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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weird AIBU

122 replies

AlChris · 20/12/2017 08:49

Please give it to me straight. AIBU?

My DP and I work together. We have been together for quite some time but haven’t told anyone at work. There are good reasons for not telling colleagues (we are not doing anything against the rules but it would complicate the team dynamic).

We had our Christmas dinner last night and our team (of four) arrived together at the venue. I picked a seat next to my colleague who had walked in ahead of me assuming that DP and our other colleague would sit next to us.

DP went to the other end of the empty table with the other colleague. As far away as he could get. All of the rest of the teams sat with their colleagues.

AIBU to be a bit miffed about this? I know it is a first world problem and I probably should get a grip but it just irked me somewhat that he was at pains not to sit next to or even near me. I’m not sure if the secrecy is now starting to make me feel a bit insecure and I’m reacting to that or if it is odd behaviour on his part. Perhaps he just wanted to network with his other colleagues.

I’ve gently asked him about it and his answer was that he had promised the other lady that he would sit next to her. That is fine but I don’t see why that entails sitting as far away from me as possible.

I’d appreciate honest answers!

OP posts:

calmandbright · 20/12/2017 12:06

This is so much more than sitting on the opposite end of a table! The only relationship I've ever kept 'secret' is one that I knew deep down I wasn't really into and had no long term plans to stay in (despite staying in it for 2 years ). You're being mugged off Op, find another DP not another job!

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 12:07

Oh, it gets worse. He's engineering events so you can't go?

Ok, what I would do is approach hideous manager and ask the policy on relationships in the office first.

Then the next time you and your partner are in the vicinity of eachother you can maybe drop an innocuous sentence like "oh babe/love/honey/darling, are we going to the cinema/dinner/mine/yours"?

Or casually mention something intimate like when the woman in the office who latched in to any new guy started sniffing around DP "oooh I'd have him on a plate" I replied with "you can have his bloody washing too".

I will point out though, DP never did anything to make me feel insecure and he spoke about his girlfriend (me) fairly often and it was my own dislike at another person wanting the man I loved.

pollythedolly · 20/12/2017 12:10

LTB

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 20/12/2017 12:12

I agree it's disrespectful to you and he should be considering your views on this. The Christmas party probably just highlighted how hurtful it is and how uncomfortable you are with the secrecy.

His opinions don't get precedence over yours.

flimp · 20/12/2017 12:26

How weird. You appear to be his 'bit on the side' even though he's apparently not married.

Are you OK with this, really?

Original poster

AlChris · 20/12/2017 14:25

He told me about the speed dating like it was the most normal thing in the world.

I asked him what his role would be and he claimed he would only be there to support his friend. He still was going to go though and participate like he was single! He didn’t understand why that would upset me.

OP posts:

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 14:38

He did understand it would hurt you OP, that's bollocks if you think he wasn't aware. He just didn't care enough about you to lie.

I HATE it when internets people say "oh just leave him" but seriously? Why are you even wasting your time?

I would strongly suggest going on a couple of dates with other people yourself just to be reminded what it feels like for someone to actually be interested in YOU again.

Bellyscreen · 20/12/2017 14:42

I’ve been in this situation with a co worker, we were together and he wouldn’t tell anyone. He also didn’t let me meet his family. I ended up with the most horrendous depression and anxiety over the way he treated me. I felt dirty.

WizardOfToss · 20/12/2017 15:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CupOfFrothyCoffee · 20/12/2017 16:25

I would be happy to tell everyone but he has never wanted to (it took him two years to tell his friends)

That is very strange. I couldn't/wouldn't have tolerated that.

ReanimatedSGB · 20/12/2017 17:34

Has he, by any chance, worked at this company for a lot longer than you have? I wonder if you're the latest in a long line of secret workplace shags.
He definitely doesn't consider you life-partner material. I agree you should look for another job, because as soon as he gets bored (which might well coincide with another, younger, compliant and eager woman joining the company) he will dump you and quite possibly engineer things so that you have to leave...

