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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weird AIBU

122 replies

AlChris · 20/12/2017 08:49

Please give it to me straight. AIBU?

My DP and I work together. We have been together for quite some time but haven’t told anyone at work. There are good reasons for not telling colleagues (we are not doing anything against the rules but it would complicate the team dynamic).

We had our Christmas dinner last night and our team (of four) arrived together at the venue. I picked a seat next to my colleague who had walked in ahead of me assuming that DP and our other colleague would sit next to us.

DP went to the other end of the empty table with the other colleague. As far away as he could get. All of the rest of the teams sat with their colleagues.

AIBU to be a bit miffed about this? I know it is a first world problem and I probably should get a grip but it just irked me somewhat that he was at pains not to sit next to or even near me. I’m not sure if the secrecy is now starting to make me feel a bit insecure and I’m reacting to that or if it is odd behaviour on his part. Perhaps he just wanted to network with his other colleagues.

I’ve gently asked him about it and his answer was that he had promised the other lady that he would sit next to her. That is fine but I don’t see why that entails sitting as far away from me as possible.

I’d appreciate honest answers!

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 11:11

I knew it would be him wanting to keep the "secret"

So he pretends he's single when he's not. Lovely!

Have you met his family and friends? Because I bet he has someone else "official" as well.

No wonder you feel insecure OP. Your position is very insecure - both personally and professionally

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 11:11

DP and I did this at our last place and he found it really hard to keep schtum.

I suppose it depends on your reasoning, mine was because as a woman I didnt want to go straight in as Xs missus and have my validation taken away from me. It was my suggestion.
However, it was never a secret and if anyone had have asked directly "are you both an item" I would have told the truth. He told in the end because his neighbouring colleague kept talking about shagging me, poor guy.

lo and behold I was put right into the category of his lesser half to the extent where MY manager would discuss MY business with him before me, or ask DP to relay information.

All the nope to your situation OP, the entire time we were "in the closet" we both remained very obviously "taken" and did not dally about with other colleagues under any pretense OR behaving as if we were single, I mean, we made eachother cups of tea every morning.

Sounds off

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 20/12/2017 11:14

Oh OP....I think you're right to feel insecure.

Be honest now...if he said to you today "Shall we tell everyone?"

What would you think or say? Would you be pleased?

If your answer is yes, then it's time to revaluate the whole relationship.

And to tell him that you want to be open.

Original poster
AlChris · 20/12/2017 11:15

He isn’t the team manager. He is on the same level as I am and has no power to award favours to me. Our manager is frankly hideous and inept and I have concerns that he would make our lives miserable if he found out.

I am looking for another job.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 20/12/2017 11:16

YABU for not being open with your colleagues in case it upsets "the team dynamic." Because, of course, being all secretive and mysterious and vague around people you work with does wonders for the team dynamic. Confused

I agree they probably do know already and don't give a shiny shite about what you two get up to.

As for sitting with someone else at the works do, I couldn't get upset about that TBH.

Original poster
AlChris · 20/12/2017 11:16

I have met his family and friends but not often and there was a situation recently that he engineered so that I didn’t attend an event.

OP posts:
CheapSausagesAndSpam · 20/12/2017 11:18

That would make me so unhappy OP....what reason did he give for engineering the event like that? Was it a work event?

BarbarianMum · 20/12/2017 11:19

When dh and I got together we kept it very quiet (he was the boss). After a couple of months someone put an item about it in the staff newsletter to put us out of our misery - they'd all known for weeks. Blush

FizzyGreenWater · 20/12/2017 11:19

How about looking for another DP instead of another job?

Seriously - your problem is him. Red flags all over this.

Together years but he doesn't want to be a proper recognised couple with you, and is significantly older? No no no.

Get out before you find you've wasted more years on a man who likes you as a sideline but doesn't want to treat you as a proper real-life partner.

Gazelda · 20/12/2017 11:19

Are you happy with him? Do you feel an equal to him in the relationship?
I'll be honest, it doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to me. I'd feel as though he were ashamed of me or the relationship.

runningoutofjuice · 20/12/2017 11:20

Blimey. It gets worse. Is he really into you? Hope it doesn't fizzle out when you leave.

WeAllHaveWings · 20/12/2017 11:20

I can see why you don’t want to change the dynamic of your team where you are having a secret relationship for years which everyone talks about how silly and immature you are being behind your backs.

You need to get to the bottom of why he wants it to be a secret, if you’ve been together for years do you have plans for moving in together or is he using it to avoid commitment?

Don’t envy you the big reveal when everyone already knows!!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/12/2017 11:21

Is he really 'in' this relationship, OP? It doesn't sound like it to me. WTF about speed dating? How did you find out about that? Did he tell you? Wanting to go is a bit of a slap in the face, isn't it?

This doesn't sound romantic, it sounds seedy and there's no reason that it should be, is there? You say yourself you're fed up of feeling like a dirty little secret.

By his stance and body language there's nothing really to tell colleagues. They might have thought that you were an item but because you really don't appear as one, they no longer think it. Why is he so reluctant for you to be 'official'?

This would only be reasonable if BOTH of you were happy with the arrangement. You're not so it isn't. Time for a status check perhaps? How much longer are you prepared to let this go on? You sound very sad. I would be too.

Capelin · 20/12/2017 11:21

Do you know why he doesn’t like people knowing you’re a couple and didn’t want you to attend the event? It sounds like he’s ashamed of you Sad

disappearingninepatch · 20/12/2017 11:25

I am looking for another job.

I'd be looking for another DP.

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2017 11:26

I have met his family and friends but not often and there was a situation recently that he engineered so that I didn’t attend an event

Amd you're with him, why?

You need to get a new job and a new boyfriend.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 11:26

I know the issue is now my insecurity. I need to work on that.

It really isn't that OP.

starfishmummy · 20/12/2017 11:29

It seems a bit odd, if I was arriving somewhere as a two or four then we would usually all sit together unles other people were already seated and we couldnt. But on the other hand if we all knew everyone else it wouldnt particularly worry me either!

FizzyGreenWater · 20/12/2017 11:30

God no - the issue is NOT your insecurity.

You aren't insecure. You're listening to your instincts.

This is way off.

Desmondo2016 · 20/12/2017 11:35

He either wants to be with you or he doesn't. Lay it straight for him or walk away. He's making a Muppet out of you. Your secret long term relationship is ridiculous.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 20/12/2017 11:40

Ugh. This man has no respect for you whatsoever. Do you live together? What is the age difference?

I think you should have a fresh start. New job and dump the guy.

MistyMinge · 20/12/2017 11:43

This is crazy. I'd put money on your colleagues already knowing. It sounds like this is more a case of him wanting to keep your relationship under wraps. If it's been years then why on earth hasn't one of you looked for another job before? Work place relationships aren't uncommon. I bet after an initial bit of tittle tattle no one will treat either of you any differently. Do you live together?

ToffeeUp · 20/12/2017 11:50

He sounds very disrespectful towards you and no you are not insecure. This whole situation is ridiculous, you are either a proper couple or go your seperate ways.
You deserve more than being a secret.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 20/12/2017 11:51

Uhh I agree with PP, kind of, get yourself a new job and a new DP. He's not that into you Sad

DesignedForLife · 20/12/2017 11:58

Something's very off here OP and it's not you. Have a real think about why he's not open about your relationship.

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