tell him she wanted to do something but couldn't.

This is exactly what he is hoping for. Not trying to hi-jackyour thread, but I have been there.

Inside this lovely man is a terrified, lonely child who is desperate for his mother's love to affirm that he is worth something. He needs to know that he is worthy of love - and to a child, if your mother doesn't love you, how can anyone else? This isn't a conscious need. It is buried so deep he is probably unaware of it, but it will still be there if he hasn't had a chance to address it.

Has he had counselling at all? If he speaks to his GP s/he might be able to refer him. Personally I think being NC is the best thing, as, like you say, it stops that painful scab being constantly picked. However only he can make that choice - all you can do is love and support him.

I can promise you that every time he sees or speaks to her all of those desperate feelings come back and flood him. He is a little unloved boy again. It's really incapacitating.

I honestly don't know what I would do regarding the voucher. I would be really tempted to cancel and embarrass FIL in front of the organist when they try to use it. On the other hand in many ways just saying - "Fair enough. But that's the last gift/contact/whatever" and ignoring it might be an easier option.

I agree with Elton that she should not have told you what had happened. (She didn't have to tell FIL the she had received it - she and her friend could have just quietly enjoyed these of it.) She's not being passive - she's actively stirring things up, though she would deny it. His parents sound poisonous. I hope he can find the strength to go NC again.

GreenPurpleRed · 20/12/2017 10:58

I would also cancel and take her out. Your poor dh, sounds like a crap childhood Flowers

Original poster
Xmasgrinch · 20/12/2017 11:01

Sachaden - yes, it is a sad situation. He has had counselling, art therapy and other support. He has ptsd and problems with dissociation due to sever abuse at the hands of his sibling and in care. We met when we're 18 so understand and support each other.

OP posts:
Sugarpiehoneyeye · 20/12/2017 11:03

I would cancel the voucher, she didn't give it to him, he took it.

Bowerbird5 · 20/12/2017 11:07

If you can afford to why not ring the cinema and leave the tickets for her to collect. You could cancel the voucher, I'm not sure I would but if I did I would write to the organist and explain why if you can't afford to let it go. Organist rarely get gifts in my experience.

ArchchancellorsHat · 20/12/2017 11:08

I think I might recognise you from a thread this summer - if so, it did soud like your DH had it pretty bad. I'd cancel the voucher and not bother again; concentrate on your own nuclear family. It's a shame for MIL but it does seem like she's enabling or even encouraging this albeit in a fairly passive way. She would have known no good would come of telling FIL she'd had a present.

Iwantamarshmallow · 20/12/2017 11:08

if it were me I would cancel it .
However u need to ask your self will it open a can of worms and cause more trouble than it’s worth ? Is punishing the organist who received the voucher the right thing to do?

MrsKoala · 20/12/2017 11:08

Can you cancel it and telephone FIL and tell him why? I would do that and make it my last contact with any of them. There would be liberal use of the c word too. Sorry, i know it's not helpful but i feel so sad for your DH.

Try and love each other as much as you can Flowers