Sashkin · 20/12/2017 17:45

I think the term is “work wife” isn’t it?

And yes I would lay money on this relationship fizzling out when you get a new job. He’s treating you like a dirty little secret.

Pancakeflipper · 20/12/2017 17:56

You have been together for a couple of years (and no one at work has guessed) ?
You are not in a good relationship.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 20/12/2017 18:01

I think you've got bigger problems then him sitting far away from you at a table. How can you go on like this?

Nanny0gg · 20/12/2017 20:08

You're not answering the overwhelming response to this thread, OP.

Original poster

AlChris · 20/12/2017 20:11

Nanny - I’m not sure what you mean. Im trying to keep up. I apologise if I’ve missed any questions. Can you just clarify what you think I’ve missed (honestly not being funny)

OP posts:

Original poster

AlChris · 20/12/2017 20:13

I’m clearly less ok with it than I thought I was given my reaction to him sitting away from me.

OP posts:

YellowFlower201 · 20/12/2017 20:18

I think it is strange that one of his friends asked him to go speed dating. Has he not told his friends? Be careful OP. One of my friends was in a similar position. Turned out the bloke was embarrassed of her and just using her for a shag.

Original poster

AlChris · 20/12/2017 20:21

I do keep thinking he is embarrassed of me. He denies it (obviously) when asked and when we are out and about together he is quite touchy feely.

The bottom line is that I’m not really happy with the relationship- if I’m honest I haven’t been for a while.

OP posts:

YellowFlower201 · 20/12/2017 20:32

I guess it is possible to find someone sexually attractive but still be embarrassed at the idea of them being an equal partner in an official relationship...
I'd run for the hills personally!
For you OP

RaspberryOverload · 20/12/2017 20:44

He told me about the speed dating like it was the most normal thing in the world.

He understood, all right. He just didn't care because he doesn't see you as his life partner, you're just convenient for a shag and to have someone going out with him.

I have met his family and friends but not often and there was a situation recently that he engineered so that I didn’t attend an event.

It's possible there was someone there he a) didn't want you to meet, and/or b) he knew someone was going who he wanted to meet, without you. Perhaps another female.

You've been together for a number of years. If he was serious about you, it would have been in the open a long time ago, he'd have found a way to make it work. think you need a new job and a new DP.

Strotty · 20/12/2017 20:45

If you do come clean, how long are you going to tell your colleagues you've been going out?? What do you think their reaction would be if you said x years?? It is a very odd situation and you should really be questioning why it was a good idea to keep things quiet for so long. It does sound a bit like he's keeping his options open, do you think?

BitOutOfPractice · 20/12/2017 22:15

Op The overwhelming gist of the thread is that these seating arrangements aren't your main issue. That your self diagnosed insecurity is not the issue. The issue is that you are in a pseudo "relationship" with a man who is unwilling - for whatever reason (he's married / ashamed of you / has another official partner / will never commit to you) to publicly acknowledge you as his partner, even after several years.

THAT is the issue that we are all struggling to understand but which you seem to think is less important than an informal seating plan

Is that clear enough?

BadFeminist · 20/12/2017 22:21

I wouldn't kid yourself, this isn't a relationship.

You're a part time fuck buddy at best. The girl who he brings to some things if there's not going to be anyone decent to shag.
This is literally your ranking in the scale of things.

Years into a relationship you're supposed to be thinking about moving in together, you've spent Boxing Day at each others parents and met his friends, have at least 300 tagged photos on social media and most importantly he does not go speed dating because he isn't fucking single.

Only he is. In his head he's as free as a bird.

Answer this OP,

If you texted him right now and said either you both come out at work tommorow or it's over, what do you think he would say? Honestly?

Original poster

AlChris · 20/12/2017 22:22

Bit I do get the points that have been made. I really do. The response has been overwhelmingly clear about the fact that this isn’t normal. Until today, I hadn’t thought of it as abnormal. I’m not ignoring the issue but I need to take some time to process my thoughts.

I really do appreciate everyone’s advice

OP posts:

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