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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird AIBU

122 replies

AlChris · 20/12/2017 08:49

Please give it to me straight. AIBU?

My DP and I work together. We have been together for quite some time but haven’t told anyone at work. There are good reasons for not telling colleagues (we are not doing anything against the rules but it would complicate the team dynamic).

We had our Christmas dinner last night and our team (of four) arrived together at the venue. I picked a seat next to my colleague who had walked in ahead of me assuming that DP and our other colleague would sit next to us.

DP went to the other end of the empty table with the other colleague. As far away as he could get. All of the rest of the teams sat with their colleagues.

AIBU to be a bit miffed about this? I know it is a first world problem and I probably should get a grip but it just irked me somewhat that he was at pains not to sit next to or even near me. I’m not sure if the secrecy is now starting to make me feel a bit insecure and I’m reacting to that or if it is odd behaviour on his part. Perhaps he just wanted to network with his other colleagues.

I’ve gently asked him about it and his answer was that he had promised the other lady that he would sit next to her. That is fine but I don’t see why that entails sitting as far away from me as possible.

I’d appreciate honest answers!

OP posts:
ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 10:18

I agree with others. It's time to announce you're together. Surely colleagues will pick up on it anyway? I've come across couples in the workplace. It's not unusual and no one's had an issue with it.

It's turning into a complicated web of lies.. Confused and it's going to be embarrassing if your secret is revealed by someone else. eg; they see you together out of work?

missbattenburg · 20/12/2017 10:20

Years?!?!

Is he your boss? Does he approve your promotions/pay rises or something like that. Otherwise, how can this be such a threat to team dynamics that you keep it secret for years?

That's much odder than sitting down the other end of the table, imo. Be miffed about the secrecy, not the seating.

LuluJakey1 · 20/12/2017 10:20

Years? That is ridiculous. Time to bring it to an end-any relationship that is hidden like this after years has something wrong about it.

LuluJakey1 · 20/12/2017 10:21

Not sitting next to you at dinner is the least of your worries about this man.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 10:22

But your "relationship" is already complicating the dynamic for at least 50% of the team isn't it?

If I was in a team of four and I found out that two of the team had been in a relationship for years and not mentioned it, I would be beyond pissed off.

Let me guess, it's him that doesn't want to "come out" isn't it?

amicissimma · 20/12/2017 10:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VladmirsPoutine · 20/12/2017 10:26

Why are you going to lengths to keep it secret? People are a lot more attuned than you'd like to think. I used to work with a couple who kept it secret. About a year or so after I'd worked it out one of them got a new job (not because I'd found out) so I casually remarked to the other "How's John getting on at his new job?" She was astonished, I was Confused that she thought no-one knew.

MiraiDevant · 20/12/2017 10:26

The sooner you tell people the better. Colleagues did this at work and it is just horrible.

Others get put into situations that afterwards are uncomfortable. The speed dating invite is a case in point. The person who asked will feel a fool knowing that he was never going to be accepted. There is a dishonesty about it.

I remember flirting with a colleague and telling another that the object of my interest was not responding and what could I do to improve my chances. All jokey and light - we were a young crowd. But I felt completely humiliated when I later discovered that the two of them had been in a relationship together.

Also, years later, discussing with a team member whether to include X in a new project or not. Purely business but character was as important as skill set. Inappropriate as I later discovered they'd been having a relationship for two years.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 20/12/2017 10:27

Okay. Yabu, if you want it to be a secret, then you're not doing the best job.
That said, there's no way that your colleagues don't know. You've been together years and you think that the people you spend every day with have no idea? I'd be very surprised if your secret is as well kept as you think.
That said, why on earth are you keeping it secret, really? It's obviously not a passing flight of fancy of it's been a few years, so it's slightly incredibly weird to keep it secret that you're together.

Gazelda · 20/12/2017 10:30

I think the secrecy is causing issues between you. If it weren't a secret relationship, then there wouldn't have been a second thought about who sat where.
Do you live together?
Do you plan a future together?
Have you spoken about 'coming out'?
What would you do if someone discovered your secret?

GladAllOver · 20/12/2017 10:30

Of course they all know you are 'together'.
Do you live together? Your home addresses will have noticed. Do you go out in the evenings or weekends? It only needs one person to have noticed you about somewhere for the whole office to be grinning about it behind your backs.

zzzzz · 20/12/2017 10:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

shoeaddict83 · 20/12/2017 10:35

i find it beyond strange that youve kept a relationship quiet for YEARS?? What could possibly be so bad that it would ruin a team dynamic to keep something quiet for that long?

its going to look even weirder when you come clean and admit its been years you've basically lied to colleagues about your relationship status!!! And i bet everyone knows anyway, only takes one person to have seen you or have you been hermits for the length of your relationship?

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 10:37

This is really weird.

Are you both men and dp feels he'll be judged on his sexuality?

You say there are good reasons for not telling colleagues What are those reasons?

Bendyandtheinkmachine · 20/12/2017 10:41

I could understand keeping it quite if it was a new relationship but still a secret years later? Do you ever want to live together or get married? I would be more pissed at this than the seating arrangements TBH.

Flywheel · 20/12/2017 10:41

2 of my colleagues had a "secret" relationship like this. Everyone knew. Everyone. It was ridiculous. They were also part of a very small team and felt it could be awkward/unprofessional. When it all came out it was absolutely fine (not least because everyone already knew). They're happily married now, but they would have saved themselves so much hassle if they had just been honest.

Original poster
AlChris · 20/12/2017 10:49

No, we have been seen out and about by our colleagues. We were on a spa day together and bumped into one of our wider team. You are probably right - I’m sure they do know.

I would be happy to tell everyone but he has never wanted to (it took him two years to tell his friends).

He is definitely not married but is a lot older than me.

OP posts:
worriedaboutchristmas · 20/12/2017 10:50

Everyone knows. I worked alongside a couple who did this for a long time- finally cumulating in a very awful moment when she became ill and was rushed to hospital. He carried on trying to pretend HmmShockuntil our boss said "ffs Kevin! She's your gf! We know! And you can take compassionate leave of you just fess up!"

Ridiculous scenario. If you're being together secretly hasn't changed the dynamics nor will you're being together openly. The change in dynamics when people partner up is down to their changed behaviour- not the rest of the teams.

Capelin · 20/12/2017 10:51

Seriously OP, this is not right. You need to bring this out into the open.

Bluntness100 · 20/12/2017 10:52

This is very strange. Where is your relationship going ? I think deep down you know there is an issue that he doesn't want people to know
I think the time is right to address it now or end it.

flimp · 20/12/2017 10:55

YEARS??? Shock

shoeaddict83 · 20/12/2017 10:55

Surely red flag right here I would be happy to tell everyone but he has never wanted to (it took him two years to tell his friends).

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/12/2017 10:58

I was gonna say YABU, DH and I wouldn't always sit together in a group of friends.

However I then saw that you've been together for years!! I thought at first maybe it was a few weeks.

YADNBU. That's weird that he doesn't want to tell people. Why is this? And when does he plan on saying something? When you have 4 children together? On your10th wedding anniversary?

VladmirsPoutine · 20/12/2017 11:00

I reckon he's the team manager and therefore to shield themselves from accusations of unfair treatment by the others they've chosen to remain silent. Which makes you both unreasonable.

CherryChasingDotMuncher · 20/12/2017 11:02

So I know the issue is now my insecurity

It's really not. The issue is him and the secrecy.

No way would I give a man the privilege of an exclusive relationship if he wanted to pretend we were both single

Have you met each other's families?

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