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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird AIBU

122 replies

AlChris · 20/12/2017 08:49

Please give it to me straight. AIBU?

My DP and I work together. We have been together for quite some time but haven’t told anyone at work. There are good reasons for not telling colleagues (we are not doing anything against the rules but it would complicate the team dynamic).

We had our Christmas dinner last night and our team (of four) arrived together at the venue. I picked a seat next to my colleague who had walked in ahead of me assuming that DP and our other colleague would sit next to us.

DP went to the other end of the empty table with the other colleague. As far away as he could get. All of the rest of the teams sat with their colleagues.

AIBU to be a bit miffed about this? I know it is a first world problem and I probably should get a grip but it just irked me somewhat that he was at pains not to sit next to or even near me. I’m not sure if the secrecy is now starting to make me feel a bit insecure and I’m reacting to that or if it is odd behaviour on his part. Perhaps he just wanted to network with his other colleagues.

I’ve gently asked him about it and his answer was that he had promised the other lady that he would sit next to her. That is fine but I don’t see why that entails sitting as far away from me as possible.

I’d appreciate honest answers!

OP posts:

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 22:37

You did know it wasn't right because you knew it was making you unhappy.

Surely you're questioning why you aren't a much bigger and more official part of his life (inside and more pertinently outside the office) after years and years of a "relationship".

Why do you think that is?

He's worried about team dynamics
There's someone else
He doesn't want the publicly commit to you for some other valid reason
He's an arsehole

Unless you know that 3 is true for a great reason, then you're faced with the bullshit of 1 or the unpleasant truth of 3 or 4

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 22:52

AlChris you sound lovely but lacking in self esteem and confidence in your own convictions. Hug for you.

I hope this thread has helped you gain some perspective. Sometimes the scales can fall from your eyes and it's a horrible massive shock. You don't have to decide anything right now. It's worth thinking on what YOU want. Don't let this set up chip away at your confidence.

You do deserve better so don't put up with something you're not happy with.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/12/2017 23:06

Have you had many/any serious relationships before, OP? You say he's older than you - are you under 25? (I know you have been together for 'years' but that could be two or three years...)

liminality · 20/12/2017 23:17

Never be with someone who is not super proud to show you off to all and sundry.
Never be with anyone you wouldn't be proud as punch to introduce to all your friends and family.

Original poster

AlChris · 21/12/2017 06:57

I don’t think I’d really thought about it too deeply until I was trying to understand why I felt like I did. That’s when I realised how bothered I am about being kept secret after four years of being together.

Obviously it has been bothering me previously but I’ve just pushed those feelings to one side.

I haven’t had many relationships in my life so I suppose it wouldn’t have been difficult for him to take advantage of that.

The problem that I’ve got is I don’t feel the same way about him as I used to. I’ve been thinking about whether it is worth telling people or whether just to end it.

I do appreciate everyone’s opinions.

OP posts:

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 21/12/2017 07:08

Well at least you've realised it's not "normal" OP. I think that given you're unsure at the moment, I'd wait and watch till' Christmas is over.

Are you spending Christmas with him?

Original poster

AlChris · 21/12/2017 07:17

I’m not spending Christmas or New Year with him. I’m going away with family.

He is of course not happy about this, as he tells me ‘he would expect to spend some time with his girlfriend when he is off work’.

OP posts:

farmers · 21/12/2017 07:20

Quite sad for you OP , seems like you have been taken advantage of. If I was in your position I'd be considering what I wanted in my life and relationships. If you are happy with the current situation, then carry on, you're not hurting anyone. However, it doesn't seem like you are happy with it.

It seems unlikely that you will be able have a serious relationship/marriage/children with this man. Realistically if he has not told anyone about your relationship after four years (!) together, he is not going to. His reluctance to tell anyone is a massive red flag. It may be genuinely true that he doesn't want to cause friction within your work environment, but even if that is his only reason for not telling anyone, it still shows that he is prioritising his work above your relationship.

