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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird AIBU

122 replies

AlChris · 20/12/2017 08:49

Please give it to me straight. AIBU?

My DP and I work together. We have been together for quite some time but haven’t told anyone at work. There are good reasons for not telling colleagues (we are not doing anything against the rules but it would complicate the team dynamic).

We had our Christmas dinner last night and our team (of four) arrived together at the venue. I picked a seat next to my colleague who had walked in ahead of me assuming that DP and our other colleague would sit next to us.

DP went to the other end of the empty table with the other colleague. As far away as he could get. All of the rest of the teams sat with their colleagues.

AIBU to be a bit miffed about this? I know it is a first world problem and I probably should get a grip but it just irked me somewhat that he was at pains not to sit next to or even near me. I’m not sure if the secrecy is now starting to make me feel a bit insecure and I’m reacting to that or if it is odd behaviour on his part. Perhaps he just wanted to network with his other colleagues.

I’ve gently asked him about it and his answer was that he had promised the other lady that he would sit next to her. That is fine but I don’t see why that entails sitting as far away from me as possible.

I’d appreciate honest answers!

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe · 20/12/2017 08:53

YAB a bit U but not unreasonable to feel a little put out.

If no one knows about your relationship, perhaps your DP is trying to keep it less obvious?

As another example, at our work Christmas dinner a newly engaged couple sat on completely different tables with different friends.

KC225 · 20/12/2017 08:55

He probably didn't realise it was that far away. You are way, overthinking this. If it bothers you so much then why not go public. Chances are they probably know anyway.

SpartonDregs · 20/12/2017 09:03

He probably didn't realise it was that far away.

She didn't mention him being short sighted/long sighted or having any sight problems at all. How amazing though that you can see straight through to this; your eyesight is truly awesome.

JollyGiraffe · 20/12/2017 09:08

Sparton did you get up on the wrong side of the bed today?

CurryWorst · 20/12/2017 09:15

You can't keep it a secret from your colleagues and have him treat you in a special way at a work do, thats just silly.
What does it matter where he sits anyway? I would imagine it would be easier to keep up the pretense sitting as far away as possible from each other.

Original poster
AlChris · 20/12/2017 09:33

Thanks for the replies.

Deep down I know I’m being ridiculous. I am just starting to get fed up of feeling like a dirty secret. At first it was exciting but now it’s just starting to grate on me.

The whole secrecy thing has led to some ridiculous situations - one of his friends invited him to go speed dating with him and he was going to go.

Ok, I shall give myself a shake and move on with my day. Thanks for the perspectives.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 20/12/2017 09:38

He was going to go speed dating? How long have you been together?

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/12/2017 09:47

When will you guys tell people? If you’re serious about each other you need to announce it at some point.

Are you worried that he won’t want to, because he’s not fully committed? To go to the lengths of agreeing to speed dating, just to cover up your relationship, feels wrong.

Original poster
AlChris · 20/12/2017 09:56

We have been together a number of years. Blush

I know that if we were ‘out’ and he hadn’t sat next to me, I wouldn’t have had a problem. So I know the issue is now my insecurity. I need to work on that.

OP posts:
JollyGiraffe · 20/12/2017 09:59

Years?!

And he was going to go speed dating?

Sounds like you need to have a big chat.....you can't carry on like this forever!

ReanimatedSGB · 20/12/2017 10:04

Several years and your workmates are supposed to not know? Either they all know perfectly well and find your joint pretence that you barely know each other utterly fucking hilarious (to quote Heinlein: 'as futile as a cat covering up on a tiled floor') or there's something slightly iffy going on. Why is it such a big deal if it isn't actually a breach of company policy for staff to shag each other? What do the two of you do together outside work - eg, if you are strolling in the park, arm in arm, one Sunday afternoon, what will he do if a colleague appears? Drop you like a hot poo and run off screaming?

SpartonDregs · 20/12/2017 10:06

Sparton did you get up on the wrong side of the bed today?

No, just calling the most ridiculous excuse for ignoring your partner I've seen in a long while.

Argeles · 20/12/2017 10:06

Casually mention the evening, and ask in a jokey way what the weather was like at his end of the table!

Tell him that you can appreciate why he sat away from you, but that it was too far away for your liking and you don’t want him to do that again.

Tell him that you think it’s time to go public, if that’s what you want to do.

HuskyMcClusky · 20/12/2017 10:08

Years?!

This is daft. You either need to ‘come out’, or one of you needs to get a new job.

19lottie82 · 20/12/2017 10:08

I don’t think there is anything wrong with him sitting at the other end of the table in this situation, but you seem a bit paranoid about the whole situation in general?

Who’s decision was it to keep things under wraps? Based on the way you’re feeling it seems obvious that you should let your colleagues know that you’re now a couple. Do you think he’d feel positive about this?

How long have you been together?

19lottie82 · 20/12/2017 10:09

Oh okay, I’ve just read you’ve been together years! Wow. I still don’t think there is anything wrong with his seating choice, but the fact that he hasn’t told any of your colleagues you’re a couple...... wow!
What would he do if you told people?

StickThatInYourPipe · 20/12/2017 10:11

Me and dp work together but on nights out you probably won’t see us together at all (apart from when we leave) we both have our own mates at work.

GeekyWombat · 20/12/2017 10:11

Who doesn’t want to go public now? You or him? When did you last talk about it? And how many years are we talking?

I don’t think I’d have minded him sitting at the other end of the table, but this is clearly a symptom of something bigger.

Pengggwn · 20/12/2017 10:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

runningoutofjuice · 20/12/2017 10:14

I can't understand why it's still a secret! And, 100%, your colleagues already know, they probably think it's hilarious that you think they don't!

runningoutofjuice · 20/12/2017 10:15

And I bet the speed-dating offer was a set-up to make dp squirm Grin

AtrociousCircumstance · 20/12/2017 10:16

Years? That’s ridiculous. One of you is the driving force behind this secrecy and I’m guessing it’s him.

Your colleagues are grown ups, they will manage the dynamics of working with a couple who are sensible and professional in the workplace.

I and everyone I know have experienced working with people in workplace relationships. It’s not a big deal unless you make it so.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/12/2017 10:16

Also: is there an age gap between you? And do you socialise at all with your friends/his friends (outside the workplace)? If your relationship consists of him visiting your house and/or going to quiet little restaurants miles away from home, could he actually be married?

Capelin · 20/12/2017 10:17

He was going to go speed dating?!

I agree with pp - it’s time to come out or for one of you to get a new job. I met my DH at work so I understand it might be awkward. But this is getting ridiculous!

WizardOfToss · 20/12/2017 10:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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