You are still young and it seems to me like you have much more to gain from leaving him than you have to lose.
Good luck with whatever decisions you make!

shoeaddict83 · 21/12/2017 07:55

he would expect to spend some time with his girlfriend when he is off work
wow id tell the hypocritical twat that after 4 years together id expect to be introduced to all and sundry as his girlfriend and not be kept a dirty little secret.

BadFeminist · 21/12/2017 08:03

he would expect to spend some time with his girlfriend when he is off work

Well, there's always speed dating.

Capelin · 21/12/2017 08:05

Interesting that he used the words ‘expect to see you’ rather than he wanted to see you or would miss you. He’s coming across as quite emotionally cold, OP - would you say that is accurate?

Also interesting that it’s your choice to spend Xmas and new year apart. Possibly a sign that you’re not really invested in this relationship either?

After four years, personally I’d be looking for some kind of commitment beyond just seeing each other. Not just coming clean at work, but also maybe moving in together, starting to think about getting engaged etc. You two aren’t even spending Xmas together!

I think maybe the bottom line is that you two just aren’t that into each other.

Original poster

AlChris · 21/12/2017 08:36

I was really into him for about the first three years. I told him I loved him etc but I’ve learned that I just get hurt every time I try to get through to him emotionally so I’ve kind of just shut down as well.

One thing which made me sad was seeing Harry and Meghan so happy together. I don’t think we’ve ever had that.

OP posts:

LoveProsecco · 21/12/2017 08:49

Please ditch him! After 4 years you should both be committed and a huge part of each other's lives.

You may not have had many relationships s well done for realising it shouldn't be like this.

Expect more

BadFeminist · 21/12/2017 08:50

Oh no OP.

Don't waste any more energy on this.

GeekyWombat · 21/12/2017 08:59

You definitely deserve better than this OP. Maybe take some time over Christmas to think about what you want to happen. 2018 is full of possibilities.

ThunderboltsLightning · 21/12/2017 09:02

By 4 years (in a good relationship) most people are established partners, usually living together and planning to be together for the foreseeable future. It sounds like the relationship has run its course. Get out there and find someone who is as proud of you as you are of them (very!)

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 21/12/2017 09:18

Your time apart over Christmas is a good chance to think about what you want.

I suspect that this relationship has eroded your confidence a bit, making you unsure of what to expect from a "normal" relationship and doubting your own feelings.

I understand, it's easy to drift along in a relationship and fall into patterns of behaviour, like a pair of comfy slippers!
It does take some strength to decide you want something different and actually go for it.

As he's older, I wonder if he's always called the shots and made decisions for you as a couple? Everything on his terms? That's not a great dynamic for you.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 11:33

Urgh, definitely bin. You can do better than this. You'll be doing better as soon as you've binned him, because being single is better than being in a shit relationship.

ReanimatedSGB · 21/12/2017 11:35

Also, unfortunately, be prepared for possible troubles when you do tell him you've had enough. This dickhead reckons he's in charge of the relationship and you should be grateful for his attention, so he may well try to punish you for leaving him (it's supposed to be up to him, not you, how the relationship works out) - he might engineer trouble at work, or start picking on you in front of colleagues, or develop a 'new girlfriend' that he talks about loudly and continuously in your hearing...

Nanny0gg · 21/12/2017 12:29

BitOutOfPractice summed it all up.

Ok you are now realising how wrong it is.

New Year, new start.

Good luck

BitOutOfPractice · 21/12/2017 12:36

OP I'm glad you'll have some time away from him. He sounds worse the more you write about him

Doobigetta · 21/12/2017 12:51

My partner and I worked together when we first started seeing each other. We also had a horrendously inept manager. We kept it quiet for the first couple of months, and then asked her for a meeting and told her. We said we understood this could be difficult for team dynamics and would be completely fine if she decided that one of us ought to be reassigned to another manager. Knowing perfectly well that she would rather die than lose part of her (tiny, pathetic) empire, and would do whatever it took to square it with HR. Or that alternatively she'd lose the argument and at least one of us would get a better manager out of it.

Mind you, that was after a couple of months, not years. That's just weird.

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